Act Five: The (Most Ludicrous) Game
Written By Megas of Vecanti
Fleeing from a nearby prison, the last Winnebagel, Galactica, carries a rag-tag fugitive group on a lonely quest...A shining transvestite, known as Gregory Janson.
* waka is at the wheel, traveling highway 666 in a sine-wave like path. inmate is looking over waka's shoulder and drooling; myth is trying to pry him away. mono and barney are lounging around in the back.
<mono> "The last Winnebagel, Galactica?"
<barney> So this E. Megas freak is new at this. Let him type.
<inmate> Pluck eyebrows when rim ripe?
<waka> G'ah, He's starting to remind of Cybert from Argon Zark. Get him away from me, I'm trying to drive n'stuph.
<mono> It's "G'ah."
<waka> That's what I said.
* Thirty seconds pass. myth walks inmate to the back and introduces him to the wonders of an old 486/16 stowed off in a corner.
<mono> ...Ohh...
* mono stares at Waka in silent awe.
<mono> Awwww.
<barney> That's hardly silent.
<myth> Dammit, Megas, give me a line.
<editor> You already have one.
<myth> Ooh. Neat.
<editor> Now you have two, because I am so kind.
<barney> Watch it, myth. He might start to think he's Bee Fly Ptarmigan.
<editor> I did, in fact, create doilies and salted mutton. And three minutes later, waka ends up steering the Winnebagel off the road and into a conveniently-placed joshua tree, which begins to wail U2 lyrics.
<JoshuaTree> IN THE NAAAAAME OF LOOOVE...ONE MORE IN THE
NAAAME OF LOOOOOVE...
* barney, disturbed at this event, gets out of the Winnebagel with a hatchet and an urge to kill. inmate begins running rECTUM cAUDA demos on the 486 in a demented attempt to get Religion.
<waka> Now hold on a minute. I can just put it in reverse.
<barney> Bono. Evil. Must. Destroy.
<inmate> er du et Totalt Hindu?
<JoshuaTree> SEEE THE THOOOORN TREESED IN YOUR SIIIIDEE....AND I WAIIIIT...FORRR YOOOOUUUUUU-
<barney> AIIIIEEEE! DIEDIEDIE!
* barney goes vorpal, chopping the tree to shreds and causing needles and fluid to fly all over the gawdam place. Several of these needles embed themselves in theWinnebagel's front tires, causing them to deflate. The Winnebagel lurches over.
<waka> Aww...Why the hell didja have to DO that?!
<barney> Umm...Woman's intuition?
<mono> This is bad. We only have one spare, and no Air N' Repair.
<myth> Worse, inmate's discovered RC-SAND4.
<inmate> It's discoTIIIME, BABAAAAY!
<everyone else> AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!
* Fifteen minutes later, RC-SAND4 ends. The gang is in tears. inmate is tied up and the 486-16 is disconnected and stowed somewhere. myth notices a sign next to the road before them.
<waka> Well, at least it isn't on the road AFTER us.
<barney> Now that's cheap.
<myth> "THE BEING? See the Eighth, Ninth and Tenth Wonders of the World. Gas, Food, Tires, Repair, Certain Death. 1/2 Mile."
<mono> Ooh. Road culture.
<waka> barney, you got us into this. Walk down there and buy us a tire.
<barney> Lil' ol' me? All alone? No way, one of you is going along for insurance.
<mono> Take inmate. If he runs another rC demo, I'm likely to do something I'll regret.
<waka> You're already doing something you regret. You let Megas write this chapter.
<mono> Well, BESIDES that.
<myth> Hey, make sure to bring back a box of those Peanut Brittle Lumps that are said to be sold at sleazy rest stops such as the one you seem to be going to.
<barney> Umm...Why?
<myth> I need slingshot ammunition.
<barney> Yeah. fine.
* We leave our group for a minute to go to an underground headquarters far below La Crescenta (ole!). Gregory Janson, dressed like Berg Katse from
Gatchaman(or Galactor from G-Force, or Zoltar from Battle of the Planets, or Solaris from the OAVs-Ah, screw it) is watching an episode of Sailor Moon on an enormous monitor. A purple-bodysuited goon with a lame-looking bug mask suddenly appears on the monitor.
<Bugfaced Goon> Everything is as you predicted, Mighty Rei-Chan. The #megazeuxers are making rapid progress to our advance base. You were wise to free them from that prison, sir, or we would never have lured them into the open.
<Rei-Chan> Good. They must not make any further progress to my secret headquaters. Any traces of my previous identity must be destroyed-First these travelers will die without a trace, then the rest of #megazeux! They will pay the price for their lack of intellegence.
<Bugfaced Goon> Do you mean "Intelligence," Mighty Rei-Chan?
<Rei-Chan> Yes. What you said. Wait until they reach your base...Then mobilize..."THE BEING?"
<Bugfaced Goon> But Mighty Rei-Chan! The Geneva Convention strictly prohibits the use of "THE BEING?" against mammals-
<Rei-Chan> Since when does an international crime organization worry about the Geneva Convention?
<Bugfaced Goon> Oh. I guess it shall be done, milord-Uh, my lady.
<Rei-Chan> Silence, igmo!
<Bugfaced Goon> igmo, Mighty Rei-Chan?
<Rei-Chan> Yes. igmo. In all probability.
<Bugfaced Goon> Very well, then.
<Rei-Chan> Go away.
* The goon's face disappears from the monitor. barney and inmate, meanwhile, have arrived at the ominous rest stop. A giant sign adorned with torn monster masks and shrunken heads proclaims "THE BEING?" An enormous foil dinosaur stands in the driveway. barney reads the sign at its feet.
<barney> "The Eighth Wonder of the World:Model of a Stegosaurus made entirely from gum wrappers and spit."
<inmate> Hooooooooooo....
<barney> This...Is the work of someone with too much time on his hands.
* The pair walk cautiously into the shop. A lonely old hick with glazed-over eyes and five missing teeth sees them enter and grins widely.
<Old Hick> Why, hay-low, young'uns. Ah do say, yer prob'bly hay'ehr to see the wonderz uf duh wherld, ehm eye nawt mee-staken?
<barney> Excuse me, I don't speak hick. WE'RE LOOKING FOR A TIRE FOR A '73 WINNEBAGEL-
<inmate> Schopenhauer and Hegel.
<Old Hick> Ehheh. Eye ken rekawl dem tahres awhr beck
thay-err, een duh lot, dey iz.
<barney> WHAAAAAT?
<inmate> He's saying that the tires are kept in back.
<barney> Figures. Mentally-disturbed people must have some
kind of rapport.
<inmate> David Rappaport?!
<barney> Shaddap.
* The old hick leads barney and inmate out the back door and through a turnstile, where they see several garages full of junk. They're surrounded by tires as far as the eye can see. Two of the center garages are empty, save
for what appear to be exhibits of some demented sort. The old hick gestures to these garages grandly.
<Old Hick> Bee'hwoled! Dee nyinth ehn tey'nth wohndarz uhv dee whurld!
<inmate> MOTHER!
* Inmate runs to the left garage, containing the "ninth wonder of the world-" A fake-looking werewolf in a chipped acrylic block. He licks it continually.
<Old Hick> Tayk a lewk 'roundheah whaal I getcher taahr.
<barney> Yeah, whatever.
* barney walks into the garage on the right. The exhibit is a large pedestal, barely able to fit within the poorly-maintained structure, upon which is a brain in a large jar. A plaque reveals it to be "The Tenth Wonder of The World:A brain from THE BEING? identified only as 'Axiem.'"
<barney> Ick. But at least it's not as bad as John Dillinger's >CENSORED<.
* Tseng parachutes into the lot and runs up to barney, enraged.
<Tseng> AHA! It exists, doesn't it?!
<barney> Uhh...Really? I don't know what you're talking about.
<Tseng> JOHN DILLINGER'S >CENSORED<! The Smithsonian is keeping it from the public! It's a CONSPIRACY, man! Trust no one,...N'stuph.
<barney> What is john dillinger's censored? You're just trying to get in another cameo. Go away.
* Tseng disappears. Behind a nearby pile of tires, the old hick pulls off a mask to reveal a second mask-The one of the goon who was talking to Rei-Chan earlier. He tears off his clothing to reveal his uniform. Unfortunately, there's nothing under it.
<Bugfaced Goon> Blast it, I must've torn my uniform away, too...Flimsy things that Mighty Rei-Chan outfits us with...
* The goon hastily runs back inside, and jumps over the turnstile-But not before inmate notices him as he walks over to Axiem's brain.
<inmate> WOOOO! STREAKER!
<barney> Ugh, it's a male version of Kekko Kamen.
* The naked goon jumps behind the counter and turns a Sunkist Fruit Gems(TM) display container one hundred-and-eighty degrees.clockwise. The floor behind the counter descends, lowering the goon into a control room; the goon's subordinates, green-bodysuited thugs with lame tiger masks, all stare horrified at their leader's, umm, nakedness.
<Bugfaced Goon> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
<Thugs> Uhh...Nothing, sir!
<Bugfaced Goon> We have them now. Prepare to launch!
* The goon retreats into a nearby dressing room. A clamshell hatch shuts around Axiem's brain; the lot begins to rumble. The pedestal rises up from the earth-It appears to have been the upper third of an enormous, gaudy, spider-like mecha. barney and inmate, knowing nothing about earthquake preparedness, run back INTO the building.
<barney> You dumbass, I'm only in here to get myth's Peanut Brittle Lumps. I can't get the tire, but I may as well cut my losses.
* Anyway, barney grabs a box of Lumps and pulls inmate away from the soft-serve dispenser (where he was sucking the ice cream, Homer Simpson-like, directly from the nozzle) and both manage to escape before the spider-mecha walks over the building, unceremoniously levelling it.
<Bugfaced Goon> (over the mecha's loudspeakers) AHAHAHA! Witness the awesome power of "THE BEING?," our greatest scientific triumph, automatically piloted by a genuine newbie brain in aspic!
<barney> WHY, man? WHAT BEEF HAVE YOU WITH US, MAN?!
<Bugfaced Goon> Our master has determined that you would be a threat to his present identity by openly revealing his past identity. To this end, he has given us orders to remove you and your friends without a trace.
<inmate> Space Ghost here. Ready to go, Jan and Jace?
<barney> Somehow, I don't think that causing collateral
property damage and leaving a sizable trail of destruction would make an assassination without some degree of, umm, suspicion?
<Bugfaced Goon> Well, you have a good point. Unfortunately for you, I DON'T GIVE THREE-FIFTHS OF A DAMN! Prepare to die!
* Suddenly, inmate grabs his head and squeals like a little girl. The delayed result of eating a quart's worth of Soft Serve in thirty seconds has taken its effect-
<inmate> BRRRAAAAAYYYYENNNN FREEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZEEEEE!!!!!!
<Bugfaced Goon> Huh?
* inmate continues to wail loudly, waving his arms around uncontrollably and, in doing so, knocking the box of Lumps out of barney's hands.
*He grabs the box and hurls it at the top of the mecha; Naturally, the Rest Stop Peanut Brittle Lumps, made of one of the most dense materials on or off the Periodic Table, go right through the clamshell plating and smash the jar with Axiem's brain in it.
<Axiem's Brain> (Thinking) Game too hard for me. Keep running out of ammo-AAAAGH
* Axiem's brain lands on the pavement, and is crushed immediately afterwards by the falling spider-mecha.
<Bugfaced Goon> Idiots! We need to get up! Switch to manual control!
<Thugs> Duhh...Manual control?
* Rei-Chan's masked face appears on a large monitor in the spider-mecha's cockpit.
<Rei-Chan> Oh. I almost forgot. We had to cut back on unneccesary options like manual steering, so if the newbie brain is seriously disabled in any way, your mecha will merely self-destruct and save you the trouble. Just so you know.
<Bugfaced Goon> NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
<Rei-Chan> What? You know?
* The spider-mecha explodes. One of its legs flies off and smacks inmate in the noggin, causing his brain to unfreeze.
<inmate> Ugggh...Better. Thankzzzzzzzzz.
* Inmate passes out from a concussion. barney notices that a tire for a '73 Winnebagel is stuck on the leg.
<barney> Quick plot resolution action ahoy in this action-packed plot resolution.
* barney throws inmate's limp body over her shoulder and rolls the tire back to the Winnebagel. Thirty minutes later, they're back on the road, inmate regains consciousness, and barney finishes recounting her story to the others.
<mono> Well. That's...Interesting.
<myth> I'm a bit bitter about my peanut brittle, though.
<barney> You could always go back and scrape Axiem's brain off of it.
<myth> Ugh. Never mind, then.
<mono> It's "G'ah."
<myth> No it isn't! It's not even close!
<inmate> At the horizon line, maybe?
<mono> Oh.
<waka> Really, who do you think was after us?
<barney> Who cares?
<waka> Good point.
* Suddenly, Kev Vance appears in the middle of the road.
Waka slams on the brakes.
The gang gets out of the car to greet/confront him.
<waka> WHAT THE HELL were you doing?!
<Everyone Else> Hi, Kev.
<CapnKev> I needed some way to get your attention, guys. The black wind howls...One of you will undoubtedly die in the next Act.
<barney> Die?
<CapnKev> YES! DIE! CROAK! SHED YOUR MORTAL COIL! FEED THE GODDAMN WORMS! But anyway, I have to end this cameo and continue the Linux MZX port with Mentalboy.
* Kev disappears.
<waka> Mono, you're the writer. Didn't you know this?
<mono> Well, sort of. Kind of. I'm the fictional incarnation of mono, but I'm not mono per se. Besides, E. Megas is writing this chapter and doesn't know what the hell he's talking about.
<myth> I DON'T WANNA DIE! WAAAAAAAH!
<barney> You know, if we stopped MZX Rules here, none of us would HAVE to die.
<editor> Nice try, but you can't. You're fictional representations; your actions and situations are controlled by whoever writes you.
<barney> Oh. Yeah, that's right. Damn.
<inmate> Deep, man. Deeeeep.
<waka> In that case, mono wrote me better.
<myth> Hell, even WAKA wrote us better, and he was in a hurry.
<mono> Yeah, Megas hasn't included enough obscure references; he just got hung up on his friggin' Gatchaman and mecha fetishes.
<editor> You're lucky I'm about to end this chapter, or I'd kill you all off right now.
<All> ......
* Better.
And so, we leave our travelers as they drive off into a future where but one thing is certain-That one of them will die in the next act. WHO will get bumped off, where and how? To be frank, I'm not really sure they care at all, but anyway, be sure to see the literary return of mono (and competent writing) In the NEXT EPISODE!
n'stuph.