megazeux rules: act 13 by e_megas.
Links to each section have been placed here for your convenience, in case your attention span is short and it takes more than one sitting to absorb: 1 2 3 4 5 6 Go Back <PROLOGUE> * Deep beneath La Crescenta, we see a shadowy figure at a desk, flipping furtively through a phone book. <Rei-Chan> Let's see...Appraisers...Aquariums...Architects... Art...Assassination. Ahh, here: "Golgo 1056, 'The Professional' Death Technician. Impeccable safety record, fronts for no one. Full confidentiality. All major credit cards accepted. Contact Duke XWing, 1-800-4-MURDER..." * Rei-Chan dials the number. Later, in La Crescenta Memorial Pet Cemetery... <Golgo1056> Got any beer? <Rei-Chan> I'm sure you're aware that I've been involved with the #megazeuxers for many years...And many insults were slung over the months. I was always ashamed of my own past, and I left #megazeux to do something to rectify it. I chose the transsexual path...But this I CANNOT FORGIVE! <Golgo1056> Yah, whatever. <Rei-Chan> I've already agreed upon a sum. I personally saw to it; the money will be transferred to your bank on completion. They tell me that only you can make an impossible dream possible- <Golgo1056> I'll take the job. * Golgo1056 walks away. <Rei-Chan> My lord, punish this unforgivable crime, this soul that wants revenge. Amen. * Rei-Chan takes out a gun and puts it to his head. He pulls the trigger...and misses. <Rei-Chan> Drat. </PROLOGUE> ACT XIII: There Is No Janson, Only ZUUL (Or: A Party At Greggy and Stud's) By Megas of Vecanti (again) * We now join the Winnebagel as it pulls out of a car wash just off Highway 23 into La Crescenta, CA, USA, Earth. It rolls into the gas station next door. A car wash attendant approaches them with a Dustbuster(TM). <Nelson> Hi, I'm Nelson! Vacuum, sir? <multi> No thanks, I'm trying to cut down. <mono> Hey, didn't you off yourself? <Nelson> Do not question me. I have powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal male and female people. Vacuum, sir? -Editor- I was too lazy to think of anyone else, actually. <mono> Oh, FINE, almighty Lord of #megazeux-I'll get my gas elsewhere and save you from my precious wallet. <Nelson> Lord of #megazeux? DO YOU F***ING SEE MY HOSTNAME?!!! DO I LOOK LIKE THE F***ING LORD OF #MEGAZEUX TO YOU?!!! * The gang stares at Nelson, speechless. <Nelson> WELL, DO I?!!! <Waka> I...Umm...Hope that's (nmiaow). <mono> Are you talking back to me? <Nelson> Uhh...No, NO, not at all! Yep, I'm the Lord of #megazeux...If you say so, that is...Vacuum...Sir?! * Mono quickly pulls out of the gas station before Nelson can reconcile the argument. Another car leaves the Car Wash, the assassin hired by Rei-Chan at the wheel. He pulls up to a pump. <Nelson> ...Uhh...Hi, I'm Nelson! Vacuum, sir? <Golgo1056> Buzz off. * Golgo1056 gets out and walks over to the cashier. <Nelson> Haaay! Do you want me to check the trunk?! 'SCUSE ME!!! * Nelson shrugs and opens the trunk. A pistol whose safety was carelessly left off drops onto the trunk's floor, and misfires-igniting several vials of nitroglycerine, which in turn set off all the explosives and ammo in the trunk as well as the gas tank underneath. Needless to say the car explodes- <Nelson> aa-aaA-aAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!!!!! * -And Nelson, lit on fire from the explosion, writhes around on the asphalt. Tseng lands on him for good measure, killing them both. Golgo1056, too tired to notice, tosses ten bucks into the cash drawer. <Golgo1056> Pump number eight. * Three hours later, at another gas station a mile down the road... <myth> You realize, of course, that you stole my-Umm, Moniter's line back there. <mono> It worked, didn't it? Besides, isn't Moniter dead? <myth> For this insolence, you must DIE! (n'stuph) <All> EH?! * myth rips off his mask to reveal...Moniter. He points a .44 Magnum at them. <Inmate> Watch where you're pointing that, you don't know where it's been. <Moniter> Ha HA! While you fools were out looking for mono, I kidnapped Myth and took his place! NOW you'll pay for what you've done to me! GET YOUR HANDS UP! * The gang puts their hands up. <mono> Err...This is fine and all, but just what DID we do to you, anyway? <Moniter> You haven't been paying attention, have you? YOU STOLE MY- * Inmate shoves the text of Act 4 in Moniter's face. The line clearly reads "<Moniter> Did you just talk back to me?" <Moniter> Uhh...Well, that doesn't excuse you for putting a knife in my head! (To Inmate) PUT YOUR HANDS BACK UP! * Inmate puts his hands back up. <Waka> Well, sorry to disappoint you, but Greg Janson did that, not us. <Moniter> Oh...Well then, uh...WAIT, I KNOW! * Moniter grabs a Ginsu((TM), ©, pat pend.) knife from the pantry and stabs himself in the chest a couple of times. He drops the knife at mono's feet. <Moniter> OH, NO, MONO STABBED ME! I'm going to have to get REVENGE for what he's done to me, WON'T I?! <mono> Cute. <multi> WhOOO! Go lower, then you can claim mono's your lover and he gave you a Lorena Bobbitt! <Moniter> SHUT UP! I'M taking over now, see?! Now, we're going to pretend that nothing's wrong. mono's going to get behind the wheel and drive us all to La Crescenta peaceful-like. <mono> Oh. OK. We were going there anyway. * Moniter, now covered in blood, turns to mono and stares at him incredulously. <Moniter> Are YOU...Mocking ME? <Waka> It's "Are you talking back to me?" <Inmate> NOOO, it's "Did you just talk back to me?" <Moniter> ENOUGH!!! ...Gh...Gh. * Moniter does not realize that the cuts in his chest were deeper than he had originally thought they were-He starts feeling the effects of blood loss and sways back and forth in a daze. <Moniter> ...nOOOW! Letz all take a LITTle....NAP, Huhh...?! * Moniter collapses on the floor, dead. <Waka> Ooh, what a burn. <mono> Great. Now we won't know where myth is. <multi> Do we care? <mono> Good point. Let's move on now. * myth, meanwhile, wakes up in an enormous chamber, bound by the hands and feet with heavy-gauge rope over a pit of molten slag fifty feet below. A balcony looms in front of him. <myth> Eeeugh. My GOD in HEAVEN! <Max> Me, too! <Sam> Shut up, Max. <myth> Where the hell AM I?! * A guy dressed up like Berg Katse(Complete with cloak, weird costume, Batman-like mask and lipstick) strides onto the balcony, accompanied by two tiger-masked gaurds(sic) armed with 1950s machine guns. <myth> EH?! * Spider124 stops the action and walks in. <Spider124> Say, Megas...I just happen to have noticed that you're using "EH?!" every other line. -Editor- I can't think of anything else to use. Get outta here and let me work. <Spider124> You don't happen to be, oh, I don't know...CANADIAN, are you? -Editor- Umm, no. <Spider124> WE DON'T NEED YOU STINKING INFIDEL GREEN-BLOODED COMMIE MINORITY CHOW MEIN-EATING SALMONELLA-CARRYING .DLL-SHUNNING FOREIGNERS WRITING SAGA RIPOFFS!!! Get me? -Editor- Go away, hoser. * Spider124 is kicked off the balcony to die a screaming death in the pit below. The action resumes. <Rei-Chan> Well, you're awake. <myth> You state the obvious. I'll ask some obvious questions, too(To you, that is): Where am I, who are you, and can I have a hot dog(in that order)? <xf> First you rip off the Saga, now you rip off FCM! IS NOTHING OF MINE SACRED?! WHY WHY WHYYYYYY... * xf is kicked off the balcony, whining all the way down. <Rei-Chan> None of your concern. As to who I am, it should be obvious to you. Doesn't my voice sound familiar? <myth> Hmm...Nope, doesn't ring a bell. <Rei-Chan> Aww, come on! (nmiaow) Guess. <myth> Butz. <Rei-Chan> Nope. <myth> MZCool. <Rei-Chan> Nope. <myth> Barjesse. <Rei-Chan> Nope. <myth> Sonic256. (Drive Safely!) <Rei-Chan> Nope. <myth> majiCk. <Rei-Chan> Nope. <myth> StarGazer. <Rei-Chan> Nope. <myth> MattW. <Rei-Chan> You're getting warmer. <myth> Oh. Damnit, it's on the tip of my tongue. CapnKev... <Rei-Chan> Nope. <myth> emmzee. <Rei-Chan> Nope. <myth> Yapok Jr.. <Rei-Chan> Here's a hint:I was on AOL. <myth> Yapok Jr. was on AOL. <Rei-Chan> NO, I'm not Yapok Jr.. <myth> ...Steve Case? <Rei-Chan> Nope. <myth> Chronos. <Rei-Chan> Nope. <myth> Yenrab. <xf> Case-insensitive jerk. * xf is fitted for cement shoes and kicked off the balcony again. <Rei-Chan> Nope. <myth> zixyer. <Rei-Chan> Nope. <myth> Veloso. <Rei-Chan> Nope. <myth> Legendd. <Rei-Chan> Nope. <myth> Monthigos. <Rei-Chan> Nope. <myth> Aerisu. <Rei-Chan> No. <myth> Mondo. <Rei-Chan> NO. One last hint:I made Mission Enigma. <myth> .........Al Payne? <Rei-Chan> ARRRRRRRRGH...Enough of this! I'm REI-CHAN! GREG JANSON!!! <myth> Oh, that's right. Hi. We've been looking for you. Can you code MegaZeux 3.0 for us? <Rei-Chan> Heh heh...Ha HA...AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!(nar) You have the gall...The sheer, brazen GALL...To ask that after what you #megazeuxers have done to ME? <myth> Excuse me, I must have a memory lapse. What did we #megazeuxers do to you? <Rei-Chan> Make...Me look...LIKE THIS! * Rei-Chan rips off his mask. He has an enormous mane of blond hair and half of his face is that of a woman's. Myth winces. <myth> Umm. OK. Would you prefer that I toss my cookies now or later? * And at THAT SAME MOMENT, a sign passes the Winnebagel on the right: CITY LIMITS POPULATION:25,000 <mono> HOLD IT! * The Winnebagel makes a U-turn to look at the sign again. They pass a Chevy Malibu by the side of the highway. In it we see Guyver, teaching Starfire "The ropes" of #megazeux life as is his obligation as president of NR. <Guyver> See those people? Ordinary fokin' l33ters, I hate 'em. <Starfire> Uhh...Yeah. Me, too, I guess. <Guyver> What would you know, kid? You see, an ordinary MZXer spends his life avoiding tense situations; an NR member spends his life getting INTO tense situations. Buttholes... <Starfire> Great. Can we go now? I want to release EA:P2 sometime this century. * Guyver sighs. <Starfire> And can we pick up some chips on the way home? * Meanwhile, the gang gets out and stares wide-eyed at the aforementioned sign, in all its glory. Its brilliant reflective Cal-Trans green metal gleams in the afternoon sun. <multi> I can't read what it says! It's blinding me! AAAAUUUUGH! DANGIT! <xf> See? SEE?! <Inmate> Don't give me that, Scott. I stole that phrase in Cans ][. * xf explodes and multi, angered, changes into his monster form and eats the sign, whole. Unfortunately, it goes down the wrong pipe and he falls over, unable to breathe. Inmate shrugs, goes over to him and delivers the Heimlich Maneuver. <Waka> I suppose this means we've reached the end of our journey, right? Now all we have to do is find Greg Janson and get him to code MegaZeux 3.0 n'stuph. <mono> Err...You don't happen to have his address, do you? <Waka> Eh? Don't you? <mono> Nope, I just remember the "La Crescenta" part of it. I thought YOU knew. <Waka> Mm. I know, we'll look at the README file with the copy of MegaZeux on the 486/16 we keep in the Winnebagel. <Inmate> It isn't there anymore. The Weird Naked Indian stole it. * Somewhere in the vast Nevada desert, we see the the Weird Naked Indian playing MegaZeux on a 486/16. Unfortunately, in learning DOS he had accidentally deleted every game on the hard drive...Except for Blue Buckaroo. We see the Weird Naked Indian go stark raving mad five minutes after hitting "P." He runs to the nearest cliff and hurls himself off of it, making a Wile E. Coyote "EEEEEEEEEeeee" sound all the way down. * But we leave this sad scene to find Inmate squeezing one last time on multi's belly, who at last projectile-upchucks the sign. It shoots up into the sky, out of the range of human sight. <Waka> I KNOW! We can look his address up in...The local phone book! <mono> Great Caesar's Ghost, that's BRILLIANT! <Caesar's Ghost> No it isn't, by Zeus. Any plebe endowed with half a brain could have figured it out by now. Pizza Pizza. * Caesar's Ghost vanishes into thin air. <mono> Hmm...But he might not be listed. <Inmate> Why don't we just go in the direction that those explosions are coming from? <The Others> HUH?! -Editor- See, I didn't use "EH?!" that time. Nyah nyah nyah. <Spider124's charred corpse> Aaaaaah, SHADDAP. * And a few miles away, at 4875 Sunset Avenue, Somewhere in a gigantic fortress built within a volcano and bordered by a shark-filled moat many yards wide, the cruel transsexual overlord Gregory Janson hears his captive whine: <myth> I'll register MZX! I'll join SV! I'll even finish Quest of Durin and release it under your name-Just please, PLEASE put your mask back on. You're making me physically ill n'stuph. <Rei-Chan> Why should I? You...You PEOPLE are the ones that did this to me. <myth> We didn't do that to you. Some of us(though they were all newbies) even worshipped you for putting out MZX. So why the frig are you doing this? <Rei-Chan> Ignorant toad! The only reason that I gained your trust and coded MegaZeux wasn't the idol worship, nor the opportunity to outdo ZZT...It was the assurance that I would leech off of you EVERY DOLLAR of your cold hard CASH! Moolah! Greenbacks! etc.! <myth> Oh. I get it. Kinda like Butz. * Rei-Chan sobs. <Rei-Chan> And since you fools didn't hand it over to me as planned, and used my source code instead, they wouldn't complete my transformation into the opposite sex...The glorious FEMALE sex- <myth> Somehow, I don't think that any of us would be surprised. <Rei-Chan> ENOUGH! FOR THIS, YOU WILL ALL BE ANNIHILATED! Heh heh...Watch as my greatest creation yet destroys the ones looking for you, then travels across the land, killing every #megazeuxer in its path! <myth> What if they just get out of its path? * Rei-Chan is silent for a few minutes. <Rei-Chan> I...Hadn't thought of that yet. Fortunately, the design of this unit will surely draw #megazeuxers to it in DROVES! I'm absolutely willing to give around 60-40 odds on that. OBSERVE! * A TV screen lowers from the ceiling. We see an enormous blue mechanical cube in the midst of La Crescenta's industrial area, a couple of miles from the headquarters. On it is a gigantic aquamarine smiley face with a smug grin. It jumps up and down on the factories, destroying everything that its great mass lands on. A low, menacing electronic voice is heard from speakers all over its surface- <Smiley> HI, I AM VINCE, A FAMOUS THEOLOGIST. YOU WILL SURRENDER TO ME ALL WHO ARE ASSOCIATED WITH THE IRC CHANNEL #MEGAZEUX AND GIVE ME ALL OF THEIR MONEY, OR I WILL REDUCE YOUR CITIES TO ASH, ONE BY ONE. THIS MESSAGE WILL NOW REPEAT. >click< HI, I AM VINCE, A FAMOUS- <myth> You sick BASTARD! <Rei-Chan> Yes. Systematic homicide AND robbery! And when I'm through with the ones who might go against me...The new Software Visions will rise up to conquer THE WORLD! * A second screen lowers, showing the face of Golgo1056. He's in a rental car. <Golgo1056> I've located them, Mr.-Uh..Ms. Janson. They're due south of your headquarters. They're in a Winnebagel, just as you said they'd be. I'm about to go after them. <Rei-Chan> Heh heh heh! Good. My MegaVince will kill them all. Your services are no longer needed, Mr. XWing. Your check is in the mail- <Golgo1056> HEY, WAITAMINIT! The deal was that I would kill people today! <Rei-Chan> Well, you know too much about my plans already. How about YOURSELF? <Golgo1056> Hm, I dunno...I've never committed suicide before. <Rei-Chan> I'm sure you have doubts...But since you don't appear to have next-of-kin, I'll double your pay if you carry out this assignment quickly. <Golgo1056> Ooh, neat! Gee golly thanks, Ms. Janson! <Rei-Chan> Don't mention it. * Golgo1056 takes out his M-16 and eagerly stuffs the barrel in his mouth. We see him trying to reach the trigger as the monitor rises back into the ceiling. Meanwhile, Rei-Chan puts his/her mask back on. <Rei-Chan> Yutz. Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Destruction of the Winnebagel. Captain! * A blue-bodysuited thug wearing a smiley mask appears on the remaining monitor. <myth> SICK! No soldier in their right mind would dress like that! Except maybe those villains from The Tick. <Rei-Chan> Why do you think I hire them? If they can stand being dressed like Fire Island refugees, they HAVE to enjoy working for someone like me. <Smiley Goon> Your command, Mighty Rei-Chan? <Rei-Chan> There are #megazeuxers in a Winnebagel somewhere in this city. They are approaching you. Kill them all and retrieve their wallets from the wreckage. <Smiley Goon> It will be done. Shall I use the Silver Staff, milord? <Rei-Chan> Yes. You do that. Go away. * The goon salutes and disappears off the screen. The view changes back to the city; we see the MegaVince bound off towards the highway, leaving a trail of crushed buildings in its wake-and its looped message still playing in every direction for a mile or so... * Coincidentally, this same message is also playing on the Winnebagel's radio as it happilly follows the MegaVince's trail of destruction while looking for an exit. Unfortunately, Highway 23 doesn't seem to have any exits for the next ten miles or so. <Radio> ...And in other news, an enormous smiley face destroyed most of the industrial area today while playing a strange message over and over: "HI, I AM VINCE, A FAMOUS THEOLOGIST. YOU WILL SURRENDER TO ME ALL WHO ARE ASSOCIATED WITH THE-" <mono> Aah, newsradio here is bull-pucky. * mono shuts the radio off. <Radio> 'AY! I wasn't done yet. I was about to give away a major plot point. <mono> I shut you off. Cope. * Waka shoots the radio with Moniter's .44 Magnum. Meanwhile, up in space, the sign that multi regurgitated not long ago blindsides the highly radioactive Cassini space probe. Previously bound for Saturn, the impact deflects it, sending it on a course back towards Earth, where Waka spots an object on the road ahead of them- <Waka> What's that on the road ahead of us, I wonder innocently? <mono> Another Winnebagel, it looks like. Matter of fact, it looks a lot like ours. It's a newer, bigger, better-looking model, fresh from the factory and superior to ours in every way (but mileage). * The Winnebagel catches up with the second Winnebagel. Sure enough, several Autumn Dreams people are in it. Legendd is at the wheel, with ASTeRiCK riding shotgun. Wondercow is lounging around somewhere in the back, but they don't see him. <Legendd> Hey, Waka! Whatcha doin' with these losers? <ASTeRiCK> I don't know what you see in these...Commoners. Hey, where's myth? <Waka> Elsewhere. Dead, maybe. * multi goes up to the window. <multi> Ooh. if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were jealous of us. <Legendd> We speak only to other AD members. YOU speak only when spoken to, Schwienhunt! <multi> Wow. I'm so scared. This coming from the guy who isn't finishing OOTT. * Legendd covers his ears. <Legendd> LAAAAAA LA laaa! I can't HEAAAAR YOUUUU! LAAA LAAA- <ASTeRiCK> We're gonna start a new Saga ripoff, called #autumndreams Rules, and once again blow you non-ADer(nmiaow) s out of the water. Waka, you want in? We're looking for two more members, but with Barney dead and all- <Waka> Naw. Maybe later, though, if it gets any good. <ASTeRiCK> Your loss. We have a better engine-Literally! Heh heh! * The people in Winnebagel #1 groan. <ASTeRiCK> Hey, Legendd, let's show these non-l33t3rz some smoke. <Legendd> WHOO! * Legendd guns it (nmiaow) and the AD Winnebagel roars off ahead of them. <Inmate> Dildos. <Waka> Hey, HEY! Don't say that! They're my friends. I guess. * And in the AD Winnebagel... <Legendd> Dildos. <ASTeRiCK> You got that right, bud. <Wondercow> Hey, we're in La Crescenta, aren't we? Maybe we should get to Greg Janson before they do, we being superior to them in every way and all. <Legendd> Good idea. And after that we can humiliate them n'stuph-HOLY CARP, is that a giant smiley?! * In the MegaVince's control room, the Smileyfaced Goon sees a Winnebagel on his viewscreen. <Smiley Goon> Look. There's a Winnebagel. It must be them. * The MegaVince splits down the middle, opening up to reveal a giant long-barreled(nmiaow), silver-plated cannon. It extends(nmiaow, I swear) and trains its sights on the Winnebagel. <Smiley Goon> Fire. * The MegaVince fires an enormous ball of white energy that flies right at said Winnebagel. <Legendd> What manner of Smiley are you who can conjure flame without flint or tinder? <AD People> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! * The ball hits it, causing it and the surrounding highway to erupt in a festive Akira-esque half-dome. When the smoke clears, only a crater a mile in diameter remains. The smileyfaced goon, meanwhile, calls up Rei-Chan on his monitor. <Smiley Goon> Mighty Rei-Chan, it is done. The target has been eliminated. <Rei-Chan> Good. Where are their wallets? <Smiley Goon> Their...Wallets, milord? There's nothing left of them. <Rei-Chan> ARRRRGH! You imbecille! I specifically ordered you to get their money! DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?! <Smiley Goon> But when you said that I should use the Silver Staff, I thought- <Rei-Chan> Oh. That's true. Well, we've got bigger fish to fry...Continue your previous mission or something and we'll forget this little incident ever happened. <Smiley Goon> Uh...By your command. * And at Rei-Chan's headquarters... <Rei-Chan> Well, your friends are dead now. What do you say to that? MUUHAHAHAHAHA! <myth> Pardon me, I wasn't listening. I was busy loosening my ropes when your back was turned, not to mention subduing your guards. What was it? <Rei-Chan> Err, nothing-HUH? * Rei-Chan turns to find myth standing in front of him. The gaurds(sic) that would have otherwise protected him are lying on the ground, unconscious at his feet. <Rei-Chan> Oh, ish. * myth delivers a Tae Kwan Do Joe(TM) kick to Rei-Chan's head, grabs a gaurd's machine gun and runs off to look for the exit, laughing like Beavis as he shoots everyone that gets in his way. Unfortunately, he accidentally drops Matt Williams, who was running at him while waving a CD. <MattW> Boy, am I glad to see-EEEERRRRRKKKKKKKKKKK * MattW falls over, filled with lead. Myth goes up to him. <myth> Serves you right to get in my way while I'm on a killing spree. <MattW> ...Idiot...Take...Disc...MegaZeux...3.0...Source code. * MattW dies. myth shrugs, takes the disc, and continues his homicidal rampage. Meanwhile, on Highway 23, the Winnebagel we've known longer is halted by the appearance of an enormous crater where a mile of the highway used to be. The local police have set up a roadblock on the crater's edge. The Winnebagel is now at the head of a line of traffic backed up for an unguessable distance. <Cop> All right. Show's over, folks. Nothing to see here. Move along. <mono> And where are we supposed to go? The nearest exit is ten miles back. <Cop> All right. Show's over, folks. Nothing to see here. Move along. <mono> Nuh-uh. I want to talk to your superior. <Cop> All right. Show's over, folks. Nothing to see here. Move along. <mono> ARE YOU LISTENING?! * The cop's head falls off. (nmiaow) Inside the neck, they see electronics. <mono> Ooh. * Another cop walks up to the machine and sticks its head back on. It walks off. <Real Cop> Sorry. We've been short of men lately, so we hired a nearby special effects company to build robot doubles we use for situations like these. <Waka> Gee whiz! Another use for the magic of IMAGINEERING!(TM)© <Real Cop> So what can I do you for? <Inmate> $59.95, tax included. <Real Cop> Huh? <mono> Nothing. What the 'frig went on here? <Real Cop> Some gigantic smiley face came along and carved a mile-wide crater into the highway. Sorry, you're going to have to go back the way you came. <Waka> But the nearest exit is ten miles back. <mono> 'Cmon, let us through! We'll make it worth your while. <Real Cop> How so? <mono> I'll...Umm...Give you a beta copy of Slimed. <multi> Skip it, mono. He couldn't care less. <mono> And how would you know, might I ask? LOTS of people know about Helios Entertainment and its long-awaited- <Inmate> Hey, maybe he'll be interested in one of these. * Inmate hands the cop a plastic bag full of hundred-dollar bills. <Waka> GADZ! Where'd you get that? <Inmate> The Winnebagel's full of bags like these. This is where the warden hid all of his bribe money...Didn't you know? <mono> Apparently not. Megas, I don't see the relevance-Would you care to enlighten me? -Editor- See Act 4.5. Remember when the Winnebagel was destroyed? <mono> Oh. Yeah, I get it. That'll work. <Real Cop> Go on through, guys...Heh heh. * The cop takes down the barricade and lets the Winnebagel pass. Unfortunately, they forget that the highway was elevated-They drop twenty stories. <All> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- * But, by an amazing stroke of luck, The Winnebagel lands in a sinkhole opened by the explosion and goes THROUGH the ground instead of being crushed against it. It lands in an underground river, pushed by the current towards gawd-knows-where. Unfortunately, the Winnebagel, not really designed for water travel, begins to sink. <Waka> We're too heavy. Throw some things out the window. <mono> All right...anyone who starts singing the theme from "Daylight" will have to answer to ME! <Moniter> Whenever there is LOOOOOOOoooOOVE- <multi> Ain't you quit yet? <Moniter> I'm not dead, I'm getting better. <multi> Well, I'll fix that, then. * multi throws Moniter out the window. * xf zips his fly as he walks out of the bathroom. <xf> OK, Megas, that's the last straw. This isn't funny anymore. I'll have you know that I'm- <Waka> We're still too heavy. * multi throws xf out before he can finish. <Waka> Nope, still too heavy. Find other unspecified things to get rid of. * The gang starts throwing furniture and supplies out the window. <mono> Hey, Waka, you need this box of Sivion brand suppositories? <Waka> DON'T TOUCH THOSE! <mono> Too late, they're almost an ounce. They have to go. * mono tosses the box out the window, chuckling. Waka growls and takes a component in an antistatic bag out of the glove compartment. <Waka> Hey, mono, you need this hard drive with your Big Bustin' Barrel mirror on it? <mono> NO, MICHAEL! NO-YOU-DON'T!! DON'T YOU DARE!!! * ...And then Inmate throws out the toilet with the septic system still attached, creating a large hole in the floor through which the Winnebagel begins to sink TWICE as quickly. <Inmate> What can I say? I'm not sane. <multi> Say, Inny...How much do YOU weigh? * But before multi can up the total to three, the Winnebagel floats aboveground-More specifically, where the river drains into the shark-filled moat surrounding Gregory Janson's lair. The Winnebagel washes up on the edge of the volcano, close to where the MegaVince happens to be arriving for refuelling. They gasp at the size of the thing. <mono> Oy vey. <multi> Such a marvel of engineering could only be the work of...GREG JANSON! <Inmate> Maybe that's what's missing from Cans ]I[-A smiley the size of Cleveland. I'd have to add feet, though. * But inside the fortress, Rei-Chan has already recovered and retreated to his control room with the remainder of his soldiers... <Rei-Chan> That insolent little pest must be here somewhere! I won't rest until he's found and torn asunder! <Gaurd> Asunder, milord? <Rei-Chan> Yes, ASUNDER!(nar) Whatever that means. <Commander> Mighty Rei-Chan, I've discovered something here that...M...May disturb you- <Rei-Chan> Is it the pest? <Commander> Maybe you'd better see for yourself, sir- * The control room's enormous monitor shows the Winnebagel on the volcano's shore. <Rei-Chan> ARRRGH! I thought I ordered them DEAD! Get me the captain of the MegaVince! * The Smiley-faced Goon appears on the monitor. <Smiley Goon> Yes. Mighty Rei-Chan? <Rei-Chan> You treasonous son of a dog of a pig of a rat of an INFIDEL! The ones in the Winnebagel are ALIVE! <Smiley Goon> Impossible, sir! I saw them die myself- <Rei-Chan> THEN KILL THEM AGAIN! And while you're at it, bring back their wallets this time- <myth> LITTLE PIGS! LITTLE PIIiiiIIGS! LET ME IIIIIN! <Rei-Chan> Hmm, must the pizza guy. Blast it, He's ten minutes late...Gaurds, make sure he refunds my money. If he doesn't, shoot to kill- * The armored entry door is blown off its hinges. myth walks grimly into the control room. He has since torn his shirt off and tied a bandanna around his head. He carries a chaingun in each hand. <myth> Yo ADRIAAAAAAN! -Editor- Wrong movie. <myth> Who asked you? * myth hoses down the room with a spray of metal, wasting anyone unfortunate enough to be in his line of fire. <Rei-Chan> AIIIIIEEEEEEEE! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! * Rei-Chan leaves the room through a secret exit, jumps into his escape shuttle And flies out of the volcano toward the MegaVince. myth climbs to the top of the volcano, beats his chest, and yells at the shuttle for no apparent reason. <Rei-Chan> Captain! Kill them! NOW! Kill them ALL! <Smiley Goon> By your command-WHAZZA?! * The Cassini probe falls out of the sky and lands on top of the MegaVince. The Smiley Goon jumps out of the MegaVince shortly before it turns into a mushroom cloud. <Smiley Goon> WHEW! That was close! * The Smiley Goon lands in the water, where the sharks tear him apart. Bits of his blue costume rise to the surface. Rei-Chan circles overhead, disappointed. <Rei-Chan> Oh, fudge. Well, at least I still have my base, and all of its secret weapons! * At that moment, the volcano decides to become active, and subsequently erupts. The fortress is destroyed instantly. myth runs down the side of the volcano to escape the lava. <Rei-Chan> My luck must suck today. <mono> Twenty bucks says Greg gives the generic "Bad Guy Defeat" speech. <Waka> You're on. <Rei-Chan> YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME! You'll see! This was only a fraction of my army! There's more where this came from! No matter where you run, I'll get my revenge on you ALL! AHAHAHAHAHAH! <mono> Ahem! <Waka> Crud. I should know by now never to take your bets. * Waka grudgingly hands over the twenty as Rei-Chan flies into the sunset. myth rejoins the others. <Inmate> We should get out of here, in case there are any friends of Greg around here that want our poor little hineys. <myth> Not likely. I killed 'dem all. <multi> By the Gods, what animal have you become? <Waka> You should talk. You're the shapeshifting hellbeast around here. <myth> 'dey drew First Blood(TM), not me. <mono> So what, it's over- <myth> NUTHINGIZOVER!!! Dem commiez, dem damn commie liberalz, how could dey UNDERZTAND my PAIN- * Inmate //thwacks myth. <myth> -Oh. Never mind. I'm better now. <multi> So where are we going to go next, us being marked for death by Greg Janson and all? <Inmate> Away from here, that's for sure. Damnit, now MegaZeux 3.0 will never be released. <myth> Actually... * myth takes the disc with the MegaZeux 3.0 source out of his pocket. <EPILOGUE> * Back on the road, some time later... <myth> Well, I've loaded the disc into this computer I salvaged from the wreckage of the MegaVince... <Waka> Yeah? Yeah? What is it? <myth> It's MegaZeux 3.0, all right. But there's one problem. <mono> What? WHAT? <myth> It's...Written for the DEC VAX. <All> NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! </EPILOGUE> <Nelson> Lord of #megazeux? DO YOU F***ING SEE MY HOSTNAME?!!! DO I LOOK LIKE THE F***ING LORD OF #MEGAZEUX TO YOU?!!! |