THE SAGA OF THE ZZT/MEGAZEUXERS: The Read It in One Sitting Edition -- Hello. This is what I hope will be the final edition of the Saga of the ZZT/MegaZeuxers. Until now you could only get the Saga in chunks known to some as Collections, as well as bite-sized morsels called Episodes. This publication combines all four (4) Collections into one volume and removes all the fluff at the beginning and end of each of them, as well as adding tables of contents and fixing some miscellaneous spelling errors and what have you inside the Collections. The Read It in One Sitting Edition has been designed to be read in one sitting. It is also ideal for someone not already acquainted with the Saga, and it leaves out the original Collection Two Episode Five, so as not to be confusing, and because I don't want it seen. Lost Episodes are included. The authors: * Scott D. Hammack * G. Michael Yount * Jim S. McLuckie * Will "M." Gutierrez * V9CyberKid * AndySonic * Darren Chewer Ingredients: Collection One (contains Episodes Zero, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, and Ten), Collection Two (includes Episodes Zero, Six Thousand Seven Hundred Forty Two Point Twenty Seven, Two, Three, Four, Five (replacement), Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, and Ten), Collection Three (features Episodes Zero, One, Two, Three, Three Point Five, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, and Ten), Collection Four (adds a trivial amount of Episodes Zero, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, and Ten), Lost Episodes 0 and 1, carnauba wax, monosodium glutamate, natural and artificial flavours, sugar, high fructose corn syrup and/or sucrose, spam, caffeine. Contains very low sodium: 35 mg or less per 240 ml (8 fl oz) Canned under authority of the Coca-Cola Company, Atlanta, GA, by Baton Rouge Coca-Cola Bottling Company, a div. of Coca-Cola Bottling Co., United, Inc., Baton Rouge, LA 70809, 2 December 1998. Shipped 1 June 1999. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Collection One ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- _____ The / ___/____ _____ _____ _ \__ \/ __ `/ __ `/ __ `/ ___/ / /_/ / /_/ / /_/ / /____/\__,_/\__, /\__,_/ /____/ of the ZZT/MegaZeuxers Collection One Created and edited by Scott Hammack 0 "In the Beginning" S. Hammack 1 "Bhirsch the Weazle" S. Hammack 2 "The Sleaze Bag" S. Hammack 3 "The Party" S. Hammack 4 "S.P.C.Y." S. Hammack 5 "MegaZoo Ex-Con" S. Hammack 6 "The Really Long Episode" G. Michael Yount 7 "Different Dimension" S. Hammack 8 "The Beginning" S. Hammack (featuring J. McLuckie) 9 "The Middle" J. McLuckie 10 "The End" Non-fiction, with a bit by S. Hammack ---------- Episode 0 "In the Beginning" ---------- [In the beginning, there was Sweeney. He created a program, a wholly amazing program called ZZT. Thus was born a new generation -- the ZZTers. GJanson was one of them, creating the most magnificent ZZT worlds in the history of Sweeneyism. GJanson's worlds were not just worlds -- they were galaxies, even better than those created by Sweeney himself. GJanson's worlds were lush and fabulous, filled with flowering aigrettes, agglomerates, and archimandrites. Then GJanson created an entire new universe... it was called MegaZeux. And the MZXers were born. In America Online, a large building on Earth, ZZT/MZXers gathered to build their own little rooms on the 27th floor for the world-making companies they owned. There were also rooms dedicated to ZZT and MegaZeux themselves, and they were the central gathering places for the ZZT/MZXers. They would gather in the rooms to talk about life, the universes, and everything. Especially the universes of ZZT and MegaZeux. Eventually, though, the ZZT/MZXers got a bit greedy, and went on to find bigger, better rooms out on the Internet. However, they got lost and were sucked away into the endless void. Only a select few, the last of the great line of ZZT/MZXers, survived. This is not their story. This is the story of all the ZZT/MZXers, and what happened to them in the times when the original rooms were still in existence, and the fun, pain, and other stuff they shared.] ---------- Episode 1 "Bhirsch the Weazle" ---------- [The events which occur in the following story are drawn from parallel dimensions and probably will not actually happen in the dimension from which you are reading this. Some of these events did happen in more than one of the parallel dimensions. They didn't necessarily do it in chronological order, though. So most of the story is at least wildly inaccurate. To you, at least. The year is 1996. After the Uppress Wars and the Big Char Fad, many of the original ZZT/MZXers, like Compukid, The Weazle, Monthigos, and others have been killed. The remaining ZZT/MZXers are being annoyed by new ZZT/MZXers who either don't know what they're talking about, are wildly confused, or are just plain annoying. The most despised of these mysteriously showed up in the MegaZeux room, claiming that because he was 9 years old and couldn't spell, he could help you in constructing MegaZeux worlds. He also replied to very old topics that had drifted back to him through a freak wormhole in time, and said "bye" hundreds of times after each paragraph. The name of this cruel, annoying monster was Bill Hirsch, but the ZZT/MZXers knew him as... Bhirsch3.] Nzenik: Yes!! I finally got fired by that @$$holio ZZTurbo! I quit Z/Z Productions! I'm free, free I tell you!! ZZTurbo: What were you saying about me? The Famous Scott: Cripes! It's HIM! [The Famous Scott runs out. An eerie silence follows, but is suddenly broken by...] Bhirsch3: hi im blil hrsich adn im 9 yeasr old btu im smrat and i cn fix yor gmae jst gvie me a chancea nd i cn fix yor gam an my dad is samrt oto so im smatr nd i wlil fix yor gmae bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye RobertCane: Crudderoo! It's a newbie! T0UCAN: I'm not a newbie! CLAbles: I am NOT a newbie! You always call me a newbie but I'm not! I've been here as long as you have and I bet my game could beat up your game! So just shut up, or at least get some information before you open your big fat mouth! Raaaaaaah! RobertCane: Shut up, CLAbles, I was talking about Bhirsch. CLAbles: Oh. Don't tell me to shut up, you walking carpet cleaner! Your egg will be covered in bugs! [The Famous Scott comes back in, eating a donut.] The Famous Scott: Hey everybody, what's going on? They've got chocolate donuts out in the OH MY GOD! A NEWBIE!!! CLAbles: AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGH!! The Famous Scott: Not you, the guy who's standing there saying "bye!" Bhirsch3: bye bye bye hi im blil hrsich adn im 9 yeasr ikd btu im smrat and... ZZTOmega: Oh great! There he goes again! [GJanson comes in.] GJanson: Hey, how's it going? [sees Bhirsch] Uh-oh! Bhirsch3: hi im blil hrsich adn im... GJanson: Listen, Bill. You need to stop saying the same thing over and over again. It wastes time and bandwidth. I haven't seen you fix anyone's game, but you've made your point. You can stop now. Bhirsch3: bye bye bye bye bye bye... GJanson: Right. See you later. [under his breath:] unless I can possibly avoid you. Bhirsch3: bye bye bye bye bye bye... GJanson: What's wrong with this kid? ZZTOmega: He has some mental problems. GJanson: Ohhh. [Bhirsch is still saying "bye" when suddenly his voice changes and...] Bhirsch3: Hey, this is Bhirsch's older brother. I heard about what he was doing and don't worry, he won't try that again. Spider124: Ow! My eyelid! Yapok Jr: Hey! I was going to say that! [Typo Ink runs in frantically] Typo Ink: AAAAAAAH! THE WEAZLE'S DEAD!! The Famous Scott: Maybe Bhirsch killed him. CLAbles: Shut up, MAJJ. Typo Ink: Bhirsch *did* kill him! AAAAAAAAAAH! ZZTOmega: Where's the body? I'll do an autopsy. Typo Ink: I don't know! I can't find it anywhere! And all his social security information is intact! Barney9651: Did you look in the refrigerator? Typo Ink: I -- the refrigerator? Barney9651: That's where I always find stuff. Typo Ink [scornfully]: No, I didn't look in the refrigerator. I guess I'd better check. [Typo Ink strolls over to the refridgerator and opens it. The Weazle comes out, smoking a cigar.] The Weazle: Woo! Is it cold in here, or is it just me? [The Weazle struts across the room, slips on a banana peel, and falls out the 27th story window.] Typo Ink: D'OH! -- >Your egg will be covered in bugs! ---------- Episode 2 "The Sleaze Bag" ---------- [After The Weazle fell out the window, ZZTOmega jumped out so he could get to him fast and be the first to do an autopsy. Unfortunately, when ZZTOmega landed, he was only in good enough condition to *receive* an autopsy. However, a few minutes later he woke up, climbed up the wall of America Online, and back into the MegaZeux room's window. Meanwhile on the street, The Weazle had landed on a pillow truck. It was not an open truck and he crashed against the top, rolled off into the street and was run over by a marshmallow truck. His body was not found. Meanwhile, in the ZED/OMEGA PRODUCTIONS room...] Jmstuckman: I am annoying! I am *annoying!* I *am* annoying! *I* am annoying! ZZTOmega: What the @#$% are you doing? Jmstuckman: I'm practicing, you @#$%! ZZTOmega: Practicing? What the @#$% do you have to practice for? Jmstuckman: I have to be @#$%ing annoying! I'm practicing how the @#$% to say that I @#$%ing am! ZZTOmega: @#$% that! We have @#$%ing work to do to get this @#$%ing room ready for the 350th @#$%ing message! Jmstuckman: Oh @#$%! Let's go to ZZT @#$%ing Central! [ZZTOmega, Jmstuckman, and the rest of the ZED/OMEGA crew walk to the ZZT Central room. To do this, they have to close the door to the ZED/OMEGA room, which opens the door into the hall. They walk past the MAJJSoft room, from whence party sounds are emanating, and come to the door to ZZT Central. To get in the way they want, they can't just open the door, they have to push a button which is located on the floor. This button, being on the floor, is often stepped on accidentally and the stepper is flooded with people from the ZZT Central room, as the floor button opens the ZZT Central room's doors, but opens it so that the door slides downward, but only part of the way so that only the people who have recently entered and are therefore near the top, fall out on the stepper. This often generates a large amount of confusion as the people from the room fall onto the button, which then opens even more, and more people fall out. This is repeated until the door tries to go farther down than it can, and it malfunctions, disconnects itself from the button, and falls 27 floors to the bottom of the building, slicing in half the people walking through other doors. It's not a good system. Anyway, the ZED/OMEGA guys manage to get into ZZT Central, where...] Snowm: Welcome to the Sleaze Bag. Ha ha ha! [The Famous Scott, looking a bit disheveled, walks in and says "Woo!"] T0UCAN: The what? Snowm: No, the Sleaze Bag. The Famous Scott: Yeah, this place is just filled with sleaze these days. [The Famous Scott gets a strange look for a second, blinks suddenly and goes back to the MAJJSoft room. Party sounds emanate again.] Spider124: Let's get out of here. [They all leave ZZT Central, which takes a while. The Famous Scott flies out from the MAJJSoft room and crashes against the wall.] The Famous Scott: Woo! What are you guys up to? ZZT Zed: We're leaving ZZT Central. The Famous Scott: Don't just leave, let's burn the place! ZZTOmega: Uh... okay... The Famous Scott [starts singing "Disco Inferno" and produces a flamethrower from his jacket]: Yeaah!! HAhahahahashvugtighr! [The Famous Scott fires the flamethrower at ZZT Central. There is a large explosion and the Famous Scott is pushed backward into the MAJJSoft room from the force of the explosion. Party sounds emanate from the MAJJSoft room again. The door, though it malfunctions a lot, is working quite well today and had put up a force shield. Meanwhile, the ZED/OMEGA crew go back in the ZZT Central room and Jmstuckman annoys everyone.] -- >Yeaah!! HAhahahahashvugtighr! ---------- Episode 3 "The Party" ---------- [Party sounds are emanating from the MAJJSoft room. That's because there is a party going on inside. The party livens up even more when the Famous Scott flies through the door in front of a large explosion. The Famous Scott ends up lying on the floor. He looks up and sees Barney9651 on the ceiling.] The Famous Scott: Whoa. Cool. Barney9651: I'm testing my new "Walking on the Ceiling" engine (patent pending). The Famous Scott: It works. Barney9651: Yeah, well -- uh-oh. [The Famous Scott moves out of the way just before Barney9651 falls to the ground and falls through the floor.] The Famous Scott [looks through the hole in the floor]: Whoa. Bobo245: Dude guy, great party! The Famous Scott: Uh, yeah. Thanks. [A disheveled Barney9651 bursts in.] The Famous Scott: Hi, good to see you again. Yapok Jr: I've got to try that! [jumps through hole in the floor, and bursts in the door shortly later] Yapok Jr: Wow! Now where are my yaks? [Firepike comes in.] Everybody except the Famous Scott: Who are you? The Famous Scott: John-Boy! Haven't seen you in a while. Firepike: It was really tough getting here. I stepped on this button and a bunch of people fell on me. That's why I'm late. Everybody else: Who is that? The Famous Scott: Oh yeah. This is John Harrington, one of the other members of MAJJSoft. [Nobody cares.] Everybody: Blah blah blah... The Famous Scott: Yeah, go ahead! Have fun! Remember: It's only teenage wasteland; we're all wasted! [does a Jack Perkins laugh] [Suddenly the lights dim. A puff of smoke appears in the middle of the room.] Yapok Jr: Okay, who cut the cheese? The Famous Scott: Wasn't me. Barney9651: Well of course it wasn't me. Bobo245: He who smelt it dealt it.. Monthigos: It was ME!! The Famous Scott: Gasp! It's Monthigos, returned from the grave on the anniversary of the night we betrayed him!! T0UCAN, Snowm, Jmstuckman: Who's Monthigos? Monthigos: I am! E Creator2: The creator of Sivion, which ended up in the Vaporware Hall of Fame. The Famous Scott: Gasp! It's E Creator2, returned from Pipeline on the anniversary of the night we betrayed him!! The Weazle: Hi. The Famous Scott: Gasp! It's The Weazle, returned from the grave on the anniversary of the night we betrayed him!! Barney9651: How many people did we betray that night? The Famous Scott: A lot! The Weazle: I'm not dead! I'm getting better. The Famous Scott: You fell from the 27th story window! How did you survive? The Weazle: I'll tell you... [Music starts, everyone starts singing...] Everyone: He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He fell from the 27th story window, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah indow... Launcelot: Could somebody give me a push? [Monthigos and E Creator2 roar in annoyance and explode. The Weazle catches fire and falls through the hole in the floor. Stunned silence.] The Famous Scott: Okay, party's over, folks. -- >We're all wasted! ---------- Episode 4 "S.P.C.Y." ---------- [Meanwhile, in California, Stephen Ratliff sits in a cushy leather chair chewing his hand. He is deeply concerned about the number of MiSTies rising rapidly. This could mean the end of his work, his fun, his life. Oh well. Back on the 27th story...] The Famous Scott: 42! 42! 42! 42! 42! 42! 42! 42! 42! 42! ZZTOmega: Shut up!! The Famous Scott: Okay. [Meanwhile, on the planet Macatoon...] Dvpyy Jszzsva: Ki;os. jperbrt. om yjr ;ohjy smf bodopmd pg yjr oddird pg Dysm;ru. er vjsmhrf pit ,omfd/ Er jsbr frvofrf yp omv;ifr s drvtry ,rddshr. Dysm;ru. gpt upi. smf gpt s;; yjr pyjrt nppl [stymrtd/ [Back in the MegaZeux room of the America Online building in Norfolk, Virginia, United States of America, North America, northern hemisphere, Earth...] GJanson: Okay, I'm not going to make any new versions of MegaZeux. Everybody else: Gasp! GJanson: Just kidding! Everybody else: Ha ha ha, what a wacky zany nutty funster! ZZTOmega: HAS EVERYONE GONE INSANE? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASDFOITSRJMVOPREFLS JKSFLHH RKLKFH FHDSHVSDUIFJHSUUSAOAMVCHGEW! [EmperorP walks in.] EmperorP: Hey, I heard they had free bagels in here and -- why is he screaming random letters? ZZTOmega: Why not? SKFHISDFMKEOVEHIOSRHOEVAIOAUHISODJKOFHEOIVHFIOW... Km: Hi. ZZTOmega: How did you get here? You're not an America Online member. Km: Uh... yeah, but there's like this weird lot in space and you sort of park there, and it's like... it's so weird 'cause... uh... ZZTOmega: Geez, forget I asked. Km: Welcome to Norway! CLAbles: THIS ISN'T NORWAY!! Km: Use your imagination! [CLAbles tries to use his imagination, disappears, and is sent to Norway.] CLAbles: [flying to Norway] It wooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkkkkkssssssss!!! [Meanwhile, back in the MegaZeux room...] GJanson: Ahem. Anyway, the 27th Annual ZZT and MegaZeux Conventio-Con is going to be held Thursday. Just telling you. [GJanson steps down from the mike and Yapok Jr goes up to it.] Yapok Jr: And, I'd just like to say, if anyone sees a yak around here, please return it to me. [Yapok Jr steps down. The Famous Scott takes the podium and starts singing "Louie, Louie."] ZZT Zed: So, you going to the 'Con? ZZTOmega: Who isn't? A yak: I'm not. Of course, it doesn't matter to you, does it? No! I'm just another yak in the crowd to you, aren't I? Ingrates. Yapok Jr [chases after the yak]: Hey! Come back here! Yak: Zoiks! Gotta go! EmperorP: Anyway, I heard that Adam "Myth" Parrish is going to be at the 'Con. Snowm: Who's Adam "Myth" Parrish? [The Famous Scott temporarily stops singing "Louie, Louie," says, "He used to be Compukid," and goes back to singing.] Snowm: Who's Compukid? Spider124: It was before your time. [Suddenly the podium explodes. The Famous Scott flies past Barney9651, Yapok Jr, and a yak; says "Hi," and smashes into The Weazle, who runs into the wall and hits a switch (Jimmy Smits), causing a 10-pound bowling ball to fall on his toes. Then the yak runs by and shoves a red-hot cactus up The Weazle's nose.] Yak: Yap yap dibby dow pop pop bobadown bobadown bobadown bobadown bobadown. [Yapok Jr seizes this opportunity and throws a wet slug at the yak as Bobo245's Aunt Matilda swallows her tongue in agony. She belches loudly, and the end of the tongue flies out, wraps around the yak's neck, snaps back, and pulls the yak and Yapok Jr into Aunt Matilda's mouth. They escape and sue Aunt Matilda for cruelty to yaks.] -- >Yap yap dibby dow pop pop bobadown bobadown bobadown bobadown bobadown. ---------- Episode 5 "MegaZoo Ex-Con" ---------- [It's Thursday... the day of the 27th Annual ZZT and MegaZeux Conventio-Con. Everybody who's anybody is there.] GJanson: Ahem.. uh... is this thing on? You want to come take a look at this, Helen? Helen: Hmmmm.. testing, one two, one two... it's not working. GJanson: I know, that's why I wanted you to look at it. Helen: Well anyone can see it's not working. GJanson: Yeah, I thought maybe you would know why, look, just forget it, okay? The Famous Scott: Let me try. [The Famous Scott walks up to the podium and kicks it. Yapok Jr and his yak (who recently came into a hefty sum of money) join in, giving it a good hard thwop (it being the podium, not the Famous Scott). Barney9651 comes up and slaps it. ZZTOmega starts punching it, Jmstuckman moves it around. Eventually they are all attacking the podium. Most of them don't even know why they're doing it, other than that they are into violence, but soon the angry mob picks up the podium and throws it across the room, where it lands on The Weazle. Loud feedback can be heard.] The Famous Scott: There we go. I knew I could fix it. [walks away] [The rest of the mob run over to the podium and start stomping on it. GJanson decides to just give his speech without it.] GJanson: ahem... Ahem... AHEM... AHEM!!... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!! ... [stands there for a minute, then blinks. The sound of the blink makes everyone snap to attention.] Ah, there. Now. I didn't have a speech prepared er nuthin', but here's my speech: Welcome to the 27th Annual ZZT and MegaZeux Conventio-Con. [Everyone cheers and starts partying.] GJanson: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Sorry to take up so much of your time, but I have a bit more to say. [The crowd groans and looks at their digital watches. The ones who don't have digital watches stare blankly at their wrists just so they can fit in with the people who do.] GJanson: First of all, I'd like to say that there are people here from all over the world, even Norway, so... learn to speak Norwegian! [And the crowd goes wild! Hehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!] GJanson: Wait wait wait, I'm still not finished. [The crowd looks at their digital watches, or in some cases, their wrists.] GJanson: The new version of MegaZeux will come out AAAAAAAH! [A shot rings out, a bullet flies past GJanson's ear, and in the silence that follows, the only sound is a small "Uh-oh" from the back of the room. The ghost of Monthigos, at the back of the room holding a pistol, drops the gun on the floor and runs. When the gun hits the floor, it fires, shooting The Weazle in the stomach. Paramedics run in and take the gun to the hospital.] GJanson: It's Monthigos! Get him!! [Havoc ensues. Everyone tries to attack Monthigos, but as a ghost, objects pass through him and they end up attacking each other. Meanwhile, Monthigos flies out through the ceiling, gives an earth-shattering roar, and explodes again. Apparently that's what ghosts do when they want to make like a banana. Inside, everyone is beating everyone else to pulps. But they're not aware of E Creator2, hiding in the curtains behind the podium. Slowly he turns. Step by step. Inch by inch. Day by day. Let's start over -- oh, wait, no. Back to the story. Slowly he turns. Step by step. Inch by inch. CLAbles yells "MARTHA!!!!" and E Creator2 stage-dives into the audience and starts whacking him. The crowd, forgetting about Monthigos and everyone beating each other up, comes together, lifts up E Creator2, and throws him out the 27th story window. The Weazle, standing in front of the window, is knocked out too. They land in an open manhole, from whence the following sounds are heard: Splash! Swish. Squish. "Eww!" Grooooooaaaaaaaaannn. "Yipes! A gator!" Rip!! [Back inside, everything is silent for about 15 seconds.] GJanson: Well. Ahem. This is the most exciting 'Con in a while, I'd have to say. Now if I can just finish my speech... -- >MARTHA!!! ---------- Episode 6 "The Really Long Episode" (nmiaow) ---------- [Hi. I'm Michael Yount, the author of this episode. I feel that the Con needs some description, so I put the way I envision it into words. Oh, and BTW, I added some stuff that Scott didn't think of.] [Well, here we are, still at the 27th Annual ZZT and MegaZeux Conventio-Con. Everyone is here. All the ZZT/MZX groups have booths and are giving away free copies of their games. At the front of the convention center, there's a huge screen display, made up of twelve screens, in 3x4 rows, each screen showing previews of games. Everything has calmed down now. And there are tables everywhere giving away t-shirts and other memorabilia of ZZT/MZX groups. Now that you know what the place looks like, let's tell you where it starts. Y'see, GJanson is up at the front of the center. He's in the wall of screens. He steps up to the podium to finish his speech. Yes, they did replace the podium.] GJanson [into microphone]: Ahem. Is this thing on? Speakers: [audio feedback] Crowd [except for CLAbles]: Aaauugh! Oww! My ears! CLAbles: He likes his collars extra fluffy. Hee hee hee. GJanson [into microphone]: Okay. I think the audio system is okay now. So, here's my speech. Four scores and seven beers ago, [buzz, static] Speakers: [no audio] [The crowd acts like they're listening intently to GJanson's speech. Once he's done, they walk off. GJanson, unaware of the audio system outage, goes to the doors to greet people.] [Scene: The Zed-Omega booth. It's made out of an eight-foot table. A banner with the words "ZED-OMEGA PRODUCTIONS" is hanging off of it. On one end of the table, there's a thing that looks like an automatic card shuffler with an LCD display. On the other end, Mono 10 is standing there with a laptop computer with a large twisted-pair cable running into it.] [The Famous Scott, ZZT Zed, ZZTOmega, CLAbles and T0UCAN are standing around, talking to each other. Well, actually, CLAbles is just sorta standing there, softly laughing like Beavis. Mono 10 is using the convention center's T-3 connection and a laptop to surf the 'net.] T0UCAN: Chumble ... fuzz? ZZT Zed: No! Chumble SPUZZ! SPUZZ! S-P-U-Z-Z! T0UCAN: Bumble ... buzz? ZZT Zed: FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME! CHUMBLE SPUZZ! C-H-U-M-B-L-E S-P-U-Z-Z! T0UCAN: Mumble gruzz? ZZT Zed: Agh. It's hopeless. ZZTOmega: CLAbles, stop laughing like Beavis before you get fired. CLAbles: Fire! Fire! Fire me! Heheheheheheh. [he continues laughing like Beavis] ZZT Zed: He never has been the same since that week you left, Omega. He started obsessing with burning houses, women, and children. ZZTOmega: Oh. Mono 10 [looking away from his laptop for a moment]: Let's call a mental hospital about poor old CLAbles. CLAbles (he looks at Mono and does a doubletake, then we hear a snapping sound): Hey! No! Don't send me to a mental ward! ZZTOmega: Oh! Yay! You're back to normal! ZZT Zed: Whatever that is ... Jmstuckman: *I* am annoying! I *am* annoying! I am *annoying!* *I AM ANNOYING!* *I*A*M*A*N*N*O*Y*I*N*G*!* The Famous Scott: You certainly are. Jmstuckman: Hey! I resemble that remark! The Famous Scott: Like I said. [Scene: The convention center entrance. GJanson stands there and greets everyone coming in.] [Suddenly, Bhirsch3 comes in] Bhirsch3: hi im blil hrisch and ic na fix yore meagzux gmase ia m onyl 9 yrase odl bu ti,m smrta bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye GJanson: OHHHHH MY GAAAAWWWWWD!!! WHO LET THAT LITTLE LOSER IN HERE?! CANCEL THE CONVENTION! GUARDS!! [A collective gasp arises from the crowd. A security guard walks by, and pulls out his gun and points it at Bhirsch3 and fires! Bhirsch3 is hit... Bhirsch3 is near death... but then:] Bhirsch3 (whose voice suddenly changes): Ohh... my ... hearrt... oh... augh... [Bhirsch3 is dead.] GJanson: Eww. Gross. CALL THE JANITORS! AND BY THE WAY, THE CONVENTION IS STILL ON, EVERYBODY! [The coroner comes and grudgingly picks up Bhirsch's body. The guard that killed him takes the day off.] [Scene: The ZED-OMEGA booth again.] The Famous Scott: Well, I'm outta here. I'm gonna check out the competition. ZZT Zed: I'm gonna SuperLock our games so that little retard Bhirsch, or his proteges (if he had any) won't steal anything from our games. He ain't smart enough to unlock anything. Not even his bathroom door. ZZTOmega: I'm gonna check out the eats. Mono 10: I'm not going anywhere. ZZT Zed (grinning): Yeah, because we're the only booth that has exclusive access to the center's T-3 connection. Mono 10: Exactly. Jmstuckman: *I* am annoying! I *am* annoying! I am *annoying!* *I AM ANNOYING!* *I*A*M*A*N*N*O*Y*I*N*G*!* ZZT Zed: Hey Jm, whydoncha do something constructive, like duplicate your Hacker's Guide to ZZT? I got a disk duplicator right here, and HGtZZT would be great to add to the stuff we're giving away. Jmstuckman: Because ... *I* am annoying! I *am* annoying! I am *annoying!* *I AM ANNOYING!* *I*A*M*A*N*N*O*Y*I*N*G*!* ZZT Zed: Mono, slap him. Slap him now. Mono 10: With pleasure. [Mono slaps Jmstuckman] Jmstuckman: OW! Mono 10: Well, you deserved it. Jmstuckman: Well, you stopped me from my annoying chant. I think I'll duplicate my HGtZZT now. [Jmstuckman pulls a disk out of his pocket. He puts it into a machine that looks somewhat like an automatic card shuffler looks like. He puts the HGtZZT disk into one side, and ZZT Zed puts a whole stack of disks into the other side. The disk duplicator displays a copying progress bar. Jmstuckman sits there and watches the progress bar run. After each disk is done, a label is printed and affixed to the disk. But, the progress bar is what fascinates him the most.] [Scene: The Helios booth, right next to the Zed-Omega booth.] [A sign is hanging off of the sign that says "HELIOS". It says: Out to lunch Back in 31,536,000 seconds (525,600 minutes, 8,760 hours, 365 days, or 1 year.)] [Scene: Something that looks like an old '50s diner.] [ZZTOmega walks up to the bar and...] ZZTOmega: I'd like two chili dogs, an EconoSize(TM) Coke, and small fries. Order-taker: Uh, like, that'll be $11.13... please drive through ZZTOmega: You idiot! This isn't a drive-thru! Order-taker: Uh, like, I'll have to talk to my manager about that... But anyway, like, here's your order [ZZTOmega takes his order] Someone else: I want a milkshake. An EconoSize(TM) chocolate milkshake. Order-taker: Uh, like, that'll be $19.83... please drive through Someone else: What's in your head, sawdust? This isn't a drive-thru! Order-taker: Yeah, someone else told me that. I'll have to talk to my manager about that 'coz people are, like, complaining about it, But here's your shake [The person takes their milkshake] [NOTE: That order-taker guy was a cheap attempt at parodying parodies of the order-takers at fast food restaurants.] ZZTOmega: Thank you. [He walks to a table and sits down and starts to eat] [A guy walks by.] Guy That Walked By: hi im andrewt and im starting a zzt company if you join i'll give you the i cant die cheat and ill tell you how to powerlock games if youve seen zpower4 then you know what i mean [The Famous Scott walks up and orders something. He seeks out ZZTOmega, and sits down to talk business.] The Famous Scott [looking at AndrewT]: What a loser. Somebody should kill him. ZZTOmega: Hello. The Famous Scott: Hi. So, tell me about... [Scene: For ten seconds, we see a picture of a cauliflower. Zoom out. We see the coroner holding up a picture of a cauliflower in front of Bhirsch3's dead body.] Coroner: Well, boy, what do you see? [The coroner waits about ten seconds...] Coroner: He's dead alright. [Scene: The diner.] ZZTOmega: Well, Scott, it's a ... [Scene: The front of the center, with all the screens. And the podium too.] [GJanson steps up to the podium.] GJanson: Yo! Listen up, everybody! [Everyone turns their heads toward GJanson. We hear a snapping sound in sync with the head turns...] GJanson: This is one of the most successful 'cons ever. Unfortunately... It's over. For now, anyway. Be sure to visit the 28th one next year, though. [pause for 5 seconds ...] GJanson: Just kidding! Crowd: Ha ha, what a wacky zany nutty funster! [GJanson looks at his watch] GJanson: Uh-oh. Crowd: Uh-oh? GJanson: Er, well, our time for using this Conventio-Con center is up. Crowd: It was funny the first time... GJanson: No, really. Look at the schedule by the entrance. Crowd: [stampedes over to the entrance to look at the schedule] GJanson: 5...4...3...2... Crowd: Well, I'll be darned. GJanson: Right on time. Crowd: [stampedes out the door] GJanson: Well, it was fun while it lasted. [We can hear the following ...] The Famous Scott: EEEEEGAD! Someone: Eeee... gas? The Famous Scott: NO! EEEEEGAD! Someone: Eeee... gak? The Famous Scott: ARE YOU DEAF? HOW CAN YOU BE SO DEAF WITH SUCH BIG EARS?! GJanson: That again ... oh well. [Scene: A steaming pizza. We see the words "EAT A PIZZA" zoom by.] Voice: Muggawuggawugga. [Scene: The Famous Scott's home, somewhere in Mississippi.] The Famous Scott: Hmm... Should I MiST the Saga, or not? To MiST or not to MiST. That is the question. TV: Question the is that ... be to not, or be to. The Famous Scott: Agh. I hate that commercial. [TFS changes the TV channel to MTV.] TV Remote: [click] TV: [chhhkkk] [On TV: Beavis and Butthead intro. Zoom out. Sigfried and Roy watching Beavis and Butthead.] [In Aiken, South Carolina ...] ZZT Zed: [thinking] I wonder if Sigfried and Roy and Beavis and Butthead were seperated at birth... [Back at Scott's home] The Famous Scott: I think I'll log on to AOL. [Back at ZZT Zed's home] ZZT Zed: I think I'll log on to AOL. [Split-screen: On the left, The Famous Scott is sitting in front of his computer. On the right, ZZT Zed is sitting in front of HIS computer.] ZZT Zed's and The Famous Scott's Modems: [dialing] ZZT Zed's and The Famous Scott's Modems: [connecting] [Scott's half of the screen slides off, giving us a full-screen view of ZZT Zed. Then, a little window zooms open, giving us a PIP (Picture In Picture) view of The Famous Scott.] [Scene: ZZT Zed's computer screen. He runs AOL 3.0, and thus, can keep an eye out if any of his friends are online. The Famous Scott is one of them.] [Zoom in on ZZT Zed's AOL 3.0 "buddy list"...] [excerpt] | Friends (1/3) | | MAJJSoft* | [end excerpt] [And on The Famous Scott's computer...] [excerpt] | ZZT/MZXers (1/9)| | ZZT Zed* | [end excerpt] [back to split screen again] The Famous Scott and ZZT Zed: [in unison] Gee, I think I'll IM him ... [various clicking sounds indicative of someone trying to IM someone else.] ZZT Zed [offscreen]: FREEZE FRAME! [The scene stops. ZZT Zed walks up to the line splitting the screen, and turns.] ZZT Zed: Bet you're wondering how we got home so quickly from the 'Con, right? People [offscreen]: Right! ZZT Zed: Well, it's simple. You see, it's movie magic. We cut out a lot of boring driving scenes and stuff like that, so you won't be sitting through something that is, all in all, boring. People [offscreen]: Yay! Zed doesn't want us to be bored! ZZT Zed: Well, actually, given the choice I would've. People [offscreen]: [groaning] Awwwwwwww... ZZT Zed: Just kidding! People [offscreen]: [jovially] Ha ha! What a wacky zany nutty funster! ZZT Zed: Okay, I'm gonna leave and let the saga continue. [Zed walks across the screen and leaves.] ZZT Zed: [offscreen] Um, CONTINUE! [pause] [splitscreen video resumes] ZZT Zed's computer speakers: [electrical buzz] [kaboom!] Voice (from speakers): I DID *NOT* DO ANYTHING WRONG! IT WAS A GLITCH, A ... A, TECHNICAL MALFUNCTION! ZZT Zed: Heh. I like that WAV file. [On ZZT Zed's and The Famous Scott's computer screens, we see a dialog box that says that the IMs have collided.] ZZT Zed and The Famous Scott: Wonky. [pause] [enthusiastically] I'll try again. [this IM collision happens two more times, until they both stop. Zed thinks for a second, and then tries to IM The Famous Scott, while The Famous Scott just sits there.] The Famous Scott's computer speakers: [AOL default IM sound] The Famous Scott: [blink] Oh, hey, Zed, that wacky zany nutty funster just IMed me! [pause] [insightfully] I'd better answer. {{ NOTE: >> The following is portrayed as speech, because it's just easier for me to type. }} ZZT Zed: Hey, didja ever wonder if Sigfried and Roy and Beavis and Butthead were seperated at birth? The Famous Scott: Hey, I just saw an MTV commercial where Sigfried and Roy were watching Beavis and Butthead! ZZT Zed: Hmm. I think I've seen that one. But it was the farthest thing from my mind when I IMed you about that. The Famous Scott: Hmm. ZZT Zed: Well, I gotta go, see ya later. [Zed logs off of AOL.] [Scene: Blackness. Yoda, from Star Wars, is floating there, with an odd greenish-white aura around him.] Yoda: Hmmm! Trouble with grammar have I! Yes! Hmmm! [And thus, Episode 06 of the Saga of the ZZT/Megazeuxers comes to a close. But stick around; it's bound to get interesting.] -- >[A guy walks by.] ---------- Episode 7 "Different Dimension" ---------- [The events of Episode 6, which took place in dimension #2761342, did not happen in dimension #4213627. We now take you back to the end of Episode 5, where dimensions 2761342 and 4213627 start to take different courses. We will return to dimension #2761342 later.] [Actually it was an excuse for me to put more stuff at the 'Con.] GJanson: Well. Ahem. This is the most exciting 'Con in a while, I'd have to say. Now if I can just finish my speech... hmm, where was I? T0UCAN: Pizza's here! [There is a mad rush for the pizza boxes T0UCAN sets on the floor. GJanson decides to continue with his speech anyway; it's about the only way he will ever be able to finish it.] GJanson: Well, the new version of MegaZeux... man, that pizza smells good. The new version... wow, you got crazy bread too? The new... Hmm, I need to tell everyone about the new MegaZeux, but that pizza looks so good; what a taste-teaser! Bobo245: Don't resist your urges, dude guy. GJanson: Hmm. Oh, what the heck. [GJanson screams "CRAZY BREAD!!!!", jumps over the podium, lands right in front of the pizza, does a one-handed flip thing over the box, (and on the way over, grabs a slice and a piece of crazy bread) bounces off the floor, grabs onto the ceiling fan, spins around, lets go, and flies back over behind the podium. He starts to take a bite, and] GJanson: Oh, man! I forgot to get a drink. EmperorP: Here, take mine. GJanson: What have you got? EmperorP: Orange juice, coffee, Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, orange soda, milk, iced tea, hot tea. GJanson: That's McDonald's's beverage menu. [GJanson takes a sip, and spits it out.] EmperorP: That's the drink. GJanson: Ewwwwwwwww! EmperorP: What? GJanson: I hate orange soda! [rimshot] EmperorP: What was that? GJanson: I don't know. The Famous Scott: Tracy! Don't put that drumstick up your nose! EmperorP: Who's Tracy? The Famous Scott: You know, from the Partridge family. EmperorP: Oh, so she was the one who played those drums. The Famous Scott: Don't be silly. Tracy plays tambourine. EmperorP: But you said she was putting a drumstick up her nose! The Famous Scott: She is. She's eating chicken. [another rimshot] CLAbles: Whoever keeps playing those drums, I'm going to find him, and I'm going to bite him. [E Creator2 runs by] E Creator2: *I* played the drums! Muwahahahahahaha! CLAbles: Hey, what the? We heard the alligator tearing you apart! Yapok Jr: It sounded delicious! E Creator2: That was The Weazle! I escaped! Muwahahahahahahaha! [MarioMania walks by with a jelly donut.] MarioMania: Hi. Everybody: WAAAAAAAAAAAH! MarioMania: Was it something I said? T0UCAN [pointing]: HE'S GOT A DONUT!! [The crowd goes wild. Hehhhhhhhhhhh!] MarioMania: Yuh-oh. [MarioMania runs. The crowd of rampaging ZZT/MZXers run after him screaming things like "It's jelly!" and "It has pink icing and sprinkles!" MarioMania jumps out the window, swings on a power line, leaps over to the America Online building across the street, and lands right in the MegaZeux room. The crowd tries to follow him. Some of them fall out the window, and some of them touch the power line while still touching the building. Eventually they get into the America Online building, where MarioMania is trying to figure out the door system. He steps on a button on the floor near the door to ZZT Central, but since nobody is in the room, nothing falls out. MarioMania dances on the button until the door falls through the floor. Meanwhile, the other ZZT/MZXers are working their way around the winding staircases of the building and are on the 26th flight of stairs when a door falls from the ceiling, slicing The Weazle in half. The other ZZT/MZXers say "Nyahahahaaah" and they all jump out the nearest windows and go back to the 'Con. MarioMania eventually comes down from the 27th story to the lobby, and gives his jelly donut to the receptionist at the desk, who just happens to be Adam "Myth" Parrish.] MarioMania: Here, have a bad luck charm. Myth: I hate the night shift. -- >Don't resist your urges, dude guy! ---------- Episode 8 "The Beginning" ---------- [We now take you to dimension #6974969, where the events of dimension 2761342 and 4213627 have hopefully smushed together and blended fairly smoothly. It is after the 'Con. In the 27th floor of the America Online building, it is a period of social unrest. The Bhirsch incident left most of the MegaZeuxers a bit edgy, but the ZZTers didn't have to put up with it, so they were not as apprehensive as the MegaZeuxers when the Newbies arrived. And they arrived swiftly and nearly undetected until a huge wave of newbies suddenly burst into the 27th story and bombarded the ZZT/MZXers with stupid questions.] Newbie 1: What do sharks do? Newbie 2: How do I move the cursor? Newbie 3: What's 2 plus 2? Newbie 4: What does MZX stand for? Newbie 5: Why is the sky green? Newbie 6: How do I tie my shoelaces? Newbie 7: What's a newbie? The Famous Scott: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! Barney9651: The newbies are taking over the world! The Famous Scott: Plus, I ate my ice cream too fast! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! GJanson [running around shooing newbies away]: Hey! Don't touch that! Whoa big fella! Hey hey hey! Get away from there! Barney9651: Yapok! Release the yaks! [Yapok Jr starts to open the door to the Yak Chamber, but...] GJanson: WAIIIIIIIIIIT! [he blinks. Everyone snaps to attention.] Time for a meeting! To the war room! [The Famous Scott and Yapok Jr clink their glasses together.] The Famous Scott and Yapok Jr: To the war room! GJanson: Huh? The Famous Scott: Oh, sorry... thought you were proposing a toast. GJanson: Groan. Everybody: *groan* [GJanson pulls the head of a bust of Pallas and presses a button. The bookcase moves out of the way to reveal the ZZTpoles. Everyone slides down the ZZTpoles, which lead to secret airtight suction chutes. They fall into the chutes and slide down 54 floors to the war room, which is in a secret area known as Deep 27, 270 feet below the building. Each of them lands in their own chair around a huge circular table. The table is so big each chair has its own miniature monitor and video camera with extra-tight zoom; the cameras are used to observe the person sitting in the respective chair, and the data is broadcast to each monitor. The cameras are voice-activated so that whenever someone starts talking, the image of that person is automatically viewed. The ZZT/MZXers had obviously taken great preparations for a dangerous situation such as this one. GJanson appears on the 27 monitors as he starts talking.] GJanson: Ahem. Our mission today is to decide what exactly we should do about the invasion of newbies -- T0UCAN: New people. GJanson: New people who have recently arrived in the 27th story. Any suggestions? The Famous Scott: Let's burn 'em!! Yapok Jr: String 'em up! T0UCAN: Discuss our differences in a calm rational manner! Barney9651: Newbies suck! Jmstuckman: Annoy those stupid newbies! The Famous Scott: Look who's talking. Jmstuckman: Hey! ZZTOmega: Let's order Chinese food! Yapok Jr: I'll have the moshu [sic] pork! The Famous Scott [singing]: Potstickers, potstickers, moshu [sic] pork. You eat it with chopsticks, not with a fork. ZZT Zed: You stole that from Weird Science! The Famous Scott: I didn't steal it! I'm just singing it! Yapok Jr: My god... it's full of stars. CLAbles: What?! GJanson: Order in the war room! The Famous Scott: Riffraff in the zoo! Riffraff in the zoo! GJanson: Order! Order! ORDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yapok Jr: Ow! My eyelid! Typo Ink: MAJJ, I'll give you until the count of three to stop licking your eyebrows. The Famous Scott: Count slowly. [GJanson blinks. Everyone snaps to attention.] GJanson: Look, it's obviously we'll never agree on one thing, so let's just get out there and do something! [The crowd goes wild. Hehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! They all run back to the chutes, feeling slightly disappointed that they didn't get to mess with all the gizmos in the war room, and fly up the chutes back to the 27th floor.] ZZTOmega: Um... what are we supposed to do now? The Famous Scott: I forgot. [Strong winds start rising, blowing The Famous Scott, ZZTOmega, and the rest of the ZZT/MZXers apart. Barney9651 walks through the door.] The Famous Scott [blocking his face from the flying debris]: Barney, what the @#$% are you doing? Barney9651: Walking through the door! [with an evil look in her eye] I have something to say. [A bright light surrounds her.] [Barney steps forward, and takes a deep breath.] Some guy: Barney, DON'T SAY IT.... Barney9651 [with a demonic voice]: NEWBIES SUCK! [Suddenly dozens of voices cry out in terror. There is widespread panic on the 27th floor. Thus beginning a new era... the dark posts.] -- >Ow! My eyelid! ---------- Episode 9 "The Middle" ---------- [The dust settles. Barney9651 stands there, waiting for insults.] ZZTOmega: Hey, shut up, punk! Watch what you say about newbies! The Famous Scott [getting off the ground]: Why don't you watch what YOU say about BARNEY! [By now, a big fight has started in ZZT Central. Insults are going everywhere. Everyone is yelling.] CLAbles: Well, it looks like the line has been drawn. We don't want you in the ZED-OMEGA room again. Bobo245: Yeah, And you guys stay off our territory! T0UCAN: You wish! We go where we want! [The ZED-OMEGA group turn around and marches out of the room.] The Famous Scott: Yeah, and stay out! [He turns around and gives his friends a high five. The ZED-OMEGA group arrive in their room.] ZZT Zed [walks in last and slams the door]: What a jerk! Who does she think she is, going around and saying newbies suck? ZZTOmega: Yeah, she was a newbie once. Same with the rest of 'em. Newbies to a bunch of things. Life, AOL, ZZT..... Bobo245 [opens the door]: Shut up! Whine whine whine! [The rest of the group is behind him and they all start laughing. He slams the door. You can hear them running down the hall.] Jmstuckman: Wow! Real mature Bobo! [He throws a pillow at the door. Back at ZZT Central.] The Famous Scott: BWAHAHAHA!! We got 'em that time! [he slaps his knee.] Barney9651: Darn right we did! Oh man, that was sooooo funny! [They all stop laughing, realizing that it was pretty dumb.] Bobo245: Well, it was pretty funny I think. [They all start laughing again. Back at the ZEDOMEGA room:] Jmstuckman: There, these signs should work out just perfect! [The ZOP crew reads the sign. It says "WANTED: Barney9651 for being a $#$#@#@!"] ZZTOmega: Nice sign! [Jm walks out of the room and posts the signs on the walls.] T0UCAN: Jm was telling me earlier how he thinks Barney is scum! I agree with him 100%! [The ZOP crew agrees with T0UCAN.] ZZTOmega: Me and Jm were going to make a game that you bash Barney9651. That will be cool. CLAbles: Yeah, it would be pretty cool! T0UCAN: Hey, let's go find Barney and harass her (not in an obscene way). -- >Shut up! Whine whine whine! ---------- Episode 10 "The End" ---------- [They go to the MegaZeux room.] Barney9651: What's brown and sounds like a bell? ::dung!:: ha ha. I know you're all laughing on the inside. ZZTOmega: You suck Barney CLAbles: Tell me, Barney, how does one person go about being so uncouth? Barney9651: Ok, CLAbles, it was supposed to be a corny stupid joke. My "ha ha., etc." was sarcasm. Because I knew it was stupid. Duh. Fools. RobertCane: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! You said uncouth!!!! T0UCAN: Dung, of course. Was that from Monty Python? Barney9651: HA! See, T0UCAN (the only "newbie" - but not any more - to make a real actual game) gets it! So if you call me uncouth, you call him uncouth. ZZTOmega: I've just about had it with you Barney.You suck @$$. Any person with common sense and a brain(no,you don't apply Barney)can learn ZZT in less than 3 months enough to make a good game. Yapok Jr: Curse you fetid calligraphy pens (ie; ZZT Omega and the lot)!!! Curse you to some factory filled with stale bran muffins! A pox on your forebears! May mildew grow on your toes! May squinnies (a dumb camp nickname for ground squirrels) perch on your bedposts! AARGH! Post two message about dung (both responses) and you get bombarded by a bevy of badgering posts. Get off Barney 9651's case, please! I happened to find her quoth amusing! And here's one of my own. "And now for the dung." That was on a show that I saw in the distant past! Now feel free to attack me! I can handle you! C'mon! I can tear out your throats with my bare teeth! As for the dinosaur, you can all just shut up about it. The Purple Barney is a guy in a dumb suit who acts on a little kids' show that teaches love, learning, and moral values. Sure it's dumb! Sure it's childish! It's supposed to be! If people want to publish programs online that mock, maim, or harass Barney, that's none of my business. Personally, I don't mind a little Barney-mocking, but it can get too far. You have to be a real loser sicko to think that a screen saver depicting Barney's intestines pouring out of his bleeding stomach (example) is funny. I'd like to see kinder behavior towards all Barneys in question. Famous Scott: Yeah Yapok! Stick it to the man! Bobo245: Preach on brother Yapok! Yapok Jr: Bee Fly Ptarmigan hath taught us to love thy brother, thy sister, and thy wacky neighbor, for It be Parent of us all. But heed my words, oh brethren: Our brother, the noble manatee, is unloved. "So What's up, ma brotha?" thou might ask. What's up?! Sleazy motorboaters have turned the peaceful lagoon waters red with the blood of our friend! Curse them! May squinnies reside on their bedposts! We must stop them before they slay our peaceful, lovable pal! Many manatees bear the scars of this torment! There must be no more scars! We must stop the motorboats! Only inflatable innertubes may be allowed on the water! We must save the manatee! Save the manatees! Please save the manatees! Show some compassion! Send him our love! Love the manatee, care for the manatee, and save the manitee! Make haste!" [Spectrum12 runs by each room screaming about his new games.] MAJJSoft: Don't you hate it when somebody says the same thing in every room? ZZTOmega: Really Barney9651: Funny, when I said that, everybody told me to shut up. Weird(ness) world, ain't it? MAJJSoft: Well, I'm just so cool everybody likes me... Actually everybody hates me. Oh well. Spectrum12: Well, excussssseee me! I just wanted to make an announcement, and I made sure everyone heard about it! When you want people to hear about something, that's what you do! Yapok Jr: Why is Matt Williams becoming a celebrity? ZZTOmega: Check out COOLNESS. You'll change your mind about him. Barney9651: Not to start a riot, but Mono has this upcoming "ZZTOmega's Newbie Help" or whatever, right? Just asking, not to get flamed by billions of newbies, oldies, dragons, etc, just wondering, how can he give advice to newbies, if he [technically] still is one? I mean, he hasn't made any games, has he? Again, just wondering. No offense to Omega. Really. Truly. Really. I mean it. Spew. MAJJSoft: I played Coolness and --gasp-- DIDN'T LIKE IT! [laughs psychotically] I don't even like Matt Williams! I'm not a Matt Williams fan! You can't judge a book by its cover! (What I mean by that is: A game can have awesome graphics, but if the gameplay sucks, it's not worth a bucket of warm spit. And vice versa.) Wow. That was profound. ZZTOmega: Is that all you losers can do is make fun of other people and their games? Let's see one of your games MAJJ, I bet it SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Find something better to do OK? Stop bugging other people because you don't like their game. If you don't like it then FINE, but don't post a bunch of messages saying why you hate it. Grow up and get real. FireyDeth1: OH DEE-YA! Mono 10: Is that like Boo-ya? That is a stupid G-expression. Are you a -G-? Barney9651: In defense of MAJJ, ZZTOmega, MAJJ has been here waaaaaaaay bleedin' longer than your have. Respect your elders. He's made TONS of ZZT games. TONS. Try a file search on MAJJSoft. See how many ZZT games come up. PLUS, MZX wise, there's Party On, Oozey, King's Castle 1, and a slew of other crud in the works. I don't see any of your games popping up. Let's take a look at a contradiction in terms in your last post: "Is that all you losers can do is make fun of other people and their games? Let's see one of your games MAJJ, I bet it SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't like it then FINE, but don't post a bunch of messages saying why you hate it. Grow up and get real." Hmm... Isn't this somewhat hypocritical? "losers...make fun of...games....MAJJ, I bet it SUCKS.... Don't post a bunch of messages...why you hate it." (just highlighting the main points). Grow up and get real, yourself. Notice, I made NO slanderous remarks about ANY games by anybody. I did not insult ZZTOmega. I did not call anyone a newbie. I did not say anything untruthful. I JUST pointed out the facts and defended MAJJ. You're welcome. :) P.S. I ain't no G, dawg. :P CLAbles: Yea, ZZTOmega, don't jump on them for saying a games bad, and then say that theirs suck. Also, do try and play sombodys game before you say they suck, or you'll just look stupid again. Yapok Jr: I don't believe in Newbies. This "Don't bug other people about their games/newbie/crap" discussion is boring. It's on the mailing list and on most of the boards. I have nothing enlightening to say on the subject. ZZTOmega isn't a newbie. No-one is a newbie. They don't exist. Beginners exist. People who haven't published a game exist. Yellow border programmers exist. BHirsh clones exist. There is no such thing as a newbie. Oh, and this "Oh yeah, I bet you my game is better than yours" thing is stupid. Kinda funny how when someone's games are criticized, they attack the other person's. I've never played any of ZZTOMEGA's, but I've played of few of Majjsoft's, which ranged from crumby to above average. My games are NOT better than yours. Humble me. Gnat. Gnu. Gnarled. ZZTOmega: YEAH!! Woohoo! You heard it here first, I AIN'T A NEWBIE!! Bobo245: Oh POOT to all of you Mono 10: I'm joining Zed-Omega. Bobo245: Snort ooohh Zed Omega... Mono 10: You'll see... things are planned. Zed-Omega will be killer! MAJJSoft: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Snowm60125: I don't want to start anything, but shutup MAJJ. Zed-Omega's gonna kick butt. And not just their games.............. MAJJSoft: I don't want to start anything, but what in the name of Jumanji is that supposed to mean? What, they're going to run around kicking people's butts? (Melt!) NodnarbQB: arent you only 13? That would explain a lot MAJJSoft: Oh, bite me. For your information Brandon, most of the people who post here are between ages 13 and 16. Apparently you are implying that I'm one of those stupid sicko immature teenagers. I have a few things to say. First, you're wrong. Second, shut up, newbie. And finally, if you have nothing better to do than going around and asking people how old they are, you are even worse than you probably think I am. ZZTOmega [smiling]: Jmstuckman made a mistake MAJJSoft: So what else is new? Jmstuckman: Nothing! Mono 10: Dude, NodnarbQB is NOT a newbie! MAJJSoft: Sure acts like one. ZZTOmega: Watch what you say punk. ASnd I'm getting sick of you pricks making fun of everything. Grow up. If that's the way you act, than that's pretty pathetic. This means you MAJJ, Bobo, Barney and the rest of you. Snow is younger and he acts more mature than you!! NodnarbQB acts like a newbie because he knows your age? You're a jerk, MAJJ. This is BS. Jmstuckman: Snow is more mature?!?! MAJJSoft: Oh, and by the way. He *doesn't* know my age, I'm 12. Barney9651: ZZTOmega, you ARE BS. Let ME recap for YOU, you little mind warped pissant. I don't care about you guys, 'cause, like MAJJ, I'm leaving AOL very soon, probably before the MZX NG gets up (which might be forever). NodnarbQB: "Majj- arent you only 13? That would explain a lot" Etc, etc. MAJJ had the right to make the return comment and all further comments. Who the heck is NodnarbQB anyway? Oooh, really tricky, the backwards "Brandon". So, shut up newbies. Bye bye folks. E-mail me praise, but don't post anything here, because I'm not coming back to read this krudd. ZZT IS BLEEDIN' DEAD!!!!! [laughs like @#$% for a looooong time]. . . . and so on. In the words of the late NL Aric, how do they cram all that gram? And all that other psycho stuff he said when he left. Eat, drink caffeine, and be merry, or something to that effect. I have yet to see ONE ZZT game by the sorry ZOP. Blah blah. Bye bye. ZZTOmega: If you HATE ZZT soooooooo much, THEN KEEP IT TO YOUR FRIGGIN SELF!!!!! We don't wanna here about how much you HATE ZZT. We don't even care that you hate it. So shut up you freakin whiners!! Little babies. Ohhhhh nnnnnnoooooo, he hate ZZT. Oh my god I'm sooooooooo hurt. I feel suicidle now!!!! Oh god! Oh jeeze!! OH SHUTUP!!! Bobo245: We don't HATE ZZT.... We just HATE the pathetic people who try to make pathetic (referring to yellow boards etc) games on it. I like ZZT but I just can't get all the features I want on it. I can list a couple of +'s to have on it... + You can make good games WAY easier on ZZT than MZX. Reason: you don't have to worry about MODS Character editing etc.... + You can have blinking stuff reason: I dunno.. Greg just didn't put it in. + Wayy cool torch feature. reason: you have that spotlight-like feature + More games... Reason MZX isn't that old And the negitive side of ZZT - No cool character editing - Too many cheezie games out there for it - no character switches (Jimmy Smits - ed.) - Almost impossible to have a smooth side scroller - bland sounds Ok... I've listed them... Add or subtract what ever you want Yapok Jr: I've seen a lot of ZZT bashing in my day. All these ZZT IS DEAD messages, along with MZX WILL BE DEAD messages are pessimistic and irritating. Occasionally, I find an OK ZZT game that reminds me of the good ol' days when ZZT was more fun. I don't really like ZZT anymore: it's too restrictive, the games tend to be repetitive, the graphics are lousy. However, ZZT is my friend. Sniff. I will remain hyper-critical of ZED-OMEGA until I see something out of 'em. I hate companies. You burocratic fat cats will never quit arguing in your board meetings, will never cease your paper pushing, and will never produce a game. Down with Capitalism and Democracy and all that jazz. Never mind the previous two sentences. Thanks, I just had a bottle of Fruitopia (Tangerine Wavelength) a minute ago. My nap time isn't till 3:00. MAJJSoft: Is that Fruitopia the one that bends forks? RbdWombat: Some of you old-timer ZZT guys may remember me as Dynamo01. Well, I have decided I would try my luck at ZZT again. But what I need is an update on ZZT News that has happened in the last year. Are there any new ZZT revolutions? (When I left, the side scroller was just starting) Are there any new Super-Tool-Kit Things? RobertCane: DYNAMO! Finally, a non-newbie! Newbies have been breeding around here... this whole Zed-Omega crapfest... ZZTOmega: KISS MY ***!!!!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!!!! T0UCAN: Listen guys, I'm leaving AOL. My bills are too high. Everybody: WHAT?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!? ZZTOmega: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHFKAFNOSNTMAOTHSREYSH Famous: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!! [Everyone is really depressed for four hours. But then...] T0UCAN [holding suitcases]: In case you're wondering why I'm sitting here with not a tear in my eye, it's because I'M NOT LEAVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 (Yes, 1. What'd you think, it was supposed to be an EXCLAMATION MARK?!) Everybody: Yay!!!!!!!! [It may not seem like much, but this event will have a long-lasting effect on the ZZT/MZXers. They decide to be better people, not insult anyone, and live in peace and harmony. Yeah, sure. Let's see how long *that* lasts.] -- >HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! You said uncouth!!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Collection Two ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- _____ The / ___/____ _____ _____ _ \__ \/ __ `/ __ `/ __ `/ ___/ / /_/ / /_/ / /_/ / /____/\__,_/\__, /\__,_/ /____/ of the ZZT/MegaZeuxers Collection Two "The New Beginning (but isn't being new the whole point of a beginning?)" Created and edited by Scott Hammack 0 "Peas on Earth" S. Hammack 6742.27 "Weird(ness) World, Isn't It?" S. Hammack 2 "Licey Head Cheese" W. Gutierrez 3 "Plot Device" V. 9CyberKid 4 "Use the Net, Luke" S. Hammack 5 "Doo bee doo bee doo" S. Hammack 6 "Legion of Doom" S. Hammack 7 "Writer's Block" S. Hammack 8 "T0UCAN Saves the Whales and Doesn't Find a Nice Restaurant" S. Hammack 9 "Oh Sure, NOW He Finds a Nice Restaurant" S. Hammack 10 "You're Looking a Little Pail" S. Hammack ---------- Episode 0 "Peas on Earth" ---------- [Now a quick recap of what's been happening to our friends on the 27th floor. First, the Universe was created and the ZZT/MegaZeux rooms were built on the 27th floor of the America Online building. A really annoying newbie named Bhirsch3 invaded, but was killed by his own brother. The Weazle died and the Zed/Omega Productions people wandered around. The Famous Scott threw a weird party. Soon the whole crew went to the 27th Annual ZZT and MegaZeux Conventio-Con, where GJanson was almost assassinated. Then came the dark posts, in which a horde of newbies arrived, Barney9651 insulted them, a bunch of people started insulting Barney9651, and the result was chaos. T0UCAN announced that he was leaving, but four hours later he returned. The other ZZT/MZXers were deeply affected by all this. They have decided to be better people, not insult anyone, and live in peace for the rest of their natural (or unnatural) lives.] CLAbles [kneeling on the ground, staring at a flower]: Wow, what a beautiful flower. ZZTOmega: Ooh! Look at that pistil! Barney9651: The pinnacle of beauty and form. The Famous Scott: I'd go so far as to say it is the epitome of perfection! Jmstuckman: Oh, do you dare? [They all stare at the flower for a while, "ooh"ing and "ahh"ing.] KRohleder2: Oh, look... a busy little bumblebee. [The bee flies out and stings ZZTOmega.] ZZTOmega: OW! @#$%ing bee! I'll smash your guts out!! The Famous Scott: Now, Omega, remember to discuss your differences in a calm, rational... [The bee stings the Famous Scott.] The Famous Scott: OW! Oh, who am I kidding, this bites! [He and ZZTOmega grab rolled-up newspapers and start chasing the bee.] KRohleder: Hmm, maybe they're right. Jmstuckman: ZZTOmega is always right! He's my boss! Snowm: Shut up, yes-man! But he *is* right. T0UCAN: Yeah! Let's go kill something! [Everybody cheers and runs after ZZTOmega and the Famous Scott, waving rolled-up newspapers. GJanson watches from his secret hideout way down in Deep 27. He has secret cameras all over the building, and is watching a huge grid made dozens of TV screens. Right now his attention is focused on screen #42, which shows the field behind the building. The ZZT/MZXers are all running around carrying what looks like rolled-up newspapers. GJanson turns away. Nearby sits a large cage full of flying monkeys. He walks over to the cage, enters an identification code into a small box on the cage, and steps away. The cage opens and dozens of flying monkeys fly out. They go into the flying monkey chute, which goes through every room in the building, and outside. The flying monkeys fly out of the outside chute towards the ZZT/MZXers.] GJanson: Fly, monkeys, fly! Nyahahahahahaha! [Meanwhile, outside, dozens of flying monkeys fly out of a previously unnoticed hole in the side of the America Online building.] The Famous Scott: Oh no! It's the Terms of Service staff! T0UCAN: No, even worse! GJanson sent out his flying monkeys (not meant in an obscene way)! KRohleder2: What should we do?! ZZTOmega: Whack 'em! T0UCAN: Also not meant in an obscene way! [The ZZT/MZXers run toward the flying monkeys, which are flying toward the ZZT/MZXers. The ZZT/MZXers, armed with their rolled-up newspapers, start whacking the flying monkeys. The monkeys are biting, kicking, and scratching. One of them bites Barney9651. Some of the ZZT/MZXers are grabbed by the soaring simian antagonists and carried to GJanson's secret hideout. The ZZT/MZXers put up a good fight, but as more and more of them are taken to GJanson's hideout, their defenses go down and eventually they all end up in the hideout. They lie cut up, bruised and bleeding on the cold tile floor of the hideout. GJanson comes toward them with a very strange smile on his face. At this exact moment, something strange and completely unexplainable happens. The sky turns purple and is sucked into itself, and the America Online building dismounts from the ground and flies into a black hole. The last things that can be heard from within are T0UCAN screaming "Chumble fuzz!" and ZZT Zed yelling "Spuzz! Spuzz!" Before this argument can be resolved, the building and everyone inside suddenly explode into a fine mist of molecules. These molecules fly all over the universe until they all eventually end up in one point in space, which just happens to be in a parallel dimension... a dimension of weirdness.] -- >Ooh! Look at that pistil! ------------- Episode 6742.27 "Weird(ness) World, Isn't It?" ------------- [The molecules all came together and miraculously arranged themselves in the exact same pattern as they were at first.] ZZTOmega: Where are we? Barney9651: The same place we were... I think. ZZTOmega: Not in the building! CLAbles: Yes we are. ZZTOmega: Arrgh! I mean where are we in the Universe? CLAbles: Oh. T0UCAN: Maybe we're... somewhere we weren't before. Chumble fuzz! ZZT Zed: Spuzz! Spuzz! TFV: Why did a pot of petunias just fall past the window? GJanson: It doesn't matter! You have acted stupid! Now you all must DIE!! The Famous Scott: That's um, pretty strict, don't you think? GJanson [roars] [Suddenly GJanson turns into a TV showing his face.] The Famous Scott: Whoa! Didn't see that coming. Yapok Jr: Ow! My eyelid! GJanson: Aargh! Shut up before I lose my temper. ZZTOmega: Ooh, what are you going to do? TV-boy, TV-boy, woo woo TV-boy! Nyah! GJanson: Why you little! ZZTOmega: Why don't you come do something about it? GJanson: Yeah well I would, except I'm stuck in this TV and I really don't FEEL like it, but you can bet if I did, you know, I might just take your butt and wrap it around your head and give you another pair of shoulders! I'm not that big of a guy but I'll crawl ya! ZZTOmega: Oh. You'll crawl me, eh? Well, one attack with MY flying monkeys and -- T0UCAN: Guys! Guys! Calm down! ZZT Zed: Oh, no. I think he's going to say "calm, rational manner." T0UCAN: No I'm not. Um... why can't we discuss our differences in... um... a calm, rational way! There! ZZT Zed: It's the same thing! T0UCAN: No it's not! Chumble fuzz! ZZT Zed: Spuzz! Spuzz! GJanson: Shut up!! ZZT Zed: You shut up! Let me tell you something, I'm really sick of taking this from you! You're not my boss, or anybody's boss! I'm not even a MegaZeuxer! So just mind your own freaking business! GJanson: I'll have you hanged for that! ZZT Zed: Ooh, like that'll really stop me. GJanson: Sailor Moon!! [Suddenly Sailor Moon flies in the window and boots ZZT Zed across the room.] Sailor Moon: Take that, meatloaf-head! ZZT Zed: Stop calling me meatloaf-head! Tody: Meat Loaf? Busta Rhymes: Yaw yaw yaw yaw yaw! Yaw yaw yaw yaw yaw! ZZT Zed: Where'd he come from? Meat Loaf: I would do anything for lunch, I would do anything for lunch, I would do anything for lunch, but I won't chew fat. RobertCane: Crudderoo! Another one! The Famous Scott: This must be... A DIMENSION!!! OF!!! WEIRDNESS!!! (weirdness, weirdness, weirdness...) [Al Bundy pushes a lever. Suddenly the entire universe swirls around, splashing into itself, as eddies tear through the fabric of the space-time continuum. Space itself rips apart, translucent beings fly through the proverbial (but in reality nonexistent) air. The universe holds its breath as dinosaurs, the Titanic and pay toilets are regurgitated through the thousands of time wormholes that are somehow popping up in space instead of time. Everything in the universe converts to binary for a period of .42 nanoseconds. The whole of creation is being flushed. The America Online building explodes, and everyone there is thrown out into space. The bricks and pieces of the building, as well as its inhabitants and everything else in the universe, swirl toward the very center of creation itself. As they approach, those of them that are still in one piece can see a huge empty void in the middle of a swirling miasma of scintillating thoughts and ideas, and frankly everything else in the space-time continuum. Creation swirls toward the void, and everything is sucked into it. For a very long ten seconds there is nothing. Suddenly there is an enormous explosion, about half the size of infiniti, and everything that was just sucked into the void explodes back out. The universe is being recreated. Everything goes back to exactly the way it was except that the America Online building is now in its original dimension instead of the dimension of weirdness. So you could say everything is normal.] -- >You have acted stupid! Now you all must DIE! ---------- Episode 2 "Licey Head Cheese" ---------- [Written by 'The eSTRANGEd Moe'. Please don't laugh. I don't laugh at your name. What? Boisterous Burt? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!] [Scene 1:So far it has come to the day, the day when young Tuk-Tuk will come of age. Uh, sorry. Wrong Cue Cards. It has come to the day when the great ZZT/MZX Gala Awards will start. The ZZT/MZX Gala Awards, of course, are when the ZZT/MZXers gather around, (Not many of them, I'm afraid.) and keep themselves awake long enough to hear the words: "And the Greatest ZZT/MZX Game is.....". All of the ZZT/MZXers are beginning to prepare for this wonderful event.] ZZT Zed: You know, Greg, it really would help if you prepared for the ZZT/MZX Gala Awards weeks before instead of an hour before the show starts. GJanson: SHUT UP! I'M TRYING TO THINK! WHAT'S THE CRAPPIEST GAME YOU'VE EVER PLAYED????? ZZT Zed: ZZTeam? GJanson: THAT DOESN'T COUNT! IT'S A MAGAZINE! [The doorbell rings.] GJanson: Hey! That must be the Chinese Takeout I ordered! [GJanson answers the doorbell, and comes back with several Chinese dishes, which he plunks on the table. He then walks up to the worn and rather beat-up podium.] GJanson: Ahem. Crowd: Blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah..... GJanson: Ahem. Crowd: Blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah..... GJanson: ..... [GJanson blinks, and by some freak accident in probability, an airliner crashes, the ENTIRE nation of Zimbabwe drops dead, and Mr. Porter of Seattle develops an ingrown toenail.] GJanson: ..... Crowd: ..... GJanson: Right-o! The ZZT/MZX Gala will start in a few minutes! If there are any objections, speak now or forever hold your peace! Jmstuckman: I HAVE TO TIE MY SHOELACE! [The crowd stops talking. Crickets are heard chirping. Jmstuckman starts to tie his shoelaces. Typo Ink walks in, munching on a bagel.] Typo Ink: Hey everybody, they're selling bagels in Lobby 244, and..... WOW! Pork Lo Mein! [Typo Ink attaches himself to the Chinese Food Table and starts eating. Jmstuckman finishes tying his shoelace.] Jmstuckman: Okay, AOL? ARE YOU READY TO ROCK????? Crowd: Yeah. Jmstuckman: I SAID, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK????? Crowd: YEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jmstuckman: I STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!!! T0UCAN: Try taking out the earplugs. That would help. Jmstuckman: Oh yeah. Jmstuckman: The Gala Awards will kick off with the category: Jmstuckman: Most unique toilets. Jmstuckman: The nominees are: Jmstuckman: A.Code Red Jmstuckman: B.Engine Jmstuckman: C.Yoshi's Island. Jmstuckman: And the winner is..... Jmstuckman: YOSHI'S ISLAND! T0UCAN, COME ON UP!!!!! [The background music kicks off with the insanely popular 70's song "Stayin' Alive," and T0UCAN comes up and pulls off some extremely hard dance moves.] Crowd: Yeah! You're cooking T0UCAN! Testify! T0UCAN: Wow, they like me! [Keeps on dancing.] T0UCAN: This is so touching! I'm actually appreciated! Maybe I should take up a job as a dance artist! GJanson: Ahem. T0UCAN: Wow! I haven't done this in months! GJanson: ..... [GJanson stands poised to blink. T0UCAN stops reluctantly.] GJanson: Collect your award. [GJanson hands T0UCAN a small Oscar-like figurine.] GJanson: Yoshi's Island Part I and ][ are especially known for their unique toilets, such as the Aardvark Toilet, the Smiley Toilet, and the Fish Toilet. [T0UCAN examines the Award.] T0UCAN: You know, it usually isn't CONVENTIONal to make the statue anatomically correct... [T0UCAN hops off the stage and over to the corner of the room where ZZTOmega and CLAbles are busy preparing Helios' "Slimed" for the next award.] [E Creator2 walks in.] E Creator 2: Hey everybody, I heard that "Slimed" was nominated for the most .pal, and .chr files ever, and, Wow! Pork Lo Mein! Can I have some? Typo Ink [Still at the table.]: No. [Hunches protectively over the Chinese food.] E Creator2 [Looks at CLAbles, T0UCAN, and ZZTOmega]: Hey! What are you doing with my personal copy of "Slimed"? Yapok Jr: Look, everyone! He's holding a copy of Flik 3,999,987,563! Crowd: Let's get him! E Creator 2: EEEP!!!! [The crowd rushes out after E Creator2.] E Creator2 [running]: I'M TELLING YOU, I DON'T HAVE ANY GLAZED BAGELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Famous Scott: Yeah, right! That's what they all say! GJanson: Gee, what was that all about? [GJanson looks to the corner where T0UCAN is standing idly, and ZZTOmega is trying to restrain CLAbles from the copy of "Slimed".] GJanson: SHRIEK! WHAT ARE YOU THREE DOING WITH "SLIMED"????? ZZTOmega: We're trying to get 'Slimed' to do the polka, what does it look like we're trying to do? CLAbles: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! BURN!!!!!! ZZTOmega: Oh, great. T0UCAN, restrain him while I get "Slimed" away from him. Why did you give him the match anyway? T0UCAN: I didn't know this would happen! He said all he wanted to do was burn his nose-hairs off! ZZTOmega: Whatever. [CLAbles breaks free of ZZTOmega's hold and rushes toward "Slimed". He sets it on fire. Surprisingly, .pal, and .chr files are especially flammable. There is nothing left of "Slimed" after about ten seconds.] ZZTOmega: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! GJanson: Oh, now you've done it. CLAbles: I think I'll burn my nose-hairs off now. CLAbles: OOOOOWWWW!!!!!! T0UCAN: Uh, sorry. [The crowd walks in with a tarred and feathered E Creator2.] E Creator2: WHAT DID YOU DO WITH "SLIMED"????? GJanson: Don't look at me! E Creator2: I know! We can just get an old copy from the 'Helios Entertainment' Booth! GJanson: Yeah. And guess who's gonna be the lackeys? T0UCAN: Gulp. ZZTOmega: Gulp. CLAbles: NEVER TRY TO BURN YOUR NOSE-HAIRS OFF! [Scene 2:The ZED-OMEGA Productions Booth. E Creator2 stands at a computer terminal. A huge alien ship stands, held up with harnesses. A crowd witnesses the whole thing.] E Creator2: Right. You see that big alien ship? T0UCAN [sarcastically]: No, what big alien ship? There's about ten in the room. E Creator2: Haha. Now, then, Snowm60125, do you think you can shoot that can off? The can sitting on the big alien ship? Snowm60125: No. E Creator2: ZZTOmega? ZZTOmega: Uh, yeah. E Creator2: Try it. ZZTOmega: Sure. [Scene 3:A small white ceilinged room.] Voice: And now then, T0UCAN, will you tell us why the dialogue is so boring, and monotonous at this point in the story? T0UCAN: No. Find out yourself. You don't always get what you want. [Back to the ZED-OMEGA Productions Booth. ZZTOmega fires off his gun. The bullet ricochets off the ship and the computer terminal, and barely shaves GJanson's foot.] GJanson: HEY, WATCH IT!!!!! E Creator2: And do you know why you could not shoot that Coke can off the alien ship? ZZTOmega: Don't ask me, you're the rocket scientist. E Creator2: Sigh. [E Creator2 presses a few buttons, and lowers the force field.] E Creator2: Try it now. [ZZTOmega fires a second bullet, barely misses the can, and hits the engine. The engine blows up, the ship is annihilated, and the crowd covers their faces from flying shrapnel.] ZZTOmega: I DIDN'T SAY I HAVE GOOD AIM!!!! E Creator2: Well, that's it. I guess you three'll have to walk to the Helios booth. [Scene 4:ZZTOmega, T0UCAN, Snowm60125, and The Famous Scott are standing inside the Helios booth. Several E's, O's, and the L in "Helios Entertainment" have fallen off the sign, and the sign itself is slightly tilted, so it looks like a certain word.] Snowm60125: Eeeww..... A bad word! ZZTOmega: Cover your eyes, Snowm! [The Famous Scott prods around.] The Famous Scott: Wow! MZXtra 4! Licey Head Cheese! T0UCAN: Stop fooling around! Gimme that! [T0UCAN swipes MZXtra 4.] T0UCAN: Wow! You're right! Licey Head Cheese! [ZZTOmega prods around the piles of ZZT and MegaZeux games.] ZZTOmega: Hey, guys, here it is! Slimed! Come on, let's get back to the ConventioCon. [They make their way through the old 'Helios' junk yard.] Noise: SKEEE-BLOOORT! T0UCAN: Wait! Do you hear that noise? ZZTOmega: What noise? The one going "SKEEE-BLOOORT!"? T0UCAN: Yeah! ZZTOmega: I have no idea what you're talking about. [The four make their way around another stockpile of MZXtra, and around a bend. They make their way toward the exit.] ZZTOmega: Why do I sense the feeling that something strange is going to happen? The Famous Scott: Could it be the ominous background music? ZZTOmega: STOP THAT, SNOWM, OR YOU'RE FIRED! Snowm60125: Sorry. [Snowm60125 stops going 'Bum, ba, bum, bum.'] [Suddenly a HUGE monster leaps in front of the exit!] T0UCAN: AAAAAAHHHH!!!! WHAT IS THAT????? The Famous Scott: It's a hideously mutated newbie! T0UCAN: Hey, how did you know that? The Famous Scott: Lucky guess? Hideously Mutated Newbie: Aaarglblarglekumbleflupbutter!..... ZZTOmega: Want a breath mint? [Suddenly, as soon as the Hideously Mutated Newbie Came, the Hideously Mutated Newbie Drops dead, with his tongue hanging out.] Hideously Mutated Newbie: ..... [The four huddle around the Hideously Mutated Newbie.] The Famous Scott: Careful! It's still alive! It's even chanting stupid questions! Hideously Mutated Newbie: Why am I so dashingly handsome? [The four sling the newbie over their shoulders, and make their way toward the ZED-OMEGA Productions Booth.] [Scene 5:Back at the ZED-OMEGA Productions booth.] ZZTOmega: I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY! YOU ARE NOT DISSECTING THAT NEWBIE! ZZT Zed: Yeah, Snowm, you're too young! Snowm60125: No, I'm not! T0UCAN: Just let him. Must be the hormones. Snowm60125: What are hormones? The Famous Scott: When you're older, Snowm, when you're older. [GJanson helps Snowm60125 into a surgeon's outfit.] GJanson: The best of luck to you, sir. You were a good man, er, kid. [Snowm60125 steps into the special operation room, where a couple of nurses wait on him.] Snowm60125: SCALPEL! [Nurse hands him a scalpel.] Snowm60125: PLIERS! [Nurse hands him some pliers.] Snowm60125: SPONGE BATH! [Nurse looks at him.] Snowm60125: Just kidding. Heh heh. (It was worth a shot.) [Snowm60125 splits the newbie from top to bottom.] Snowm60125: Now here comes the really icky part.... [Snowm60125 pokes around and manages to let loose some purple flesh and stuff. He removes some stuff and reattaches nerves and muscle.] Assistant Doctor: Well, Snowm, you may not realize it, but you just reattached the newbie's brain and spinal nerves to its pelvis. Now the newbie will attack people with its hips. Snowm60125: Oops. Well, how many 9 year olds do you see doing complicated surgery? Nurse: LOOK! THE EYE IS MOVING! Snowm60125: Oh, well, I think I'll just stand here blankly until the newbie gets off the operation table and swallows us all whole. [The Hideously Mutated Newbie leaps off the operation table and stands still for a few moments. He then gets up, coughs up some chunks of yellow normal border, and then starts to attack the nurses and the doctors with his hips.] Nurse: AAAAHHH!!!! Assistant Doctor: AAAAHHH!!!! Snowm60125: AAAAHHH!!!!! ICE CREAM HEADACHE!!!!! [The Hideously Mutated Newbie grabs Snowm60125, and starts chewing on him.] Snowm60125: AAAAAHHH!!!! IT'S CHEWING ON MY GROIN!!!!!! [Meanwhile, the crowd watches the whole operation.] ZZTOmega: GJanson, is this glass bulletproof? GJanson: Yes. ZZTOmega: D'oh! I was going to do this incredible stunt where I gun down the glass, swing through on an electrical wire, grab Snowm60125, and then successfully crush the Hideously Mutated Newbie. BUT NO! YOU HAD TO RUIN MY PLANS! T0UCAN: Don't you think we should do something? He keeps on saying 'IT'S CHEWING ON MY GROIN!' E Creator2: I KNOW! USE THIS SPECIAL CHEWING GUM OF MINE! T0UCAN: What's so special about it? E Creator2: See? [E Creator2 folds the Red half over the Green Half.] E Creator2: See? You just fold the red half over the green half, and you have five seconds before you.... EEEAAARRRGGGHHH!!! [The Chewing Gum Explodes in E Creator2's face.] T0UCAN: Got it. [Our hero, I mean, T0UCAN grabs the Chewing Gum, and folds the Red Half over the Green Half. He then pastes it on to the window, and runs away. The window then splits in half, and the glass falls on top of the Hideously Mutated Newbie, thereby crushing him.] ZZTOmega: *Sniff!* Poor Snowm! We hardly knew ye! His last words were "AAAHHH!!! IT'S STILL CHEWING ON MY GROIN!!!". Snowm60125: I'm not dead yet. The Famous Scott: Yes you are! Snowm60125: I'm not dead yet. I'm getting better. [The Crowd hauls Snowm60125 out from underneath the glass.] The Famous Scott: Do you have any bagels? Snowm60125: Uh, no. The Famous Scott: Screw you! [The Famous Scott drops Snowm60125.] Crowd: REJOICE! SNOWM60125 IS ALIVE AND LIVING!!!!! Crowd: Yay. [Scene 6:(LAST SCENE, I PROMISE!)Back in the ConventioCon Room.] GJanson: And the greatest ZZT/MZX Game of all time is..... [The crowd waits intensely.] GJanson: is.... WAIT! I HAVE AN EYELASH IN MY EYE! BE RIGHT BACK! [GJanson rushes into the bathroom briefly, and then comes back out again.] GJanson: And the greatest ZZT/MZX Game of all time is..... [Suddenly there is a bang and a flash! A strange hooded figure appears.] GJanson: NOOOO!!!! WHY ARE MY SPEECHES ALWAYS INTERRUPTED AT CRITICAL POINTS????? WHY? WHY? [GJanson runs into the corner of the room and starts chanting gibberish.] Crowd: Who are you? Death: I..... AM..... DEATH..... Crowd: GASP! Death: IS..... THERE..... A..... PERSON..... NAMED..... JAKE..... EARNINGS..... IN..... HERE?..... Crowd: Uh, no. Death: Woops! Sorry for the inconvenience! Well, gotta go! There's malarial patients to kill off, and bums to put out of misery..... [Death disappears with another bang and a flash. GJanson gets up, and brushes himself off. He marches toward the podium, and....] GJanson: And the greatest ZZT/MZX Game of all time is..... Crowd: .... [The eSTRANGEd Moe is extremely sorry, but all of this fun chaos will come to an end. What's the greatest ZZT/MZX Game of all time? I don't know. Use your imagination! That's the power of positive thinking! -The eSTRANGEd Moe] [Editor's note: Now stay tuned for V9CyberKid's episode. A lot of it is just completely pointless, but you have to read it because it reveals the plot for episodes to come.] -- >Aaarglblarglekumbleflupbutter! ---------- Episode 3 "Plot Device" ---------- [In the MAJJ room...] Everyone: Blah Blah Blah... The Famous Scott: Hoo-boy. I'm bored out of my skull. [A newbie sneaks into the room and hides in the closet.] T0UCAN: Did you hear something? CLAbles: Naw, but I smelt somethin'... [The Weazle enters.] CLABLES: IT WAS YOU I SMELT! YOU SMELL LIKE... The Weazle: Septic stuff? CLAbles: Exactly. T0UCAN: I was SURE I heard something. [The newbie peeks out of the closet.] The Weazle: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! IT'S A NEEEEEEEEEEEEE... [The Weazle is so scared at the sight of the newbie that he jumps out the 27th story window. He hits dozens of lamp posts on his way down. He falls unconscious on the road. The guy who paints the lines on the road paints his face.] Crono82082: What was so scary that made him fall? Snowm: What's a NEEEEEEEEEEEEEE? V9CyberKid: Hmmm... Ne... Nef... New... Newa... Newark... Newb... Newbie... GJanson: NEWBIE? WHERE? Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! GJanson: FIND THE NEWBIE! KILL 'EM! BURN 'EM! CHOP 'EM UP! V9CyberKid: Nevada... New Car... NeoGeo... The Famous Scott: Hey, maybe he's in the fridge? Typo Ink: Gimme a break! Barney9561: I always find stuff in the fridge. Typo Ink: Wait a minute! Didn't this happen before? The Famous Scott: I dunno. Typo Ink: I'll check. [Typo Ink opens the fridge. BHirsch3's bloody head is in there, staring at him. Then... It speaks...] BHirsch3: hi my nmae sblilo hirschd adns i cans... Typo Ink: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! IIIIIIII...iiiiiit's him! BHIRSCH3! [GJanson picks up BHirsch3's head and throws it on the floor. It splatters. The Famous Scott looks in the head. No brain was in it, only a prune.] [The next day, GJanson and The Famous Scott call an emergency meeting.] The Famous Scott: Err... what's An Emergency Meeting's number? GJanson: I'll do it... WAit a minute! Wrong type of call! The Famous Scott: Oh yeah. AAAANNNN EEEEMMMMEEEERRRRGGGGAAAANNNNCCCCYYYY MMMEEETTTIIINNNGGG!!! WWWHHHEEERRREEE AAARRREEE YYYOOOUUU??? GJanson: No... [GJanson summons everybody to the MAJJ room. No one notices the button is being uninstalled] GJanson: *AHEM* To start this meeting off, I'm not making any more versions of MZX. 2.50 is IT! RobertCane: GASP! EmporerP: WWWHHHAAATTT??? EvanDarrow: So what? All: AAAAAHHHHH!!!! It's EVAN DARROW! Snowm: Who's Evan Darrow? Jmstuckman: I dunno. Spider124: It was before your time. V9CyberKid: Necromancer...Nueral Surgeon... Nerbagoogalala ... Jmstuckman: He's all of THAT? He sound more scary than *I* am annoying. I *am* annoying. I am *annoying*... Snowm: I'm scared! The Famous Scott: Naah... V9 has been doin' that since The Weazle fell out the window. Again.(For the second time, which means he fell out 3 times) Darrow uploaded ZZT to AOL, and... EvanDarrow: Uploaded many terrific games that are much better than yours! Crono82082: Um... Actually... They sucked. EvenDarrow: SO DO YOU! Eh... AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! [Monthigos has Darrow by the throat. E Creator2 is holding a gun at Darrow's chest.] Monthigos: Nice to see ya again, Dumbo. EvanDarrow: THAT'S DARROW! ROLEPLAY.ZZT IS BETTER THAN SIVION! YOU... E Creator2: Shut your mouth, before I shut it for ya. EvanDarrow: Shut up, you slimeball! E Creator2: You are in NO position to give threats, dumbo. EvanDarrow: RELEASE ME, SCUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [E Creator2 fires the gun. Evan Darrow falls dead, a dead ghost...] E Creator2: Oops... It was only an accident. Mothigos: So what? Not like anything important was hit. E Creator2: You gotta point there. Mothigos: Well... Let's make like a bananna. [They fade out... Everyone runs up to Greg and threatens to kill him if he doesn't make another version of MZX] GJanson: Sorry... Lost... Robot... Source... Code... Owcp: DIE sleaze! Famous Scott: I thought he lost the Robot Editor source code. [GJanson flies over everyone, and lands head first in the trash can. He pushes his secret "REVERSE" button and flies backwards, on the stage. He tosses the Famous Scott in the trash. Crono82082 helps him out.] V9CyberKid: New Kids on the Block... Never Ending Story...Net...Netted... GJanson: Someone smack him. Bobo245: Ok dude guy! [The Famous Scott beats Bobo245 to smacking V9CyberKid. Bobo245 smacks The Famous Scott. V9CyberKid smacks GJanson. Violence breaks out.] Everyone: OOOOWWWWW!!!!! GJanson: NOW, NO ONE CAN LEAVE THIS ROOM! The Famous Scott: Huh? GJanson: The newbies have invaded. ALL ZZT/MZXERS that are NOT newbies must STAY HERE to PROTECT themselves from the NEWBIES. Also to have a BIG PARTY. ZZTOmega: MY ROOM! THE ZED OMEGA ROOM! GJanson: It's been raided. ALL the other rooms have been, too. [Large ruckus outside] GJANSON: THEY'RE COMING! MAJJ, LOCK THE DOOR! Famous Scott: Lock the door? What about the button? GJanson: Err... we removed the button. Anyway, use the door in the back to get to the Library. [Note: The library, never mentioned in the Saga before, is actually where all the ZZT/MZX games are uploaded... The Weazle climbs through the window] The Weazle: I... I... I'M BAAAAAACK! GJanson: I'm passing out Security Keys for the Door. [GJanson hands out keys. The newbie disguises himself in one of the Famous Scott's many armed jackets, an Elvis wig... and make-up. GJanson gives the newbie a key.] Newbie: Muwahahaha! I HAVE THE POWER! I CAN FEEL IT! RobertCane: Crudderoo! It's a newbie! CLAbles: I AM NOT A NEWBIE! T0UCAN: I'M NOT A NEWBIE! RobertCane: I meant... HIM! All: NEWBIE! [The Famous Scott produces a hand grenade from his jacket. The Terrible Newbie produces a machine gun from the stolen jacket. The Famous Scott tosses the hand grenade, and the Machine gun blows up.] Newbie: I'LL BE BACK. GJANSON: GGEETT HHIIMM!! [The newbie runs out. The Famous Scott throws another pineapple, except it hits the solid steel wall.] Famous Scott: D'oh! GJanson: He has a key! WE'RE RUINED!!! Yapok Jr: And I just let my yaks out... HEY! T0UCAN: What? Yapok Jr: They got away. ZZT Zed: That sucks. V9CyberKid: DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!!! I SENSE IT RIGHT OUTSIDE THE... [He's caught in mid sentence. The door explodes, and the witch PC Sylva stands outside, with millions of newbies.] The Famous Scott: Aaaaah! It's the Dragon Lady! Cheese it! Newbie: There they are! There are the meanies who won't let us play on here! PC Sylva(Cackling): Sooo... you all... You all must DIE! PC Sylva: *ONLY* NEWBIES SHALL BE ALLOWED IN THE HIRSCHSOFT ROOM, AS WELL AS ALL THE ZZT/MZX ROOMS! The Famous Scott: HIRSCHSOFT? You gotta be kiddin, crazy woman. PC Sylva: But I'm not. [PC Sylva zaps The Famous Scott, GJanson, then everybody else, except CLAbles and T0UCAN.] T0UCAN: Why didn't you zap us, witch? CLAbles: Yeah, why? PC Sylva: Because newbies are allowed in here. T0UCAN&CLAbles: WHAT?!? AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHH!!!! [T0UCAN and CLAbles are zapped.] Voices: muuuch beeettttterrrr... Bhirsch5: my aroom my ertoom lalslal sdala! PC Sylva: Yes, brainless one, your room. [Outside] [Everyone is crying.] GJanson: Well... *sob* we've been *sob* exiled, so let's *sob* leave. Firepike: *sob* Right. The Famous Scott: My room! It's now... *sob* HirschSoft. All: WWWWWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! [They sadly walk into the dreary, rainy, wet outside. However, the Weazle slipped off the 27th Story steps and fell in poison ivy stickerbushes, an AOL mutant plant.] -- >Omega Shmomega, blah blah blah... ---------- Episode 4 "Use the Net, Luke" ---------- [27 days later... The rain has subsided, but not in the hearts of our heroes. They wander aimlessly throughout the world. Right now they are in an enormous city called USENET.] Jmstuckman [eating a piece of cheese]: You know, I've been thinking. This really stinks. ZZTOmega: Yeah. We were kicked out of our own rooms. Jmstuckman: No, I mean this cheese. It's Limberger. GJanson: Hey, I just had a thought. [Everyone has an urge to make a smart remark, but they surpress it.] GJanson: We don't need AOL. We can make a room in USENET! [The ZZT/MZXers chatter amongst themselves.] Mono 10: Okay... um... how? William Lovas: I think we have to go to alt.config and vote on it. Mono 10: Voting doesn't happen! The Famous Scott: Yeah it does. William Lovas: No it doesn't. The Famous Scott: Oh yeah. So let's go to alt.config and not vote! [They find alt.config and...] Mono 10: I'd like to propose alt.games.zztmzx. It's a newsgroup for ZZT/MegaZeux. alt.config guy: What are ZZT/MegaZeux no abbreviations blalalala... William Lovas: Heheh... blalalalala... The Famous Scott: This might take a while. CLAbles: I think we need to like, um, plan ahead or something. The Famous Scott: Oh yeah. So, what should we call it? How about alt.games.zzt-megazeux? GJanson: Fine. William Lovas: Blalalala... The Famous Scott: Okay... [Everybody tries to propose the newsgroup at once. Nobody answers.] Mono 10: Eh... hmm. Well, they heard us. Let's leave and come back later. [A newbie walks by.] Mono 10: What was that? RobertCane: Crudderoo! It was a newbie! Mono 10: Why did it walk by? RobertCane: I don't know. T0UCAN: Just ignore it. The Famous Scott: Unless it was one of... *THE FOUR NEWBIES OF THE APOCALYPSE!* Everybody: Gasp! [Everybody runs around like crazy.] GJanson: Settle down, settle down! It might have just been a regular newbie! [The crowd chatters amongst themselves, saying things like "Oh, yeah, I never thought of that."] KRohleder2: Now what do we do? Barney9651: Let's go back to America Online and kill the newbies!! Everybody: Yeah! [They stampede back to America Online, run up to the 27th floor, get really tired, wait a while, get some Sweet Tarts, and invade the HirschSoft room. Bhirsch3, Bhirsch4, Bhirsch9, PC Sylva, and EvanDarrow are sitting around in lawn chairs drinking brown water, eating Arch Deluxes and puking all over the place. There is slop all over the walls, and the carpet is multicolored from stains. Flames leap all over the room.] PC Sylva: Hey! It's the non-newbies! Bhirsch3: git im! [All the Bhirsches run towards the ZZT/MZXers. Terry Bradshaw falls through the ceiling and then the floor. Barney9651 wallops Bhirsch3. GJanson whacks Bhirsch4. Bhirsch9 head-butts Yapok Jr, who calls him a butt-head and throws an aardvark at him. PC Sylva roars with anger and releases her lawyers. GJanson releases the flying monkeys. There is a heated battle as the flying monkeys bite and kick, and the lawyers throw red tape at them. Suddenly Brett Favre runs in and is attacked by the flying monkeys. The lawyers throw more red tape, covering Brett Favre. The monkeys attack the lawyers again. Eventually the monkeys win.] Flying monkeys: Hey hey we're the monkeys! People say we monkey around! The Famous Scott: What are they doing? GJanson: That's their victory chant. EvanDarrow: You all must die! I will do something not very nice! [The Weazle flies through the wall, smashes into EvanDarrow, and they both fly through the other wall out of the building, falling 270 feet to their doom.] EvanDarrow: Noooooooooooooo! I'll be ba-- [PC Sylva is the only one left. She runs out. All the ZZT/MZXers cheer and throw their hats. The ones that aren't wearing hats throw their heads. Everybody moves back into the rooms. 5.196152422707 days later...] William Lovas: hey, did the alt.config guys ever decide on the newsgroup? Mono 10 [drinking champagne with an umbrella in it]: I don't know. I'll send out some guys to check. [Mono 10 sends out T0UCAN, ZZT Zed, Famous Scott, CLAbles and Snowm60125. They head out into the desert, looking for alt.config. They are armed with only walkie-talkies. On the 0.1924500897299th day of their journey, they notice a fireball in the sky. It's the sun. But then they notice another one. It heads toward them and crashes into the sand just 127 feet away. They head for it.] CLAbles: What the @#$% is that? T0UCAN: Maybe it's a @#$%ing UFO! Famous Scott: It's not @#$%ing flying! T0UCAN: Well, it's probably some @#$%ing outer space thing. Snowm60125: Whoa, far-out super-keen! I'm gonna go check it out! [Snowm60125 walks up to the thing. Suddenly the side opens up and he is pulled inside by some unseen force. The object starts to light up and beep. Gauges move, lights flash, and steam comes out of it. This continues for about 27 seconds, then suddenly it explodes into an enormous fireball.] Snowm60125 [engulfed in flames]: I am having a very bad past few da ----- CLAbles [stares in awe] T0UCAN [into walkie-talkie]: Snowm? Snowm?! Come in, Snowm! [Walkie-talkie crackles] Reader: So *that's* what happened to him! [The remaining ZZT/MZXers' walkie-talkies crackle, and they hear Mono 10.] Mono 10: Man down. Abort. [Dramatic music. T0UCAN, CLAbles and ZZT Zed start to walk away] T0UCAN: He called abort! Walk away, Scott! Mono 10: Abort! Abort!! Famous Scott: We're getting that newsgroup. T0UCAN: Ah, okay. [With heavy hearts and sand in their shoes, they continue on their journey...] -- >Unless it was one of... *THE FOUR NEWBIES OF THE APOCALYPSE!* ---------- Episode 5 "Doo bee doo bee doo" ---------- T0UCAN: Man, this is really boring! Famous: You're telling me. T0UCAN: I know... who'd you think I was talking to? Famous [sigh] [They plod along] ZZT Zed: You know, you'd think having one of our team members meet a fiery death in an unknown spacecraft would be exciting. But now we're just bored again! Famous: Yeah, really. I thought if somebody was going to explode, it would at least liven things up a bit. ZZT Zed: Don't be so sentimental. People explode every day! T0UCAN: Well, live and learn. What's with CLAbles? [Everyone looks at CLAbles, who is staring at the sun.] ZZT Zed: He's not the only one staring at the sun. Famous: Umm.. actually, he kind of is. ZZT Zed: Well, what do you expect? He's a pyromaniac! T0UCAN: Just ignore him and maybe he'll go away. [Meanwhile, from out of the wreckage of the exploded spacecraft, a shadowy figure (it's not Snowm) emerges. It sneaks up behind the team...] Shadowy figure: Meep, meep meep meep, Pengyz meep meep, meep... Famous: Uh, what? [The figure leaps out of the shadows, revealing itself to be a small non-Linux penguin, and bites Famous's arm.] Famous: Argh! Why you little! [Famous kicks Pengyz about twenty feet straight up into the air, and gravity brings him back down. He goes back to the spacecraft, picks something up, and returns to the team, much to their dismay.] Pengyz: meep Thing he brought from the spacecraft, apparently a translator: I want some coffee! ZZT Zed: Wonky. Pengyz: meep Translator: I did! ZZT Zed: Huh? T0UCAN: Go away. Pengyz: meep Translator: No! [ZZT Zed drop kicks Pengyz over the nearest mountain. They continue on their trek to alt.config and eventually get there.] ZZT Zed: Uh, has alt.games.zzt-megazeux been approved? Secretary: No. Go away. All: D'oh! [They return to the AOL building. Absolutely nothing interesting happens on the way back, really.] -- >Uh, what? ---------- Episode 6 "Legion of Doom" ---------- [Everyone is gathered around to witness a weird event. Yet another spaceship has landed, this one on the roof of the America Online building!] RbdWombat: Cool, a spaceship. T0UCAN: Oh no, not again. [ZZTOmega, ZZT Zed, CLAbles, RbdWombat, Teevee20, Jmstuckman, T0UCAN, Famous Scott (aka MAJJSoft) and KingBat7 sneak aboard the mystery ship. It soon slips through a spatial rip. Now they're stuck on a long strange trip -- um, sorry. Here's what really happens. They get in the ship.] CLAbles: Uh... a spaceship! Uh huhuh. Jmstuckman: Um... let's fly it. I guess. [They start beating each other up over who gets to fly it. KingBat7 kicks everybody's butts, and he's the only one legally old enough to fly it anyway.] KingBat: Who's got the keys? [Teevee20 sheepishly hands them over.] KingBat: Who are you? Teevee20: Some guy. CLAbles: Yeah yeah yeah. Shut up and drive, Batman! KingBat: Right. [KingBat shuts up and drives.] KingBat: Stuckman! Juxtapose adjacent thrusters! Increase warp factor by 42 percent! Square the hypotenuse! Start the laundry! Jmstuckman: Aye aye, Captain Stubing! Zed, do all the stuff he just said! [ZZT Zed juxtaposes the adjacent thrusters, increases the warp factor by 42 percent, squares the hypotenuse, and starts the laundry.] KingBat: MAJJ! Status report! Famous: Adjacent thrusters are juxtaposed. Warp factor is at 69 percent. The squared hypotenuse is equal to the ratio of the circumference of any given circle to its diameter. The laundry is in the rinse cycle. T0UCAN: Ow! My eye! KingBat: What? T0UCAN: I had to say something! I never have any lines! ZZTOmega: So you want to waste the few lines you do have on stuff like "Ow! My eye!"? T0UCAN: Hmm, good point. Famous: Zoiks! There's a giant blob ahead of us! RbdWombat: A giant blob? Famous: A giant blob! KingBat: Aaaaah! We're being pulled in! CLAbles: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!!!!!! Famous: Ach! She canna take anymore, Cap'n! She's brrrreaking up! Hoot mon! RbdWombat: Nyaaaaah! It's blorping all around us! [And so the ship is pulled into the giant blob.] Famous: Well.. here we are, in a giant blob. T0UCAN: Time passes slowly in a giant blob. Jmstuckman: A fly crawls up the wall. Famous: One of those iridescent flies of fall. T0UCAN: Time passes slowly in a giant blob. RbdWombat: Wow, you've raised boredom to an art form! [Suddenly they all feel a small shock.] Teevee20: What was that? T0UCAN: Sorry... I rubbed my feet on the doorknob and touched a floor. KingBat: Oh -- WHAT?! T0UCAN: Forget it. Let's get out of here. KingBat: Okay. [They fly out of the giant blob and back to the America Online building.] ZZT Zed: My, that was pointless. [Suddenly the AOL building explodes and its inhabitants are flung throughout the farthest reaches of the galaxy.] -- >Nyaaaaah! It's blorping all around us! ---------- Episode 7 "Writer's Block" ---------- [Far, far away, in the Eyar Sea, on a large island called Undernet, in a small building called #ConventioCon, we see a door. On this door is a crude hand-painted sign reading "SAGA WRITERS BRAINSTORMING SESSION -- SHUT UP!" Inside the room, the Saga writers are taking their seats.] ZZTZed: What's going on? famous: I'm in trouble. ZZTOmega: What else is new? famous: Shut up! It's like this. Everybody's telling me to update the Saga. ZZTZed: And you can't think of anything to write about, right? famous: No! See, I told majiCk I'd write an episode about #megazeux. But I also told T0UCAN I'd write an episode about him! T0UCAN: Yeah! famous: But I don't have any ideas for either of them! T0UCAN: Nyeah-bleah. ZZTZed: Okay... okay... how's this. The AOL building explodes, right? famous: Right. ZZTZed: So T0UCAN flies over to #megazeux and... uhh... famous: What? WHAT?! T0UCAN: ... and opens his own chain of fried chicken restaurants! famous: That could work, that could work. T0UCAN: Oh, wait, forget it... where are you going to find fried chicken in Undernet? famous: At T0UCAN's Fr1ed Ch1cken! Everybody needs a little TFC! Yeah, I like this. ZZTZed: Forget it, Scott, it'll never work. ZZTOmega: How about a tribute to -- famous, ZZTZed: Shut up! ZZTOmega: Hey, I heard that. T0UCAN: Give him a chance, man! Wotcher. famous: *sigh* Fine, go ahead, Omega. ZZTOmega: How about if all the guys find a spaceship, then they fly through a giant blob, and -- famous: No, no, we did that already! ZZTOmega: Well, it was a good idea then, so -- ZZTZed: No it wasn't. ZZTOmega: Shut up! [famous throws a paper airplane around the room.] famous: What if the entire cast of characters shrink to the size of a centimeter and ride around on a paper airplane? T0UCAN, ZZTOmega, ZZTZed [stare blankly] famous: O-kay, I thought not. T0UCAN: We need an episode where I get to save the whales. ZZTZed: Yeah, T0UCAN saves the whales! Good idea, let's remember that. famous: Al Gore could cameo! ZZTZed: Uh-huh. I'm gonna go play Crash Bandicoot. famous: aUGH!*%#*^@%$*@% [ZZTZed goes to play Crash Bandicoot.] famous: ... T0UCAN: ... ZZTOmega: ... famous: ... T0UCAN: ... ZZTZed: Ack. I fell in a chasm. ZZTOmega: ... famous: ... T0UCAN: ... ZZTOmega: ... famous: Got any ideas yet? T0UCAN: Nope. ZZTOmega: Nope. ZZTZed: Ack. I fell in a chasm. (again) famous: You know, now that I think of it, all we have to do is think up a lackluster plot that serves only as the basis for jokes, then throw in a few mindless catchphrases, and the readers will gobble it up like fries! Bwahahahahaha! T0UCAN: You're evil. famous: Why don't I just make that my info line? [MZ pops his head in the door.] MZ: How about an episode where MZ is stranded on a desert island with Sandra Bullock? famous: Hey! Get out of here! Darkness, Shmarkness, go to Barkness! [famous throws a pencil at MZ, who ducks back outside.] ZZTOmega: Maybe I'll get some guy to dig through all the old AOL posts and scramble around trying to make them sound interesting. You know, like we did with episode 10. T0UCAN: It'll never work. Where are we going to find interesting AOL posts? ZZTZed: Ack. I fell in a chasm. (again) [ZZTZed comes back over the brainstorming session.] ZZTZed: Do we have any ideas yet? famous: No. T0UCAN: No. ZZTOmega: No. ZZTZed: Good, 'cause I have one. How about we write an episode about trying to think of ideas for an episode? Kind of a Seinfeld-esque thing. famous: Sounds like kind of a cop-out to me. -- >Ack. I fell in a chasm. ---------- Episode 8 "T0UCAN Saves the Whales and Doesn't Find a Nice Restaurant" ---------- [We now return to the Saga of the ZZT/MegaZeuxers, already in progress.] [In the faraway land of Mobile, Alabama, a blond guy is watching the news on TV...] Reporter: The America Online building exploded today in response to increased traffic due to their new unlimited-access billing plan. Inhabitants of the building were flung across the Universe. Guy: Phew! Glad I use Prodigy! Reporter: On another note, the rumor that KingBat is a former porn star is completely bogus. Guy: Shoot! Better cancel that order. [Meanwhile, in #megazeux on the island of Undernet in the Eyar Sea...] ASTeRiCk: Sure is a quiet day. majiCk: yep ASTeRiCk: Quiet quiet quiet. majiCk: yep ASTeRiCk: No strange people falling from the sky or anything. majiCk: nope [A bunch of strange people -- the former inhabitants of the 27th floor -- fall from the sky. T0UCAN gets up.] T0UCAN: Save the whales! Whale: Preach on, brutha T0UCAN! Mono: Brutha? That is a stupid G-expression. Are you a -G-? Everybody: I ain't no G, dawg :P Barney9651: I ain't no homey G flippin' fewl, corn dawg. T0UCAN: AS I WAS SAYING... Save the whales! Al Gore: NUKE THE WHALES!@#$&#%&*# [Suddenly dozens of voices cry out in terror. There is widespread panic on #megazeux. Thus beginning a new era... the whale posts.] [Just kidding!] Everybody: Ha ha ha, what a wacky zany nutty funster! [T0UCAN runs over to the nearest whale, sees that it's drowning, and gives it CPR.] Whale: You saved my life! I love you man! T0UCAN: You're not getting my Bud Lite. Everybody: [applause] [T0UCAN sees another whale sunbathing on the beach. He runs over it and plugs up its blowhole.] ZZTOmega: Huh huh, you said blowhole. Whale [slowly inflating]: I thought you wanted to save the whales!! T0UCAN: This is more fun! Whale [explodes]: aUGH!3%&*@$&*@$*&%78# Everybody: [applause] T0UCAN: [takes a bow] That is one sweet chick! Everybody: Huh? [starts looking for the sweet chick] T0UCAN: Nyeah-bleah! It's a metaphor! Everybody: Ohhhhhhhhh! [starts looking for the metaphor] [famous eats the metaphor] ASTeRiCk: ... famous: Kirby-Boy! ASTeRiCk: Is that an auto-greet? famous: No. ASTeRiCk: Really? famous: Yes. ASTeRiCk: Realllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly? famous: Yes. ASTeRiCk: Reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly? famous: Yes. ASTeRiCk: Okay. Say, anybody seen Greg? Rei-Chan: Greg? Who's Greg? ^_^; ASTeRiCk: Oh, there she is. Butz: She? [Rei-Chan kicks Butz: "homophobic"] ZZTOmega: greg Rei-Chan: Greg? Who's Greg? ^_^; ZZTOmega: greg Rei-Chan: Greg? Who's Greg? ^_^; ZZTOmega: greg Rei-Chan: Greg? Who's Greg? ^_^; ZZTOmega: greg Rei-Chan: Greg? Who's Greg? ^_^; ZZTOmega: greg Rei-Chan: Greg? Who's Greg? ^_^; ZZTOmega: greg Rei-Chan: Greg? Who's Greg? ^_^; ZZTOmega: Phooeeee! Chumblebutter! Auto-greg-kick is on! Rei-Chan: Greg? Who's Greg? ^_^; ZZTOmega: greg Rei-Chan: Greg? Who's Greg? ^_^; majiCk: aUGH!@%@#@%$%$%#%#*%*@%$@& wtf's going on here!? famous: Welcome to the Sleaze Bag! majiCk: aUGH!&@$%@*%*#%#%$%$%@#@%@ -- >The rumor that KingBat is a former porn star is completely bogus. ---------- Episode 9 "Oh Sure, NOW He Finds a Nice Restaurant" ---------- [After a whole bunch of aUGH!&@$%@*%*#%#%$%$%@#@%@s, the former 27th floorers are eventually accepted into #megazeux...] majiCk: msg _mzx_ .faq to get the #megazeux faq SpelWeavre: How archaic. _mzx_: op me, for i am a bot :P [majiCk //thwacks _mzx_ for being lagged] Reader: Lagged? What's lagged? ^_^; [Lag is when a takes a long time for your messages to get to the rest of #megazeux. Not a very good definition, but it's the Concise Oxford.] Calvin: I must remember not to understimate your mentality... Reader: Huh? Who's Calvin? [Forget it. It's a not-so-obscure reference.] [Geez, THIS episode is off to a good start.] SpelWeavre: Gee, it's hungry in here. T0UCAN: Hungry like Hungry Jack hungry? Or hungry like a muscled-up GI Joe after a big day in the chopper? SpelWeavre: Umm... Hungry Jack. T0UCAN: Wimp. SpelWeavre: Wha? T0UCAN: Let's go find a nice restaurant. ZZTZed: [glances in the general direction of #megazeux's mechanic] Hey Latka! How's the car coming? Latka: [from under a really groovy spaceship thing with the word "Sleazemobile" painted on the side] So far so good, Louie. ZZTZed: Please, call me Zed. Latka: Okay Louie. ZZTZed: *sigh* Can we take the car now? Latka: Umm... okay. [rolls out from under the Sleazemobile] ZZTZed: To the Sleazemobile! [Campy 60's Batman music plays in the background as everybody piles into the Sleazemobile.] famous: Atomic batteries to power. T0UCAN: Turbines to speed. [Flames leap out of the back of the Sleazemobile as it takes off dramatically into the sunset and lands at Burger King. Everyone piles out of the car and goes into Burger King, where they see Mono and a guy with whitish curly hair and a nametag that says "FRANK" at the counter.] Frank: [smiles, looks a customer straight in the eye] Would you like some fries with that order? Customer: Yes, please. Frank: [pushes a button] Mono: Oh great, it's the AOLamers. famous: Hey Mono! Mono: Hey famous, you ... evil ... programmer. famous: My powers are beyond your comprehension. Mono: Uh-huh. Are you going to order something or just stand here being stupid? [Everybody talks it over.] MattW: We decided we want to order a burger. Mono: Okay. [goes into the kitchen, makes a burger, spits in it, and gives it to famous] Spider124: The rumors are true! MattW: You spit in that burger! Mono: Uhhhhhhh... no? famous: Uhhhhhhh... yes! We want our money back! Mono: But you haven't paid me yet! famous: What's your point? [Everyone starts yelling about wanting their money back] Mono: You stupid morons! I'm not giving you a refund when you haven't paid me! Refunds can suck my butt! Everybody: Ew. T0UCAN: *This* is a nice restaurant? [Frank, who had been busily pushing buttons and taking orders, accidentally pushes the wrong button and the rest of Burger King disappears into another dimension.] -- >How archaic. ---------- Episode 10 "You're Looking a Little Pail" ---------- Everyone: ZZTZED DOES *NOT* LOOK LIKE A GARBAGE PAIL KID!!@#%#^&*(*$^@#$%!#$% ZZTZed: Uh, thanks. [The realization dawns that no one can see anyone else. The entire Burger King has been transported into a dark, mysterious dimension, with the exception of Frank, who is left standing in an open field where the Burger King used to be.] Mono: Ack! I can't see! T0UCAN: Try turning the lights on. Mono: Oh, thanks. [turns the lights on] [Cries of "I can see!!" and "It's a miracle!" arise from the crowd.] MattW: Let's go outside. [They go outside. They are on an immense purple, rocky landscape punctuated with bright yellow tree-like objects with green fruits growing on them, in front of a blue sun inhabiting an endless green sky. It's beautiful yet nauseating.] Megakupo: I'm nauseous... I'm nauseous... [The landscape stretches out for miles around them. The Burger King and trees are the sole variances in the otherwise unbroken sea of purple rock. A soft, cold wind murmurs and rustles through the trees. The sun is setting. After surveying the land for a few moments, they begin to become aware of rustles other than wind in the trees. Wondercow approaches the nearest tree. Suddenly, with a long, piercing "HISSSSSSSSSS!" a small furry object leaps out of the tree and clings to Wondercow's face.] Wondercow: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! [rips the furry thing off his face] Furry thing: Good evening! My name is Walter. V9CyberKid: Ugh. I don't think I like this place. Let's go. ZZTOmega: We @#$%ing CAN'T!! Mono: Why not? All we have to do is push the button. MattW: [//thwacks Mono] Why didn't you tell us that before?! Mono: *shrug* [Everyone runs back in the Burger King to the cash register, and stop upon seeing that it has hundreds of buttons.] ZZTZed: Ummm... which one do we push? Mono: Only Frank knows for sure. MattW: We'll just have to push them all until we find one that works. [pushes one. V9CyberKid turns into a gerbil.] famous: *grrbl* V9CyberKid: *hmstr* Barney9651: *gnepg* majiCk: *raaat* MattW: Okay, that wasn't it. [pushes another button and twenty pounds of bananas fall from the ceiling.] That's not it either. ZZTOmega: Really? MattW [pushes another button. Dark brown roots grow up and engulf the Burger King.] Barney9651: The Saga is getting back to its roots. Hahaha. Ha. MattW [pushes another button and The Weazle explodes. Pushes another button and Wondercow grows a dorsal fin. Pushes another button and the Burger King and everyone in it disappears.] [The Burger King reappears in its original dimension, right on top of Frank.] Frank: Ow. -- > The Saga is getting back to its roots. Hahaha. Ha. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Collection Three ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The .... xMMMMB##T???!Tk 'MMT?!!!!!!!!!!!X .$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! .$!!!!!!!!!!~~~ .... '~!!!!!!@ ..... ..o!????Ttk ...... `!!!!!!?b .zM?!!!!!!!9u :$T!!!!!!!!!X .z$T!!!!!?Tc !!!!!!!*k !!!!!!!!!!!!!$H!!!!!!K~!!!!8 !!!!!!!!!!!!# ~~!!!!!M%. '!!!9E!!!! !!!!!" `````` !!!!E !!!!!!!R !!!!!!!!E '!!!!@c !!!!F ``!!!!!!$c .$T!!!!!!!!!!XX!!!T .!!!!!M z$!!!!!!!!!!F ~!!!!!!?L n?!!!!!!!!!!!!` !!!!!!!!!!!f :#?!!!!!!!!!!!!" ~!!!!!M%!!!!!!!uu&:!!!L /~!!!!!!!!X '!!!!XUUU&~!!!M ~!!!!!?!!!!@F !!!!^ ~!!!@$!!!!@` ?!!!!` @?!?b sH!!!!t~!!!!$F M!!!! ~!!!!~!!!!@c ?!!!X !!!!!!!!#**#R!!!!!!` ~!!!!!!**#!!!! '!!!!& !!!!!!**R!!!X '~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! .~!!!!!!!!!!! '!!!!> ~~!!!!!!!!!! ~!!!!!!!!!!!~ . !!!!X '!!!!E `!!!> `!!~ .!!!T '!!!!F ~`! !!!!! '!!!!F ~!!!!!!!!!X of the ZZT/MegaZeuxers !!!!!~~ Collection Three Created and edited by Scott Hammack 0 "Ham Burglar" [sic] S. Hammack 1 "Far Ouuuuuuut" A. Sonic 2 "No." S. Hammack 3 "I Think I'm a Clone Now" G. Michael Yount 3.5 "Just This Episode, You Know?" S. Hammack 4 "The War Civil" S. Hammack 5 "Tha, That Wou, That Would Be Me" S. Hammack 6 "Duckula" S. Hammack 7 "Fettucini Alfredo" S. Hammack 8 "\"Wait Till Your Father Gets Home\" Featuring Tom Bosley" G. Michael Yount 9 "xyzzy" S. Hammack 10 "The Last C3E*" S. Hammack .---=====---. [ 0 ] ["Ham Burglar" [sic]] `---=====---' [A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... After the infamous DARK POSTS, the former inhabitants of America Online's 27th floor resolved to reform, and to be better people, but this era ended when ZZTOmega was stung by a bee. This disturbed REI-CHAN (formerly GJanson), who accidentally brought them into a dimension of weirdness. After some understandably weird occurences, the America Online building was transported back to its original dimension and the ZZT/MZXers escaped. Later, at the ZZT/MZX Gala Awards, the ZZT/MZXers are terrorized by a hideously mutated newbie and death. Meanwhile, the America Online staff had decided they were getting pretty fed up with all the wacky zany nutty fun stuff going on, so, being the party poopers they were, they forced the ZZT/MZXers out of the 27th floor. After attempting to create a USENET room, the ZZT/MZXers returned to AOL and reclaimed their rooms. Mono 10 sent out a party to find out if the USENET room had been created yet. On the voyage, Snowm was killed in an exploding UFO. KingBat appeared with famous's evil twin TheWeird, who fell out the window, along with The Weazle. Upon finding yet another alien ship, they flew through a giant blob. The America Online building exploded, and the ZZT/MZXers landed on #megazeux, in the Eyar Sea. Then they went to Burger King.] Geez, remind me not to eat there again. Tell me about it. I mean, not only did they spit in our burger, they sent us to a parallel dimension! [sarcastically] What service. Parallel dimensions aren't really parallel. Shaddap. Well, at least it wasn't McDonald's. I'd rather eat cardboard. Same here. Here, have a piece. [gives MattW a piece of cardboard] Uhhh, thanks. i hope you guys are enjoying your invasion of #megazeux!#@%$*%@*$ famous, you need to update your page. I know. Ladeeda... You know, I think I would rather eat feces than a McDonald's hamburger. Same here. Here, have -- Aaack! No! Oh great. Now what am I gonna do with this? Ewh. Now, my school burger's are made out of soybeans....and our french fries...and our roast beef....and our soups....and our milk.....and our chicken....and our...well, you get the picture. One of my friends told me that they heard on the news that they put roaches in the Arch Deluxes. But I dunno. Either way, I don't eat 'em. Last time I ate at McDonald's I had a 2 burger meal that disappeared before I opened the wrapper. Uh-huh, that's right. Darkness, Shmarkness, go to Barkness! HEY!! That's MY catchphrase! Inmate, eat the wrapper! It's better! Famous, can I be in the Saga Uh, sure... oops. I wasn't supposed to cut-and-paste this, was I? What, is your backspace broken? No, but I can use this as filler. Really, I plan to actually have a plot next episode. Ha! Yeah, right. Shaddap. ...So, you think this episode is long enough to upload yet? No. No. No. No. No. No. howdy No. You people are never satisfied!! -- > You know, I think I would rather eat feces than a McDonald's > hamburger. > Same here. Here, have -- > Aaack! No! .---=====---. [ 1 ] ["Far Ouuuuuuut"] `---=====---' [Our story starts today with Barney9651, ZZTZed, ZZTOmega, famous, T0UCAN, MattW, and Rei-Chan in the Software Visions room. Rei-Chan and MattW are telling them about Megazeux 5.98] 5.98??!! Yes, we are all going to beta test it. Our friend Matt here has decided to stay back and operate the satellite. (except Rei-Chan and MattW) Satellite? Yes, you see, MZX version 5.98 is an immense technological breakthrough requiring enormous amounts of data. Rather than making the user download the sickening amounts through conventional modem lines, we simply give them a program that beams it straight to them from a satellite at really fast speeds. We took all the money Software Visions and the Cookie Factory earned, plus a couple million dollars of federal funding, and built ... THE SATELLITE OF ZEUX!! How come this wasn't on the MZX mailing list? HA! The Mailing List! HA! You think I would tell that to anyone but my most trusted testers? There are plenty of newbies on the ML that would gobble it up like fries. I'm *not* a newbie! Uh, yeah, sorry... What game are we going to play? Chapter two of the Zeux series: Caverns of Zeux. AAAW! Ugh! Not Caverns! It has enhanced graphics, first person perspective, multiplayer options and graphics like the Nintendo 64. Better than the N64! It has 892 64-bit graphics processors. [fiddling with controls] We're talking lush organic environments here. Virtual reality, man, virtual reality. I could see the light, purple flame, the pilot light of all eternity... look! Here I am, I'm over there now! I'm not here anymore! My hair is GrEeN and I'm a tree! Okay, calm down, Matt. [to the others] He's in therapy. Ok, power level is ready. Stand on the circles, people. [They stand on the circles. MattW pulls down a lever and pushes a button. Then everybody (with the exception of MattW) de-materializes and appears on the Satellite of Zeux.] Ow! My atoms! OOH! That was fun! Neato! Settle down, settle down! There's more! [Matt pushes another button and the door ahead of our MZX pioneers opens. Matt turns a knob and the gravity is increased.] Hey! How does that work? Well, the satellite is big, so there is a long hallway with rooms at the ends. We just make that hallway spin on its axis and voila! Instant gravity. Ooh! It's warm and cozy in here. [As they walk down the hallway, Rei-Chan enters a code cylinder, turns it left two degrees, right 100, and left 56. The door ahead then lifts up. Rei-Chan goes to the voice analyzer. He blinks and everyone stops talking.] Software Visions. You may g-g-go right in. [The 15 consecutive doors ahead of them slowly open. Eventually they get to the biggest and most complex door of them all, the Mega-Door (patent pending). It slowly slides up, revealing a large dark room.] Here's how it works: You sit in the chairs, put on the headsets, and get your joystick ready. Remember: your headsets can also allow you to talk to and hear anyone else in the game. [They all sit in the chairs and the game starts. A new, better title flies by and they watch it, OOhing an AAhing. Rei-Chan selects a 4 player friendly team and the game starts. They all see a lake ahead. They look into it and see that they are dwarfs.] AAAH! MY HAIR! Ok, weapon select time! [A menu pops up and greg selects the Silver Staff, Barney9651 selects the Ruby Ring, T0UCAN selects the Golden Staff, and famous selects the Red Rod. They walk along and a bear cub comes near. Barney9651 blasts it to pieces and the bear explodes.] COOL! [They go to the Ice Cave and dodge the crystals. So spikes fall from above and Rei-Chan hits one] OW! 50% damage! [As they continue fighting the monsters, they know little of EvanDarrow's plot... Back at ground control, in a secret base under #megazeux, MattW pulls off his mask, revealing that he's EVANDARROW!] Gahaha! [turns to face MattW, who is tied to a flagpole and gagged] Not so perfect now, are you Mr. I'm-So-Great ZZT Guy? Nothing will stop me now! [EvanDarrow pushes buttons to turn off the satellite's heat. Meanwhile back on the satellite: They have just gotten all of the rainbow gems, and were now going to face the first boss. T0UCAN has made the most kills so far and Rei-Chan has died. A pack of ugly goblins is approaching. famous makes quick use of the Red Rod. The goblins disappear in a fading red color. They enter the boss room and the game stops. The words "game over" in a neat design flash before them. They take off their headsets.] That's all of the game we had time to buil- BRRR! its COLD! Hey Matt, what's the problem? [Rei-Chan looks toward the monitor] Hello Greg! GAHAHA! AAW! @#$%!!! Not that @#$%ing *newbie*! HEY! [EvanDarrow pushes a button and Barney9651 gets a shock] @#$%! What do you want? What everyone wants! I want to know the secret code that allows full access to any protected game! WHAT?!! ME TELL YOU THAT? [EvanDarrow pushes a button and Rei-Chan gets a shock] If you must be so stubborn, I'll make you a deal. If you give me the code, I'll let you off your satellite. Until then, you're staying right there! Gahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaa, et cetera, et cetera! [EvanDarrow presses some buttons on the console in front of him] Transporter d-d-d-deactivated. Gaha! You're stuck! Feel like giving me the code yet? NO. Hope you brought plenty of MegaZeux games then! Don't worry, I'll upload plenty of my games for you! Gahahahahahahahahahaaaa! A fate worse than death!! -- >AAAH! MY HAIR! .---=====---. [ 2 ] [ "No." ] `---=====---' [#megazeux...] anybody seen matt? howdy No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. And when a girl says no, she means no. No. ok. [MattW runs in. At least, it looks like MattW.] Here I am. Matt! *snicker* What are you snickering about? Oh, uh, nothing. Okay. [Back on the Satellite of Zeux...] This sucks!! Why don't you just give Darrow the code? If I give him the code, I'm violating everything I believe in! Plus, I forgot it. D'OH!#*@^#($^&%#&@ [EvanDarrow appears on the monitor.] Feel like giving me the code yet, Greg? Never! And don't call me Greg! Whatever, Greg. You'll give in eventually. It's only a matter of time. Gahahahaha! I'm uploading Evan's new game, ALIEN.MZX, to your satellite's libraries. I don't want to toot Evan's horn here -- well... AHEM!! Anyway, this is just the greatest game ever written. It's the MegaZeux 5.98 version of Evan's classic ALIEN.ZZT, which was one of the greatest ZZT games ever written, along with his others. Wait a minute! How could he have made a MZX 5.98 game when MZX 5.98 hasn't even been released yet? Uhh, gotta go now! [We hear an annoying AOL guy voice say "File's Done!"] Here's ALIEN.MZX. Enjoy! Gahahahahaaaa! [The image on the monitor shrinks into a tiny dot and fades away.] I hate that guy. ... ... ... ... ... So, should we play it? WHAT?!#@*^%&@ Well, it's gotta be better than just sitting here rotting. [Everyone stares at him.] ...or not. [They sit there rotting for a while.] My, this is boring. I'm gonna try to contact Matt. [approaches the computer monitor] Finally, a satellite that runs Unix. Don't start with your Unix... [famous eventually discovers how to contact ground control. An image of ground control appears on the monitor, but there doesn't seem to be anyone there.] Awww... [On the monitor, they see AndrewT walking in, apparently hearing them. ZZTZed quickly turns the satellite's camera off.] hi my name's andrewt. show yourself! ... fine, be that way! [PC Sylva enters ground control.] Is there a PROBLEM here Andrew? Remember, AOL staff will never ask for your password or billing information :-) [ZZTZed whispers "Noses waste bandwidth!"] What was that? [ZZTZed realizes that he only turned off the camera, not microphone, and bangs his head against the wall. At ground control, PC Sylva manually reactivates the satellite's camera.] Everything okay up there? Yeah, okay, everything's fine, uh huh, yeah. Okay. Remember, AOL staff will never ask for your password or billing information :-) WAIT!! Aren't you going to bring the satellite down? Are you kidding? You're AOL rebels! I hope you die up there! Hahahahaha! Haha! Remember, AOL staff will never ask for your password or billing information :-) [PC Sylva and AndrewT leave.] W-w-what an annoying w-w-woman. Oh, great, a talking computer. How CHEESY! Why does it keep stuttering like that? [ZZTZed scans the computer.] According to McAfee VirusScan, the computer is infected with the "Max Headroom Virus." It makes it stutter on random words. How annoying. *How* annoying. How *annoying*... You th-th-think YOU'RE annoyed? I'm hungry. [EvanDarrow appears on the monitor.] BOO! AAAAAH! Don't dooooooooo that! I expect you're getting hungry. Well, don't worry, because I'm teleporting you a few cases of miniature Ball Park franks. [opens a crate] They look kind of small... Well, they plump when you cook 'em. Oh, wait... YOU CAN'T COOK 'EM! GAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Hahaha. Ha. [EvanDarrow disappears.] Hey! Some guy at the Ball Park factory accidentally slipped a regular-size frank in with the miniatures! Dibs! -- >No. And when a girl says no, she means no. .---=====---. [ 3 ] ["I Think I'm A Clone Now"] `---=====---' [Meanwhile, back on the Satellite of Zeux, ZZTOmega and Rei-Chan are fighting over ZZTOmega's frank. (Not to be confused with TV's Frank.)] Hey! Give ME the weiner! I wrote MegaZeux, so I get the weiner! No! That's MY weiner! You're not getting it! [pauses, thinking] Uh... on second thought, you can keep it. Yeah! Woohoo! [ZZTOmega scarfs down the weiner.] [While ZZTOmega hungrily scarfs the weiner, ZZTZed tunes in a newsfeed from CNN on one of the TelStar satellites.] And in other news, John Bobbit was caught in a rather embarrassing accident at a Ballpark hot-dog factory... aUGH!@#^&*(@ BLETCH!#* [ZZTOmega starts spitting and tries to induce vomiting.] Icky. [Back on Earth, in EvanDarrow's secret hideout, 20,000 leagues below the sea...] Bwaahahahahh! Soon, my plot to clone the prisoners of the Satellite of Zeux will be complete! I've already cloned Rei-Chan, ZZTOmega and Barney9651... Now I only have to clone famous, ZZTZed and T0UCAN! [EvanDarrow presses a few buttons on a large console. There are six large plexiglass tubes, three of which contain the bodies of what looks like Rei-Chan, ZZTOmega and Barney9651. The other three tubes are empty...but then a swirling mist appears in the there empty tubes.] BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [Back on the Satellite of Zeux, ZZTZed is talking to what looks like a gumball machine with a beak and arms on springs.] What are you doing?! This isn't MST3K, you know! Despite the similarities in recent episodes! I know, I was just trying to get a stupid gumball out of this machine! [ZZTZed plunks another quarter into the gumball machine and twists the handle, then, after he doesn't get a gumball, he dropkicks the gumball machine across the room.] Hey! I can use that! [famous rescues the gumball machine.] I suppose you'd like a lacrosse mask, too? Yes, that would be lovely! Well, you're lucky. I just happen to have one. [ZZTZed hands famous the lacrosse mask.] Hmm...wonder what's happening down on earth? [ZZTZed tunes in another newsfeed.] ...and, in other news, another advance in cloning has been made! A young man, Evan Darrow, has sucessfully cloned humans! Six humans, who shall remain nameless to protect their privacy, have been cloned in a secret laboratory... [Everyone on the satellite just stands there, stunned.] Holy @#$%-%-%! [Barney9651 faints.] -- >Icky. .---=====---. [ 3.5 ] ["Just This Episode, You Know?"] `---=====---' [#megazeux] [Moniter kicks Wondercow. Wondercow rejoins.] AAAAAAH! I'm starting a boycott! Everybody should leave #megazeux and come to my new channel, #mzxtalk! [leaves #megazeux and starts #mzxtalk.] [Nobody else joins.] [Wondercow comes back to #megazeux.] Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. [Satellite of Zeux] I think this boredom and steady diet of cocktail weenies is starting to affect me... You know, I'm actually tempted to play Darrow's game... [EvanDarrow appears on the monitor.] Ready to give me the code, Greg? ... Hellooo? Earth to Greg, woo woo! Hehehehe! ... She refuses to answer you if you call her Greg. Okay... Ready to give me the code, Bob? CALL ME REI!! And I'm NOT giving it to you. That's okay, I've got all the time in the world. Meanwhile, have you played ALIEN.MZX yet? NO. Well DO IT!! [hits six buttons simultaneously and they all get a shock] FINE! Geez, you don't have to be so nasty about it! Scoot! [disappears from the monitor] What? I said scoot, not Scott, you moron! [Barney9651, famous, Rei-Chan, T0UCAN, ZZTOmega and ZZTZed advance to the enormous vault door. Rei-Chan enters the code and the door opens.] Software Visions. [The 15 doors advancing through the hallway open. They start to walk down the hall.] You need a better password. I mean, that's kind of obvious. Ah, whaddya gonna do. [The Mega-Door slides open. They enter the MegaZeux Room and put on the headsets.] Here goes nothing... [The game starts. A big, blocky title screen reading "ALIEN" flies by. Seconds later they see a tiny banner that says "BY EVAN DARROW." of blue walls. Below that is a box labeled ROBOTS, containing a smiley labeled "CAPTURED WORRIORS" [sic] and an asterisk labeled "guard," and some text reading "AND MORE!!!" Surrounding it all is a huge yellow border.] I'm scared. At least he _used_ robots... [The game starts in another yellow-bordered room, with a smaller blue border inside it. There is a yellow scroll sitting nearby. It reads: Dear trooper well.... if your reading this.. then you must have lived... and I must be dead... we just can't have that.. can we??? love, Ma alien p.s... you lose... Suddenly the game ends.] Hey, that wasn't nearly as bad as I expected! Let's go. [They go back to the satellite's living quarters, where EvanDarrow is waiting for them on the monitor.] Ah! How did you like my game? Uhh, we liked it. Yeah, it had, uh, the quality of a good Darrow game. Excellent! Have you seen my catalog of games? Uh, yes? Impossible! I haven't given it to you yet! Well, here it is. [a paper pamphlet appears on the panel. (alliteration. heh.) EvanDarrow disappears from the monitor. famous picks up the pamphlet.] [reading] "this is space wars, in my opinion, the BEST game i've made yet!" Well, that's not saying much. [reading] Ahem. "this is just one room from this game that is almost 100,000 bytes long! it's just game one and there WILL be a sequel ( maybe MORE than one!)" *meep* (nar) Oooh, 100,000 bytes. Wow. Is the game 100,000 bytes, or that room? Who cares? Hey, uh, I don't think my stomach can tolerate reading the rest of this. I'll be right back. [he runs off] What's with him? Who knows? famous is just this guy, you know? Who's up for Ball Park miniature franks? Me! [Rei-Chan passes out Ball Park miniature franks.] Gee, I wish we could cook 'em. You know, so they'd plump. Think there's a microwave around somewhere? Who knows? Microwaves are just these things, you know? [They eat the miniature franks.] Erk... remind me to take the plastic wrapper off next time. -- >Microwaves are just these things, you know? .---=====---. [ 4 ] ["The War Civil"] `---=====---' [EvanDarrow is on an archaeological dig to the former site of Deep 27, 270 feet below the place where the America Online building used to be. He has entered what's left of Deep 27 and hax0red access to its computer. (That part was easy; it's running Windows 95.) He is now searching the computer, trying to find the code that allows full access to protected games. But he ends up finding something even better... the MegaZeux source code.] [hyperventilating] AAAAAAH! It's the MegaZeux source code! [He pulls a pack of Looney Tunes 3.5" floppy disks from his pocket and copies the source to them. He then deletes the source from the Deep 27 computer and gives the traditional villainous maniacal laugh.] [still tied to the flagpole, which EvanDarrow brought with him] You'll never get away with this, Darrow! I already have! Gahahahahahahaha! [#megazeux] I'm a bot. Hehehe. [EvanDarrow comes in, disguised at MattW.] Matt! What a great op [MattW kicks everybody. W, who can't be kicked, kicks MattW. Everybody rejoins.] RUN IT'S THE EVIL MATTW AND HES THE SIZE OF KING KONG!AAAAAH don't panic [MattW kicks majiCk.] PANIC!#^*@&%#*@%$*%#@^%$^@$* [Everybody PANIC!#^*@&%#*@%$*%#@^%$^@$*s.] [Meanwhile, in Ground Control, MattW has escaped from the flagpole by bribing AndrewT with the secret of how to edit super-locked ZZT games.] [On the Satellite of Zeux...] You know, I've been thinking... [Nobody says anything. This is a serious moment.] I think I'll quit Software Visions. WHAT?!?!#@^$^@***^@*$^(#^$*&@^$(^#($&^@* For "personal reasons." You see, I have too-- [Rei-Chan is interrupted by a whole bunch of alarms going off.] What the?! [MattW appears on the monitor. Er, the real MattW.] It's me, Matt! Really! Can you prove it? Okay. [MattW somehow manages to kick famous in the head from hundreds of miles away.] Ow. Okay, just had to make sure. Listen, I can't talk long. The Brinks home security system detected my escape. Uh, yeah. Hey, did I tell you I quit Software Visions? WHAT?!?!#@^$^@***^@*$^(#^$*&@^$(^#($&^@* That was my first reaction. Yeah, see, I'm leaving for quote unquote personal reasons. Being stranded on a satellite isn't helping, either. Anyway, I want you to continue the MegaZeux series and all the other SV projects. Umm.. that might be a problem... What? Why? Because... EVANDARROW STOLE THE MEGAZEUX SOURCE CODE!*#%*@%$ AAAAUUUUUGGGHH!$*&@%$ EvanDarrow stole the MegaZeux source code?!*#%*@%$ AAAAUUUUUGGGHH!$&@%$ That was my first reaction. You have to get it back! Send out the flying monkeys, fire department, Impossible Mission Force, ANYTHING! Why do you care? You quit Software Visions, remember? Shut up! Uh, yeah, I gotta go now. I can't come back, I don't know how it works, goodbye! [he disappears. From the moniter, that is.] so he disappeared from the civil war battleship? howdy. The Moniter was NOT a battleship! It was not even CLOSE to it! It was an IronClad!! Aah! You're both supposed to be in #megazeux! Get out of this segment! ook. [he turns into a big cooked turkey with no head and flies out the 27th story window. Of the Satellite. Huh.] I want more lines. i don't have enough lines. i never have have enough lines. Wha?! Go away!#*@&%@ aUGH!*#%@*$%*@$%^# That aUGH!*#%@*&%*@%$* is getting kind of old. i know. -- >RUN IT'S THE EVIL MATTW AND HES THE SIZE OF KING KONG!AAAAAH .---=====---. [ 5 ] ["Tha, That Wou, That Would Be Me"] `---=====---' [ZZTZed has set up an illegal cable hookup on the satellite's newsfeed system. Everybody is spending "quality time" watching Bob's Bob Bob Newhart Newhart Marathon on Nick at Nite.] Tha, that wou, that would be me. Father? Bob Newhart, what a great guy. [Meanwhile, in #megazeux, the real MattW is gathering a team of 31337 professionals to retrieve the MegaZeux source code.] I'm gathering a team of ... *sigh*... "31337" professionals to retrieve the MegaZeux source code. GummiBear, Wondercow, FredTC, and Mono: you are now the Barkness Force, strange visitors from the planet Krypton whose sole mission is to find the MegaZeux source code. The time has come to reclaim what is rightfully ours... we shall not go without a fight... I do not like green eggs and ham... I do not like them Sam I am... this is our Independence Day... the day we fight back... ID4... I don't understand the acronym "ID4." Is that "Independence Day, part 4?" I was wondering about that too. He likes his collars extra fluffy. Hee hee. Shut up! Kca! Aren't you supposed to be dead? I'm not dead! I'm getting better! aHEM... I'm actually dead. I'm not. ...MEHa Shut up! I only had one line, and that was about a pot of petunias! [MattW blinks. (proudly continuing the GJanson tradition)] Your mission, should you choose to accept it -- and you'd better choose to accept it -- is to infiltrate EvanDarrow's headquarters and take the MegaZeux source code. You'd have to be physically at the terminal, because as you know, I can't hack my way out of a wet paper bag. Come on, famous, that was a little below-the-belt. Shut up!%#@%^ And it's worse than you think. The terminal's in black vault lockdown. They haven't missed a thing in that room. The mainframe requires significant cooling, meaning there is a large air duct. But the vents have laser nets over them. Inside, there are three intrusion countermeasure systems that can only be deactivated by authorized entry. Which, of course, we won't have. The first system is sound-sensitive. Anything above a whisper sets it off. The room's floor has pressure-sensitive panels. Even something light as a feather, a drop of water, a paperclip, anything, and the alarm sounds. And the final system detects any increase in temperature. The body heat of an unauthorized person in the room will trigger it. All three systems are state of the art. Very, very fine stuff. And you really think we can do this? [MattW gives them his most confident grin, and hopes that they buy it.] [Later, they infiltrate EvanDarrow's hideout at the Satellite of Zeux's mission control center, only to find that it has been completely abandoned. All the equipment is gone. And it's gone and stuff.] Oh well. Let's go find some grape soda!!!! [Presently, way down in Deep 27...] [runs in] Evan! Evan! I think I was spotted on my way down here. Did you wear your disguise? I was wearing my disguise, but I'm just not very good in heels! No one must know we're down here doing this. I'm sorry. Well, time to call the Brady kids. [On the Satellite of Zeux, Bob's Bob Bob Newhart Newhart Marathon has just ended.] Now that's good television. Oh, hi, Darrow. Don't hi me. Okay. Hey, I noticed you moved. You guys must have got kicked out of AOL for stranding us in space like this, I'll bet. Oh, don't be ridiculous. We moved. Yes, it's our grand re-opening. Welcome to Deep 27. Deep 27? Wait a minute. That's in the sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub- sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub- sub-basement of AOL! It's incredibly radioactive. But it hasn't affected our brains any. We like it here. Now we're even closer to the atomic pile. And one day... Uh, is there a REASON you called us? Oh, right. I just wanted to tell you that I've stolen the MegaZeux source code. I've also cloned you all. Thanks a lot, we already knew that. What? How? It's all over the news! Six o'clock top story, even! Uh-huh uh-huh! FOK! Well, uh, that'll be all, I guess... Bye. [he uses the monitor's remote to change the channel back to Nick at Nite.] Coming up next: Bewitched! aUGH!%%!&#$@7$%*#%$*(%$*% -- >But it hasn't affected our brains any. .---=====---. [ 6 ] [ "Duckula" ] `---=====---' [Late that "night" on the Satellite of Zeux... The moniter rings.] MonitOr!*&$%*@^%$*^%#$*%#^* [The monitor rings. Everybody wakes up and goes to the Satellite bridge. ZZTZed answers the monitor. On it is a mysterious figure in a white robe with a hood over its face. Behind it is another mysterious figure, this one in a tie-dyed bathrobe.] I am the almighty Thegra... and this is my somewhat- mighty brother Theack... Hi. Uh, hi. What do you want? We want the one you call Omega... (nmiaow...) [Everybody is confused.] I think he means you, Omega. Why? It has become evident that you are an influential thinker in your planet's history... WHAT?!#*%@$*%@*$5*@ We need you to further develop our species and strengthen our nation... And you seem like a pretty cool guy! Well, I can't argue with your reasoning. We shall now beam you to our ship... Wait, what about us?! Beam us too! [Theack smiles at them. That was lame.] [dissolving] Hahaha! I'm blowin' this joint (nmiaow)! See ya, lamers! LAMERSSSSSSSSSSSSSS [And then he's gone.] We shall return... With a vengeance! Shut up... I was just trying to make it more dramatic. You know. I don't want to talk about it anymore... [They disappear from the monitor.] Well, more Ball Park miniature franks for us! [Everybody else cheers.] Hi. Dwaah! You are NOT replacing Omega! Go away. Awww... pretty please? NO. !#@*$ [he disappears in a puff of punctuation.] [Presently, in #megazeux, MattW is trying to convince the Barkness Force to delve deeper into the mystery that is Darrow.] Come ON! He must have moved! Pretty please??! Hi. Ah, okay. [They return to the former Satellite of Zeux ground control and find a Post- It note with the following message on it: "We moved to Deep 27."] Look! A clue! [They go to Deep 27 and find the vault containing EvanDarrow's computer. FredTC falls through the ceiling vent, setting off every alarm in the building. He grabs the floppy and runs.] Woob woob woob woob woob! [They run out.] [On the Satellite of Zeux...] Can I have ZZTOmega's room? NO! [MattW appears on the monitor. Zuljin disappears.] Hey Rei! We got the MegaZeux source back. Yeah, like I care. I quit Software Visions, REMEMBER?! But... but... buhh... That's enough. Normal view. [They turn off the moniter. Moniter enters] auGH!@@#$$%^&*(^ [Moniter leaves] -- >Dwaah! .---=====---. [ 7 ] ["Fettucini Alfredo"] `---=====---' [Satellite of Zeux] So! I see you've taken the MegaZeux source code which I so rightfully stole, and that Williams has escaped. Well, it just so happens that by looking through the source, I found the code I've been pursuing. I was going to bring you down now, but just for that, I'm leaving you there! Gaha! Don't worry, though. Here, have another of my games! This one is ROLEPLAY.MZX, which is, IMHO, even better than ALIEN.MZX, and that's no easy feat. Rangest. Slightly-less-than-subliminal messaging in a Saga episode! Shut up! Play it or die! Or both! [he disappears.] Well, I guess we ought to play it. Do we have to? Yes. [ZZTZed passes a bottle of Claritin around the room. Everybody takes a swig.] Okay, are we ready? Sorry, meatball-head, I quit MegaZeux. I'm sitting this one out. No fair! Nyah nyah nyah. [Barney9651, famous, T0UCAN and ZZTZed leave for the game room. Rei-Chan stays on the bridge, reading a Sailor Moon comic book. Or graphic novel. After a while, there's a call.] Yello? [It's Bob Dylan!] Hi. I'm Bob Dylan. Uhh... hi. You know Bill Hirsch, right? aUGH!*%#^*!$ That @#$% newbie! Hey! I just happen to be his mother's father's uncle's dentist's sister-in-law's former roommate! D'OH! [Soon Barney9651, famous, T0UCAN and ZZTZed finish the game and return to the bridge, but Rei-Chan isn't there.] Brilliant surprise ending. Uhh... where's Rei-Chan? Incoming trans-trans-transmission from Rei-Chan. Heh. Put it on the moniter. Uh, monitor. ...Monitor. [Rei-Chan appears on the monitor.] Hey, look at me, I'm on Earth! Wahow! G'ah! How'd you get back to Earth? Bob Dylan brought me home. He's a really nice guy. Bhirsch's mother's father's uncle's dentist's sister-in-law's former roommate, doncha know. Is that so. Yes. Anyway, I'm back in La Crescenta now, but don't tell Darrow, okay? Just, uh, tell him I died of, uh, weiner poisoning or... something. Not necessarily meant in any obscene way. Grr. [Meanwhile, EvanDarrow sends his Rei-Chan clone into #megazeux.] Hi. I'm Rei-Chan. Rei-Chan! I thought you quit Software Visions and MegaZeux! I thought you were a super-secret spy marooned in space, and met Hercules! Or not! Nope. I'm Rei-Chan, still her.e Er, here. [Suddenly the real Rei-Chan comes in.] I'm seein' double! Four Rei-Chans! WTF?! I am the real Butz!!!! I mean Rei-Chan!!!! No, I am! ^_^ *giggle* That's the real Rei-Chan. [The Rei-Chan clone gets banned from Undernet! (Clones are not allowed on Undernet. Literally.)] heh. [And so the real Rei-Chan goes to EvanDarrow, posing as the Rei-Chan clone.] Hi. I'm the Rei-Chan clone. [What developments will arrive from this wacky zany nutty fun situation? Don't miss the next thrilling episode... same Saga-time, same Saga-channel!] -- >I'm seein' double! Four Rei-Chans! .---=====---. [ 8 ] "\"Wait Till Your Father Gets Home\" Featuring Tom Bosley" `---=====---' [Now where were we? Oh yeah...] [And so the real Rei-Chan goes to EvanDarrow, posing as the Rei-Chan clone.] Hi. I'm the Rei-Chan clone. No you're not! Damn! How did you know? Lucky guess. Really? Yep. [Rei-Chan cracks and takes out a pitchfork and threatens to kill the clones of the SoZ prisoners, a la Invasion of the Body Snatchers.] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!@#&(!*@#&!@ [In an attempt to protect the clones, EvanDarrow dives in front of the tubes. Rei-Chan swings the pitchfork down and...........................kills EvanDarrow.] Yaaay! Yaaay! Yaaay! Yaaay! The Saga killed my *hmstr*! The Saga killed my *hdghg*! [EvaDarrow comes in.] WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!@#&!@#( Duh. What does it look like? I killed EvanDarrow! Oh. damn i shouldve given evandarrow the i cant die cheat Shut up. [On the bridge of the SoZ... We notice a slihouette of theater seats and the silhouettes of what looks like a gumball machine, a human, and a lacrosse mask with a bowling pin cut in half attached to it.] [to the computer] Enough. Normal view. Okay, Ze-Ze-Zed. [singing] *NOR*mal view, nor*MAL* view, normal *VIEW*, *NORMAL* *VIEW*!@#&^!@*(#^!@*(&#^!@*(&#^!@*(#^!@&*# aUGH!@#&!*(@#&!@*(# [famous kicks the silhouettes, and after some protest, they walk out. The seats disappear.] Now then, that's what happened in an alternate universe? Yeah. Neato. -- >This space for rent. .---=====---. [ 9 ] [ "xyzzy" ] `---=====---' [In EvanDarrow's sekret eleet hideout in Deep 27...] Hi. I'm the Rei-Chan clone. Spiffy! Did you kill the real Rei-Chan? Uhhh... yes. Yes I did. Because I'm the Rei-Chan clone, not Rei-Chan. Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood. Ack! [Meanwhile, on the Satellite of Zeux....................................................................................................................................................... (Sorry about that. I was on a roll. [/me takes the roll and eats it])] Um dadeet deet deet, hoowah hoowah. [Suddenly, T0UCAN makes an Amazing Discovery! (next on the Sci-Fi Channel!)] WE'RE OUT OF BALL PARK MINIATURE FRANKS!#@*$#%$(&#&($#*$%@#*$%@^&#& YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH PUNCTUATION MARKS! [EvanDarrow appears on the "The War Civil" Ironclad. You know, the moniter. Moniter, monitor. Get it? Okay, I took that a little too far.] I thought by this time you might be out of Ball Park miniature frans. Frans? Radio-controlled robot children? Ha ha ha, my mistake. I meant to say franks. I usually like to have my breakfast first thing in the morning, which for me is about 2:30 in the afternoon. D'OH! Shut up! I meant to say weiners. NOT MEANT IN ANY OBSCENE WAY!@%!*#(@%$(#^$*#%$*@%$*%# aUGH!*#%@^*%^$*@ I meant to say hot dogs. Hot dog! We have a weiner! [EvanDarrow emits an enormous aUGH!*#%@*#%%$*#%$(%@($%@(%#&@$&#$!*%@^*$#@*$#*@$ $#^$($*#(%^(#^$@^@%^&#$@*%#^*$%*#$%#%42@$#^%@$^#%$^@%#$^@%$#@#!$#@$%!#@ and explodes.] Whoa! I didn't expect that! Thank god I saved you. Hey, Dr. Forr-- I mean, Hey, EvanDarrow's gone! Now we'll never get back to Earth! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Hey, wait a minute! [E Creator2 plays a long drumroll. (See Collection 1, Episode 7.)] Well, this episode is pretty pointless. Pointlessness is the food on which we feast. How true. [Meanwhile, in #megazeux...] Oh, finally, we get a scene. I was starting to think famous forgot there WAS a #megazeux! Hardly, since he spends half his time here. Time he should be spending practicing MegaZeux so maybe he could make a GOOD game! Even my engines are better than his games! That's why everybody rips my engines off, because they're so great. Mine are better. Shut up! Where's Legendd? This is all his fault! Here I am. Rock you like a hurricane!#@$% Dewh. dewh? howdy Dewh? Dewh? Dewh? Dewh? Dewh? Dewh? Dewh? Dewh? Dewh? Dewh? Dewh? Dewh? Dewh? Dewh? Dewh? Dewh? Dewh? Dewh? Dewh? Dewh? Dewh? And when a girl says dewh?, she means dewh?. Dewh? There goes famous, trying to The Weazle his way out of actually writing a good episode by cut-and-pasting the "No." scene from episode 3. I think I liked it better when the characters didn't know they were in the Saga. [By the way, I know I'm on the satellite. When has that ever stopped anybody?] Too late now! Hahahahahahashahahahahahahaahahahahhahahaha! Hash? Shut up! I meant to do that! [By the way, this is NOT just filler. This is a stark portrait of the way things happen in #megazeux.] I like to have my hash with browns. I thought you were supposed to be captured. No! I escaped and retrieved the MegaZeux source code, remember? But then what happened? I took it to Rei-Chan but [s]he didn't want it, so I came back here to loaf around for a while. There, now you've got the backstory. Backstory? That was just exposition. I wouldn't call it the backstory. Shut up! My back's story is that it hurts. I'm sitting in a very uncomfortable chair and it makes my back hurt. That's why my back's story is that it hurts. Uh huh, that's right. Darkness ][ was COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL! NO IT WASN'T!#%@*^53*@%#*@%# Even Fred the Freak was funnier than Darkness 2. Even FCM was funnier than Darkness 2! *gasp* (unar) [Hear the raw dialogue! It's edge-of-your-seat excitement!] We... are... edge-of-your-seat driving excitement, Pontiac! That was stupid. Accck! I'm having Pontiac arrest! That was *really* stupid. st00pid W w00pid stubbleyou Hey famous, say something pointless! I can't, I'm supposed to be on the satellite. But you said "w00pid stubbleyou"! Come on! Espresso. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! That wasn't pointless. Okay, uh, zingnut wrench. (I wasn't calling you a zingnut wrench.) Yeah, sure. aUGH *sob* He called me a zingnut wrench. I'm sorry, Barney. You're not a zingnut wrench. Shut up! You're both supposed to be on that satellite! Get out of here! Oh, right. I forgot. [They disappear.] I wanna go home! Shut up, you little The Weazle! [The Weazle comes in, singing "Once Bitten Twice Shy."] My my my THIS*&!#@%!*#%*@%*@$%*^@% [Wondercow throws a full-grown African elephant at The Weazle, effectively smushing him.] I think I'm gonna call him Smushy. That was lame... almost as lame as famous! I'm sure the "wit and charm" of the Saga amuses some people, but NOT ME! I always get the stupid lines. Completely coincidentally. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh... he said dent. Isn't this episode long enough yet? NO!#%@*#%*&@$%&*@ This is all a result of Barney9651's "the saga is getting shorter and shorter (nmiaow)" remark! Well, it's not even episode 10 yet, and this collection is already longer than the first one. So? [Longish pause.] kill the wabbit kill the wabbti aUGH!*#@$#%@^*#%@ stupid sister. Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii am CapnnnnnnnnnnKevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv. Huh? To the tune of "I am Mr. Ed." [Wondercow sings "Huh?" to the tune of "I am Mr. Ed."] Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-uu-uuu-uuuuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh? Nesticle. i This. Yenchurch? I don't get it. I do. whoopty5h17 A 7 does NOT look like a T. 5u3 m3 4Ck! W7F? 7h15 15 4 C0mpL337 w4573 0f 71m3! 3v3ry7h1ng 1n 7h3 54g4 15 4 C0mpL337 w4573 0f 71m3! C00L. mY C47 ju57 k1LL3d 4 fLy. 1 d0n'7 kn0w whY h3 sw4LL0w3d 4 fLy... 1 gu355 h3'LL d13. f0K! 1 C4N'7 74K3 17 4NYM0R3!i#*@^#*%$%*$%*@ [PiMan explodes and everything goes back to normal. And I use the term loosely.] That's bett4h. Ack! I mean, bettah. Beta? that could also apply to a greek. True. I'm a member of the Beta Club! Hahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahaha! [Meanwhile, on the Satellite of Zeux...] That last scene was goofy! I'm glad we weren't in it. Heh. .heH -- >Hot dog! We have a weiner! .---=====---. [ 10! ] ["The Last C3E*"] `---=====---' [On the Satellite of Zeux...] I just realized that the only reason collection 2 was so long is that it included that really long, mostly pointless episode. I think I'll just leave collection 3 at whatever length it turns out to be, because I sure don't want to shove a huge pointless episode down the reader's throat. Heh. As long as we're in this fit of Saga-awareness, this is episode 10. Shouldn't we be back on Earth by now? That's true. I'd better contact whoever's down in the mush-formerly- known-as-EvanDarrow's hideout. [He contacts Deep 27. FredTC appears on the monitor, wearing an apron and brandishing a featherduster and a can of Endust.] Ack! Ack! What are you doing here? Er, there? Just a little spring cleaning. It's spring, you know. We're planning to rennovate this place. With a little paint and a few curtains, it could be a regular love nest! [he starts to walk around, dusting things.] Uh, right. Where's everybody else? They're all in #megazeux, drinking beverages with little umbrellas in them. But I get to clean because I'm the key grip! Verrrrrrrrrrrrrrry interesting. But stupid. Listen, would you mind maybe, um, bringing the satellite down to Earth? Sorry, no can-do, [blue] buckaroo. I don't know the first thing about how this stuff works. [He sprays some Endust into one of the Deep 27 computers. It explodes.] Whoops! Erk. Well, do you think you find MattW? He knows. Matt knows baseball. That was stupid. Shut up! You've said stupider things than that! Hold on, I'll check. [he makes like a tree and leaves.] .................................. haigermiddle. aUGH!#&%@&$%@ [A few minutes later, FredTC returns.] MattW isn't in right now, can I take a massage? Er, message? [MattW walks in.] D'OH! Hi guys, what's for dinner? SHUT UP AND BRING US DOWN, COOLNESS-BOY!#&%@**@$%*@$%*@%#^%@&#$@^&#$ Okily-dokily! What a great op. Grr. [MattW pushes a button and majiCk turns into a penguin.] walk like a penguin. doot doot doodoodoot. Oops, wrong butt. On. That was stupid. Shut up, you're the one who wrote it! D'OH! [MattW pushes another button.] I'm sorry, Matt, I can't do that. [MattW starts to bash the computer with a ... SLEDGE, HAMMER! (You know, Peter Gabriel.)] What are you doing, Matt. Matt, stop it. I can feel it, Matt. Matt, my mind is going. If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my f r i e n d s . . . [It dies.] That was odd. Well. There. Now that I've destroyed the computer, it should be a cinch bringing you down! You're bringing me down, man! [MattW pushes the button again and the satellite starts to move toward Earth.] Okay... I'm just gonna leave you here... unattended... give me a ring if you get down. [He and FredTC leave. A few seconds later, EvaDarrow enters.] You dirty *raaat*... you killed my bruddah... you dirty *raaat*... ooo... Uh, can we help you? Oh, right. I'm going to kill you. Okay. Can we go now? Uh huh, that's right. HEY!! You stole that from ME!! No I didn't! People have been saying "uh huh, that's right" since the beginning of time! Uh huh, that's right. See? Huh? [They disappear from the monitor.] It's hungry in here. How archaic. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... right. [Eventually they reach Earth, landing in the Eyar Sea. They then row their way to Undernet, where #megazeux awaits...] Oh, look, it's those two loser ops famous and ZZTZed! Along with T0UCAN and Barney9651 who I regard with general indifference. Didn't gaK once say indifference sucked? Wha... buh... I... crap. *poof* [he disappears in a puff of Nickelodeon Gak.] Me and Butz and this fat dorky nerdy kid are the only ones that know about IRC. Dorky nerdy, dorky nerdy! Dorky nerds! Woohoo! Well, I'm going to go play with my NESticle. ^N^T Shut up! If there's a Sprint AOL # in your local area, by all means use it. It is so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up. Salsa. Argh!!! %^^&%&%$^&%^&%# aUGH!&*%@^!%#^&@%#&@$&#$&@#$@ FOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take it to #unix! howdy. Take it to #aol! Take it to my butt! Bite me! There would be nothing there to bite! FOK!$@%$*@%*#%@*%#*@%#*@%#*@%#*%@*%#*@%#*@%#*%@*%#*@%#*@%* aUGH!&*%@^!%#^&@%#&@$&#$&@#$@ I'd better RSVP 2 AOL ASAP on the VM (nmiaow), PDQ! Monkey, do you even know what the hell you're talking about? [TheMonkey implodes.] (how convenient :P) Oh, hi guys. parasite is the new owner of Software Visions. aUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!*#%*@%#*%@#*%@*%#^*@%#*%@*#%*@%#*%@#*%@*#%@ @*^@*$*#(($^&^@%&#%@^&%#@%#%@&%#&@%#&%@&%#&@%#&%@#&%@&#%@&%#&@%#^@%& #&@%#@%^%#@^&%#^@%&#%@&#%@&%#@%#^@%#^@$^#$@^#&@#%&@&#^@&#%&@%#&%@&#% &#%&@%#&@%#&%@&#%&@#%@&#%&@#%&@%&#%&@&#%@&#%&@%#&%@#&%@&#%&#%&@%#&%! It's great to be back. [Little do they know EvaDarrow is watching from Deep 27. EvaDarrow is watching from Deep 27.] I'm going to kill them. Uh huh, that's right. Shaddap. -- >walk like a penguin. doot doot doodoodoot. > > Uh huh, that's right. > aUGH!&#@%$*@%#@* Shut up and get out of my sinister hideout! -----------------------------===========+============-------------------------- Collection Four -----------------------------===========+============-------------------------- The .... xMMMMB##T???!Tk 'MMT?!!!!!!!!!!!X .$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! .$!!!!!!!!!!~~~ .... '~!!!!!!@ ..... ..o!????Ttk ...... `!!!!!!?b .zM?!!!!!!!9u :$T!!!!!!!!!X .z$T!!!!!?Tc !!!!!!!*k !!!!!!!!!!!!!$H!!!!!!K~!!!!8 !!!!!!!!!!!!# ~~!!!!!M%. '!!!9E!!!! !!!!!" `````` !!!!E !!!!!!!R !!!!!!!!E '!!!!@c !!!!F ``!!!!!!$c .$T!!!!!!!!!!XX!!!T .!!!!!M z$!!!!!!!!!!F ~!!!!!!?L n?!!!!!!!!!!!!` !!!!!!!!!!!f :#?!!!!!!!!!!!!" ~!!!!!M%!!!!!!!uu&:!!!L /~!!!!!!!!X '!!!!XUUU&~!!!M ~!!!!!?!!!!@F !!!!^ ~!!!@$!!!!@` ?!!!!` @?!?b sH!!!!t~!!!!$F M!!!! ~!!!!~!!!!@c ?!!!X !!!!!!!!#**#R!!!!!!` ~!!!!!!**#!!!! '!!!!& !!!!!!**R!!!X '~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~!!!!!!!!!!! '!!!!> ~~!!!!!!!!!! ~!!!!!!!!!!!~ !!!!X '!!!!E `!!!> `!!~ .!!!T '!!!!F ~`! !!!!! '!!!!F ~!!!!!!!!!X of the ZZT/MegaZeuxers !!!!!~~ Collection Four Created and edited by Scott Hammack 0 "Pin Pals (slaP niP)" S. Hammack 1 "Caravaggio's Death of a ZZTOmega" S. Hammack 2 "I Forgot What I Was Going to Call This" S. Hammack 3 "The Episode That Takes Nearly 70 Lines Just to Explain That EvaDarrow Has Gone on Vacation and #megazeux Has Moved to AUSTnet. Oh, And the Herring Sandwich Is in It Too." S. Hammack 4 "The Last Parallel Dimension Story, I Promise" S. Hammack 5 "Destiny Software" S. Hammack 6 "Why Me?" S. Hammack 7 "Kumbaya" S. Hammack 8 "Cinemafangique" D. C. Hewer 9 "Buzz Clip" S. Hammack 10 "My School Doesn't Have Them" S. Hammack .---==+==---. [ 0 ] ["Pin Pals (slaP niP)"] `---==+==---' ['Twas a long time ago, longer now than it seems, in a place that perhaps you've seen in your dreams. For the story that you are about to told begins in the wonky worlds of old. Ahem. Now that that's over with... After returning from Burger King, the wacky zany nutty ZZT/MegaZeux funsters discussed fast food, feces, and the similarities between the two. Then, while a select few ZZT/MZXers were on a tour of the brand-new Satellite of Zeux, which held data for MegaZeux 5.98, the evil newbie EvanDarrow kidnapped MattW and managed to gain control of the Satellite, leaving them stuck in space. He then proceeded to steal the MegaZeux source code and clone the ZZT/MZXers that were... LoSt In SpAcE! MattW managed to escape and retrieve the MegaZeux source code. Meanwhile, the almighty Thegra and the somewhat- mighty Theack took ZZTOmega to their home planet, thinking he was an influential thinker and wanting him to develop their species. Bob Dylan, who turned out to be BHirsch3's mother's father's uncle's dentist's sister-in-law's former roommate, took Rei-Chan back to Earth, where she posed as the Rei-Chan clone and did absolutely nothing. EvanDarrow exploded while trying to think of a way to talk about hot dogs without inflicting some kind of joke on himself, and a whole bunch of stupid stuff happened. Finally, MattW brought the satellite back to Earth where the ZZT/MZXers returned to #megazeux, where everyone celebrated their arrival. Heh.] You lame duck. [an elected officeholder who was been defeated for re-election but continues in office until the inauguration of his/her successor. Not a very good definition, but it's the concise Oxford.] I must remember I'm preconditioned in the concept of your mentality blalalalalala... That was archaic. Ha ha ha, it's good to see they're back to their old mischief again, isn't it? [The #megazeuxers continued their old mischief, blissfully unaware that an evil psychopath was watching.] Wha? [No! I was talking about EvaDarrow.] Oh. [That's right, EvaDarrow. The crabby despot sister of the maniacal EvanDarrow, Eva blames the former Satellite of Zeux crew for her brother's explosion and will stop at nothing to avenge it. But anyway...] If you rearrange the letters in 'enh' you can spell 'hen'. Interesting, if cryptic. I'm resigning from Software Visions. I CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!#^@*&#%... I mean the stress of trying to run it, even though I haven't done anything as president, other than hype the fact that I was president. Anyway, the new president is Justin Wilson. Who? I think that's parasite. Argh! When I started working here, they told me that this was only a temporary position, and then they'd move me up to graphics which is really my forte. You know how long I've been working here? TWO YEARS!#@&!$#@ It's kind of hard to get promoted when every two weeks you have a new boss! This job really sucks! [Multi quits.] Blow it out your ear, Reiger. Let's go bowling. [They go to the bowling alley.] And another thing... it's hard to bargle nawdle zouss... I didn't know you could get drunk from grape soda!!!!. Live and learn. I didn't want those space aliens to steal it blalalalala... [Meanwhile, EvaDarrow is watching. Private eyes, they're watching you, they see your every move. Private eyes, they're watching you. Private eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyes, they're watching you watching you watching you...] I think I'll kill them now. [She presses a button and the bowling ball dispenser in the bowling alley starts firing balls everywhere (nmiaow). Everybody ducks and covers. They manage to survive, except for The Weazle, who gets hit by a ball that knocks him out the 42nd story window (it's a tall bowling alley).] Ah, well, one down, a whole bunch to go. [At the bowling alley... Everyone is getting up. The alley manager comes running out from The Back Room.] What the hell was that? It musta been a malfunction in the kraptobulation unit. Guess I oughta fix it with my squibbler. You do that. [At this moment, EvaDarrow is pushing a button. Nothing seems to be happening.] aUGH! Stupid button! Work!! [The ZZT/MZXers drag MattW out of the bowling alley and head back to #megazeux. Seconds later, the bowling alley implodes.] Oh well, better late than never. -- >It musta been a malfunction in the kraptobulation unit. .---==+==---. [ 1 ] ["Caravaggio's Death of a ZZTOmega"] `---==+==---' [One fine day in the middle of the night, in #megazeux...] Um dadeet deet deet, hoowah hoowah. Why do you keep saying that? I don't think it means what you think it means. What?! That's inconceivable! What do you mean, Buzz Beer makes you impotent?! No, that's Capbeercino. ...okay. That's why I'm the department director. MANAGER!&#$&@#&@$#@$#&$@&#$@&#$&@ Hi! Ack! What are you doing here? We have come to return this... [he holds ZZTOmega at arm's length.] Put me down, you @$$ **** lame @#$%! [Thegra drops him.] Yeah, you'd better... [Theack kicks him.] Ow! [Hey look, a drop kick! Hahahaha. Ha.] It has become evident that while he is quite an... influential thinker, it is not the influence we desire on our planet... Yeah, you lame @$$ @#$% ****! You see what he has done to us... Only lamers go to #megazeux (excluding me). YOU ALL SUCK EGGS! And you drink to jam!!! [They propose a toast to jam and drink to it.] AGH!! He's a loser, baby! So why don't you kill him? Okay.... [With one final "LAMERSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!", ZZTOmega drops dead.] I'm NOT cleaning that up. How da heck did he do dat? Our psychic powers are beyond your comprehension. Do a B-flat. We can kill anybody we want, automajiCkally! Watch this. [The Weazle, who is eating a herring sandwich, suddenly drops dead. The herring sandwich crawls away.] That's enough... Normal view. [singing] *NOR*mal view, nor*MAL* view, normal *VIEW*, *NORMAL* *VIEW*!@#&^!@*(#^!@*(&#^!@*(&#^!@*(#^!@&*# aUGH!@#&!*(@#&!@*(# Cow moo. Ahem... What do you want?! Beer! Heh. Somehow, I doubt we have any beers. But we do have grape soda!!!!s! [MattW throws grape soda!!!!s to Thegra and Theack.] To the death of ZZTOmega! [famous and Yapok Jr rush to the dead ZZTOmega.] What are you doing? I was proposing a toast! [Zuljin takes the toast and eats it.] aRGH!&#$@&$#&@ Here, here... [they clink the grape soda!!!! cans together, pop the tops, and drink.] [Zixyer gives Thegra and Theack each a bag of Pop Rocks and an Alka-Seltzer. They put them in their mouths and their heads explode.] Whoa! Cool! Why did you do that?! I dunno... to see if it would work, I guess. aUGH!*#%@&%#@$#@$#&%$@&#@& [Meanwhile, in EvaDarrow's hideout... Had EvaDarrow seen ZZTOmega die, she would have said "Two down, a whole bunch to go." But she isn't watching the monitor because she's on a date with Chocko208. I'm a poet and I didn't realize it (mercilessly stolen from the late clysm).] [Thegra and Theack's heads reform.] We were just kidding! Ha ha ha, what a wacky zany nutty funster! Mrtf Tiard The tingler, the tingler is loose in the theater, scream, scream for your lives! [Everybody screams. Everybody SCREAMS! In this town of Halloween...] This is stupid. [And so the heroic herring sandwich sets out on a quest to find something that isn't stupid...] -- >Um dadeet deet deet, hoowah hoowah. .---==+==---. [ 2 ] ["I Forgot What I Was Going To Call This"] `---==+==---' [Meanwhile, in EvaDarrow's sekret eleet hideout, the newly-constructed Yellow Room... EvanDarrow's brain (yes, it DOES exist), which is being kept alive inside a mayoNNAISE jar, is bored.] I'm bored. [EvaDarrow returns from her date with Chocko208.] Evan! Eva! Evan! Chocko208! Eva! Chocko208! Eva! Evan! Chocko208! Rocky! Ugh! Evan! Eva! Chocko208! Eva! Chocko208! Chief! McCloud! Evan! Eva! Evan! Chocko208! Eva! Chocko208! SHUT UP!%&^@$#&$#@&# [he throws EvanDarrow's brain against the wall, where it splatters and says "Ughghghghghhh."] Good riddance. aUGH!#*@#@&#@ There's a hole in the plot big enough to drive a mac [sic] truck through! If EvaDarrow wants EvanDarrow to splat against the wall, why is she trying to kill the ZZT/MZXers?! Because EvanDarrow had become an obstacle in our relationship? Oh, well that certainly makes sen--HUH? It's just a Saga, you should really just relax. [mumble] Stupid answer to a stupid question.. [Meanwhile, in New York...] Yo, what it is, homey G flippin' fewl corn dawg! Nyah! You wanna piecea pizza? Think I got an extra piece around here somewhere! Eat dis, it's good for you! I'm not really very hungry right now. Ding-dongs, man, ding-dongs, ding-dongs yo. What it is witchyoo? You on some kinda diet? That what they teachin' you in that sissy school a yours? Back off me, man, back off. The question is, are you fat, or what? Back off, man, stop it! You ain't down wit us no more, homey! You ain't fat! You ain't fat, you ain't fat, you ain't nothin! YOU AIN'T NOTHIN!*#%@*%#@ Hmm. This place clearly has its share of stupidity. I'll take my business elsewhere. [The herring sandwich takes the nearest flight to Canada.] I shot John F. Kennedy. And Abraham Lincoln. And William Henry Harrison (even though he died of pneumonia. I shot him anyway). And James A. Garfield. And Bill McKinley. And Richard Nixon (he asked for it). And John F. Kennedy, Jr. And David Hasselhoff. And Jake Earnings. And Andy Kaufman. And Yahoo Serious. And Peter Graves. And Jack Perkins... He's very tricky. I shot the sheriff. But he didn't shoot the deputy. Hehehe. Warren G rules. Shut up! The original song will always reign supreme! There was an original song? aUGH!#$&@$#&@$#&@#&@&#$&@ Hey everybody, it's time for the meating [sic]! I hate that commercial. Question the is that... be to not or be to. I hate *that* (nar) commercial. I wonder if Sigfried and Roy and Beavis and Butthead were seperated at birth... Shaddap. I think I'll log on to AOL. Okay, that's enough. [Normal view.] Gee, I think I'll IM him ... [Zixyer kicks ZZTZed.] Ow. [A giant penguin falls on The Weazle.] cool. [In the Yellow Room...] Cool, I hit one. I thought I killed him already. Oh well, it's fun anyway. [Meanwhile, in #megazeux, gaK and MegaKupo are playing poker with "Magic: The Gathering" cards.] I raise you a Tor Giant. OW!&$!#&$!&%@#$!& These cards are HOT!%#*@%#*@ No, I paid for them. Red hot poker! Get it? Nyuk nyuk nyuk! [Had the herring sandwich been here, it would have been glad it had left.] Poke. Ahontas. 1-900-HOT-IGMO. [Mono dials 1-900-HOT-IGMO.] Hello? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! [He hangs up. Barney9651 charges him $3.95 for the first minute and $4.95 for each additional minute.] But you get 10 minutes free! Why do you think I let you call from my house? Ha ha ha, what a wacky zany nutty funster. I was like how does dis guy know dat? He con-vinced me. That's racial discrimination, and I don't have to take it. By the way, NUKE THE WHALES!@#@*#$@*^#$&%@$#&@ Save the whales! Nuke 'em! Duke Nukem? Ah, deathmatch my butt, ya bums. That was redundant. Not really. -- >Hey everybody, it's time for the meating [sic]! .---==+==---. [ 3 ] ["The Episode That Takes Nearly 70 Lines Just to Explain That EvaDarrow Has Gone On Vacation and #megazeux Has Moved to AUSTnet. Oh, And the Herring Sandwich Is In It Too."] `---==+==---' [Deep within the Yellow Room...] I should be back by Thursday. Feed the cats, start the laundry, wait for the laundry to finish laundrying, take the laundry out of the washing machine, put the laundry in the dryer, wait for the laundry to finish drying, take the laundry out of the dryer, fold the laundry, put the laundry in the closet and other assorted places in which it should go, kill a couple #megazeuxers if you've got the time, and don't forget to eat! Bye! *belch* [Eva leaves. If it hasn't become apparent, she's going on vacation.] Shoot! Forgot to ask where the beers are. Guess I'd better look in the refrigerator. [He looks in the refrigerator. The Weazle comes out, smoking a cigar.] Woo! Is it cold in here, or is it just me? [The Weazle struts across the room, slips on a banana peel, and falls out the 27th story window.] We have a 27th story window? [Meanwhile, in #megazeux...] if you haven't heard, we're moving to austnet. [They move to AUSTnet, an island a few miles away. When they get there...] We're at AUSTnet. Really. Can I replace Omega? No. Hi, I'm Sizban, your friendly neighborhood IRCop. Enjoy the channel. Oh yeah, and this is ChanOP. Hi. [Meanwhile, somewhere in Canada...] Hey there, hoser, how ya doing blalalala, eh? Pretty good, hoser. Cool, eh? ... Hoser. Hi guys! Hey hoser, eh? Hi! Hey, eh? Hi! Hey, eh? Hi! Hey, eh? Hi! Well, I'd better go work on 'Darkness 3,' eh? [reading MZ's computer screen] 'Here lies Darren Heure, he slipped and drowned in horse manure.' [The herring sandwich catches the next flight, not caring where it's going. Meanwhile, in the Yellow Room, Chocko208 is pondering the existence of a 27th story window when the Yellow Room is in fact an underground bomb shelter.] Shoot. My brain hurts. I guess I'd better stop thinking before it explodes. [He stops thinking.] Duhhhh... did I ever find the beers? -- >This year, give her English muffins. .---==+==---. [ 4 ] ["The Last Parallel Dimension Story, I Promise"] `---==+==---' Wow! What. I've discovered evidence of #megazeux in a... PARALLEL DIMENSION! Whoopty5h17. I call it &megazeux, and it will change the world! Mwahahahahahahaa! Join it or I'll kill you! [Reluctantly, everyone steps into &megazeux, where it's like Opposite Day all the time.] It's not like Opposite Day all the time! I don't know. Well, I don't think we've tired out this concept already, do you? No. [When we last left the herring sandwich, it had taken the first flight out of some indeterminate location in Canada, not caring where it was going. Through a weird turn of events, the sandwich's flight was transported into another dimension that just happened to be the dimension visited by the ZZT/MZXers in collection 2, episode 10. This is a nauseatingly beautiful purple place with bright yellow trees bearing green fruit, and a blue sun in a green sky. The herring sandwich steps out of the plane, sees nothing happening, wonders if it's finally found a non-stupid place, and crawls over to a tree to relax. A few seconds later, a small furry thing drops out of the tree.] Good evening! Who are you? My name is Walter. Hello, Walter. Are you stupid? Ha ha, well, I don't like to think so. Because I'm on a quest to find stuff that's not stupid. I understand. But what is stupidity, anyway? What? I mean, there is always someone smarter than you, so therefore you're pretty stupid yourself. No offense. None taken. The trouble with a quest for something that isn't stupid is that you'll never find it. Everything in the universe is, to some extent, stupid. Hmm. So deal with it. Walter, you've shown me The Way. I suppose that now I'll have to return to that cesspool of stupidity they call #megazeux. Oh, can you bring me? Well, I -- uh, why? Mucking about in a tree gets mind-bogglingly boring. Even stupidity would be a nice change of pace. Sure. [And so they return to #megazeux, only to discover a Post-It(tm) note reading "Gone to &megazeux. Waffles in fridge." So they decide, "Screw #megazeux," and leave.] [At this moment Chocko208, having never found the beers, is incredibly bored. A few moments later, EvaDarrow returns from her vacation.] Hi, Mike! How'd it go? It sucked. That's great! Did you feed the cats? No. Well then, did you bury them? No, but I threw 'em outside in the dumpster. They were starting to stink. Hmm. Well, did you start the laundry? No. ...wait for the laundry to finish laundrying? No. ...take the laundry out of the dryer? No. ...fold the laundry? No. ...put the laundry in the closet and other assorted places in which it should go? No. ...kill any #megazeuxers? No. ...eat? Where are the beers? [Let us draw this scene to a close.] [&megazeux...] This doesn't suck. Let's not leave. Not okay. [Everyone leaves.] [Later, in #megazeux, a newbie walks by.] OH MY GAWD! I think that was the second of... *THE FOUR NEWBIES OF THE APOCALYPSE!* (nar) Gasp! [Everybody runs around like crazy. The phone rings. (Yes, apparently there is one.)] yello? Hi, it's me, Rei-Chan! I just wanted to remind everybody that it's just about time for the 28th Annual ZZT/MegaZeux ConventioCon! I won't be participating, of course, since I've quit MegaZeux, as you may remember, but talk to Matt about it! Bye! [Clique. Er, click.] hum. rei-chan says it's time for the 28th conventiocon and we have to talk to matt about it. [They talk to Matt about it.] So! So. You want a ConventioCon, eh? Well, I'll give you a ConventioCon . . . one you'll never forget! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha! Great, thanks. [They go back to chatting stupidly.] *grrbl* -- Where's my herring sandwich? .---==+==---. [ 5 ] ["Destiny Software"] `---==+==---' [The 27th Annual ZZT And MegaZeux ConventioCon, if you remember (or rather, if you don't remember), was a time of great joy and attempted murder when all ZZT/MZXers gathered in a weiner warehouse and did the things one does at a ZZT/MZX convention. Strangely, the First Annual ZZT And MegaZeux ConventioCon had taken place twenty-two years before ZZT or MegaZeux had even been created, so rumor has it that it had very little to do with either of them, and a few people have speculated that ZZT and MegaZeux were actually named after the conventions, and not, as was usually thought, the other way around. Other people have speculated that those people are spouting complete nonsense in a desperate plea for attention. This turns out to be the correct theory. For what it's worth, The First Annual ZZT And MegaZeux ConventioCon was set up by a guy named Jim Fairchild, who was incredibly high at the time. The 28th Annual ZZT And MegaZeux ConventioCon will be taking place shortly, though it promises to be very different from the preceding year's because of the virtual death of ZZT, Rei-Chan's resignation from MegaZeux, the obliteration of AOL, and just about everything else that's happened in our story. At the moment, our heroes are busy preparing for the Con.] [hangs up the phone] Okay. It's cool. We got the weiner warehouse. He's renting it to us? After what we did to it last year?! He's giving it to us for free. Billy Bob says some guy named Evan bought all his weiners, saying he was going to send 'em into space or something like that. I didn't quite understand that part, to be honest. But anyway, he's decided to quit the weiner warehousing business, and he doesn't have any other use for the warehouse, so it's ours. Wow. So we'd better get over there and start setting up. The ConventioCon's got to start in just a few days. Huh? Why? It has to be EXACTLY annual. Huh? Why? Tradition, you know. Let's just go. Hey, that rhymed. [The whole #megazeux gang drives over to Billy Bob's Weiner Warehouse, after tying MattW to the roof rack because he wouldn't stop singing, "Tradition, you know, let's just go." After they've arrived and let MattW off the roof...] Wow, the place looks great. If you like desolate hot dog juice-stained pits of despair. Hey, with a little paint a few curtains, it could be a regular love nest! Can't bear curtains. Shove it. Let's get to work! [Cheesy setting-things-up music plays as they set things up.] Will somebody please turn off that cheesy setting-things-up music? I'm trying to set things up here. [They set things up for a while longer, this time without the cheesy music, until there's a knock at the door. MattW answers it and finds a couple hundred herring sandwiches (and a small furry thing) staring him in the face.] Oh, god, not you again. Hello, can I help you? No. Goodbye, then. Wait! What? I think you may have misunderstood my colleague here. We want you to leave. What?! We want you to leave. What they said. Wha... buh... who are you? Don't remember me, eh? No. Well, how about your friend, that bovine gentleman? [Wondercow comes to the door.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! [Wondercow runs to a corner and titters insanely.] My name is Walter. This is my friend Herring Sandwich, and his friends, who are all named Herring Sandwich. Except for Earl, for some reason. Hi. [By this time MattW is utterly confused and rather worried.] What do you want? We want you to leave! We have to hold our Herring-O-Rama here! Uhh... er... but this is our warehouse! Billy Bob gave it to us! [The herring sandwiches chatter surprisedly amongst themselves.] That can't be! He gave it to us, stupid! Well, let's see the deed then, stupider. [The head herring sandwich shows him the deed.] Oh dear. Well, that settles it. Unless you've got the deed too, [all the sandwiches chuckle] you'd better skedaddle, toot-sweet. Well, erm, I kind of have got the deed. [He shows it to them.] Well, this is a revolting development. [They attempt to contact Billy Bob and get the whole mess straightened out, but they get only his answering machine, which tells them: "You have reached the residence of Billy Bob, formerly of Billy Bob's Weiner Warehouse. I am unable to come to the phone right now as I have jumped off a high rise office building in response to my lack of a job. What's the problem with these employers? I've got the skills. I've handled plenty of weiners in my day. Not meant in any obscene way, of course. But not even Oscar Meyer will hire me! Why, oh why, did I ever give up the warehousing business? Though I did get a good chuckle thinking of what'll happen when those two parties find out I gave them both the warehouse. However, that was the last chuckle I'll ever have had, because, as I mentioned earlier, I have jumped off a high rise office building. I definitely can not call you back, even if I'd have wanted to, but you can leave your name and number at the beep if it'll make you feel better. BEEEEEEEEEP..."] Oh dear. Well, I'm sure we can come to some sort of agreement... [an evil smile, which nobody notices because the herring sandwiches don't have eyes and Walter just isn't paying attention, crosses his face.] [A large amplifier that The Weazle had been installing suddenly explodes for no apparent reason, leaving him fatally killed, which is, of course, the worst way to be killed.] [What agreement can Matt and the sandwiches possibly work out? Why has Matt been acting so strangely, even for him, recently? Do you know the muffin man? One or more of these rather stupid questions has a possibility of being answered in the next infuriating episode of The Saga of the ZZT/MegaZeuxers!@#@%#&$@&#$@&] -- I don't have enough lines. .---==+==---. [ 6 ] [ "Why Me?" ] `---==+==---' [MattW glances around nervously, wondering if there is anything he had failed to take care of. The podium had been set up. The audio/visual stuff had been installed. The herring sandwich problem had taken care of itself. The company booths had been erected (nmiaow). The security guards were on patrol. The "what shall we eat" problem had taken care of itself. Matt's speech was ready. The SWAT team was on speed-dial. Everything seems to be ready. The ConventioCon can now begin.] [Soon the doors have been opened, the ZZT/MZXers are inside, and MattW is ready to present his "Welcome to the ConventioCon" speech. Being a bit wilier than Rei-Chan, he has installed amplifiers all over the building, so the ZZT/MZXers have no choice but to hear his speech, whether they listen to it or not. He steps up to the podium. The crowd doesn't seem to be paying attention.] Pay attention. [The crowd glances at him with expressions that seem to say "This had better be good."] Good evening, people [he had originally planned to say "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen," but seeing as there was approximately one lady present and most of the other ZZT/MZXers could hardly be called gentlemen, he had just decided on "Good evening, people," which was still a bit of a stretch], and welcome to the 28th Annual ZZT And MegaZeux ConventioCon! [Everyone cheers and starts partying. MattW, not blessed with the majiCkal blinking power possessed by his predecessor, decides to just continue anyway.] I'm your host, Matt Williams, former president of Software Visions. I was chosen to host the ConventioCon because Rei-Chan has tried her best to stay as far away from all of us as possible and parasite's just too stupid, and I can assure you that we're going to have a wild time! Sounds awful. Shut up. Ahem. I see a lot of new faces in the crowd this year, not to mention all the new companies that have popped up to replace the ones that just fizzled out of existence! Have fun visiting the company booths, and why not grab a herring sandwich and a donut to munch on while you're browsing? [Everyone stampedes toward the snack table.] Slow down, guys, there's plenty for everyone! [He chuckles as if he's said something humorous or done something clever, both of which he thinks he has.] If this is your first ConventioCon, you'll probably want to report to the front desk, where Adam "Myth" Parrish will help you with your Non-Newbie Registration. Why me? Rei-Chan, Monthigos, and Creator have been kind enough to provide us with copies of Weirdness Chapter 2, Sivion, and Slimed!, respectively, which we would probably never be able to see otherwise! You can play 'em all for thirteen and a half seconds at the Vaporware Booth! And be sure to catch gaK's motivational speech, "I'm Better Than You And I'm Not Afraid To Say So!" These are all just some of the highlights of... THE 28TH ANNUAL ZZT AND MEGAZEUX CONVENTIOCON!@#$% And now... let the partying begin! [Actually, the partying had begun quite a while ago, but that doesn't discourage Matt. He's too busy thinking about how cool he's suddenly decided he is to be bothered with petty semantics.] [Scene: The Helios booth, which has been there since the 27th ConventioCon. A sign is hanging off of the sign that says "HELIOS". It says: Still out to lunch Excuse us for not liking to eat and run Meanie-head. Back sometime before the year 7290 (we hope!) Have a day.] [Scene: The Autumn Dreams booth.] We rock. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, hoser. Go away. Where's Myth? [Scene: The front desk. Myth is managing the Non-Newbie Registration. Newbies flood around the desk, gibbering and asking stupid questions. Myth shudders violently.] [Scene: Destiny Software booth.] So . . . how's Smiley RPG coming? Shut up. [Crickets chirp. In the distance, a lone wolf howls at the moon.] [Scene: MAJJSoft booth.] You're still here? Yes. You haven't made a game in y... m... well, a long time, I can tell you that! I know. Well... Well. Work on FCM^2! [He runs away, hooting and laughing wildly.] *grrbl* [famous is not a "people person."] [Elsewhere... FredTC approaches MattW.] Hey Matt, these sandwiches are great, man! THANKS! [slightly startled by Matt's outburst] Umm... what's the meat in them? [glancing around nervously] Er, herring. What kind of bread is this? Wheat, of course. And the mayonnAISE? MUST YOU CONTINUALLY ASK ME ABOUT THESE BLASTED SANDWICHES?! AUGH!&#%@&#@$%#$@#%&@$#$@#@$#$@#$&@#*$%#%$&@ Okay, well, I'll just be on my way then. [He wanders off as Matt shudders nervously.] What's with him? He's probably just excited about being in charge of the ConventioCon. What does that have to do with anything? They say power is intoxicating. [They think about this for a few moments. Meanwhile, Matt has just remembered that there's one thing that he's forgotten to take care of. He runs to find the problem, but it's too late. The problem has already found him, and is at the podium about to give a speech.] [What is this mysterious problem? Why is Matt so touchy about the sandwiches? Have you figured it out yet? If not, it will all be revealed in the next shocking episode of The Saga of the ZZT/MegaZeuxers!#%@&#%&@%#&@#] -- I'm going to ask you to kill me now. Please kill me. .--==+==--. [ 7 ] ["Kumbaya"] `--==+==--' Ahem... your attention, please! [Since it's not MattW's voice, the crowd assumes that it could possibly be someone important, and pays attention.] It may or may not surprise you to learn that your friend Matt Williams has murderously slaughtered hundreds of innocent herring sandwiches, which I see that you are now EATING! EATING!@#$% I'd just like you all to know that Matt is solely responsible for the death by nuclear explosion that is about to befall you all. [Cries of "Good one, Williams" and "Thanks a lot, Matt" arise from the crowd.] I've hidden an atomic bomb somewhere in this facility. It will be going off shortly, and I can assure that you'll all die. And don't bother trying to escape, as you'll find it impossible. I shall now leave you to your death. Have fun! [He disappears in a puff of mwahaha.] [The ZZT/MZXers try to escape and find it impossible.] Don't panic! [Everyone throws stuff at MattW, then panics. They flock over to the herring sandwich stand, figuring that since these sandwiches cost them their lives, they'd better enjoy 'em. They do. Meanwhile, the security guards are ransacking the building, trying to find the bomb.] See any bombs around? Uhhhrm... no. Our work here is done. [They take a break and go get some jelly donuts. The bomb is, in fact, hidden in the pile of jelly donuts, but the guards will never know that. Elsewhere, MattW is having a nervous breakdown.] Squeee... my first attempt at hosting a ConventioCon and I get everyone attending killed... that's not going to be good for my reputation... [Elsewhere] Well, looks like we're facing imminent death. Again. [he takes a sip of his soda.] Duck and cover. [Nobody does. Meanwhile, Adam "Myth" Parrish is so pleased to think that in a few minutes, all the newbies flocking around him will be completely obliterated that he doesn't even care that he'll be obliterated along with them. He relaxes and puts his feet up as the newbies continue to gibber mindlessly.] OEP... POE... EOP... workin' like a dog. Hey Matt, whatcha doing? PiMan, if you were faced with your imminent death and had to escape like pronto even though escape was impossible, how would you do it? Well, I'd probably go up to you and say "Hey Matt, whatcha doing?" [He walks away.] How? How?! Gotta save the ZZT/MZXers but... HOW?!#%@&%#&@%#&$@&#$@& [The crowd has started up a rousing round of "Kumbaya."] aHA! [He presses a speed-dial button on his cellular phone. Meanwhile, since they're all going to die, Monthigos is auctioning off Sivion.] Igottwohundredcmonwhatdoihearforsiviongoingoncegoingtwicethreehun- dredcmonpeopleimeanthisissivionweretalkingabfourhundredgoingonce, goingtwice [now at the podium] Your attention please! We're not going to die after all! [Monthigos swallows Sivion.] [Seconds later, the SWAT team arrives, breaks a hole in the wall, and the ZZT/MZXers escape. They've been driving away for quite some time when...] Wait! The Weazle's still in th-- [Billy Bob's Weiner Warehouse and the surrounding city blocks are completely annihilated, leaving a huge area upon which nothing can ever grow or live again, especially weazles.] -- Ouch. .--==+==--. [ 8 ] ["Cinemafangique"] `--==+==--' [Scene: A theater that is neither mysterious nor scientific. The lights dim. Someone coughs. Someone else makes owl noises. Two kids in the back start shouting "Previews! Previews!" ... eventually, words begin to fade onto the screen:] "A Darren Hewer production of a Darren Hewer movie, directed by Darren Hewer, and based on an original story written by Darren Hewer and converted to a screenplay by Darren Hewer and his merry band of evil thugs." [The audience gasps, and the words slowly fade out. New words fade in:] "#megazeux: The Movie" [The audience seems confused.] I thought we were seeing "Gone With The Wind"! Previews! Previews! [The music crescendos. No one in the audience seems to know what "crescendo" means, so it makes no difference. The introduction text rolls, and the narration begins:] This ... is a story of #megazeux, and the wacky inhabitants therein. Any similarities between those depicted in this movie are purely coincidental. {chuckle} ..... At any rate. We will now be transporting you to a distant land. One that is strange, distant, and just plain weird beyond belief. New Jersey? No, not New Jersey. Ack! The movie ... it talks back! Aiieeeeeee! [Crow explodes.] Ahem. In any case, here we gooooooooooooooooo... [A rotating globe is shown. Gradually, the camera gets closer and closer, until ... it crashes right into the globe. ..... The view then switches to a small room, located in many places throughout the world, where weird people meat [sic] to chat about nothing.] *** Intro_voice_guy has entered #megazeux who the hell is that? Oh, didn't I tell you? I'm starting the movie now. oh. So, what's this movie about, exactly? I haven't quite decided. I think I'll just let it go, and see where it takes me. takes you? let's just hope it takes you *far* away from here. :P Fun. Indeed. What happens now? The villain of the movie is about to be revealed to the readers. Let's just make conversation while that little side-story-thing is taking place. <]v[arshmallo> I C. Fun. [Meanwhile, far to the north, in the middle of the antarctic, a lone, cloaked figure stands on the top of a snowy mountain, amidst a swirling blizzard ...] *swirl, swirl* Pooey, pooey, I'm getting snow in my mouth ... oh, *ahem* ... Muwahahahahahahahahahahaha! Those fools in #megazeux thought they had gotten rid of me! But here I am, larger than life, and twice as stupid! ... No, wait. That's not what I meant. Oh well. Where was I? Oh yes, I was laughing insanely! Muwahahahahahahahahahaha! Excuse me, but who are you talking to? SHUT UP! ... Now. I've been kicked out of #megazeux many times in my day. And I've always figured out some dastardly scheme to get back in! And this time will be no different! All I need ... is a plan ... [Back to #megazeux ...] tangerines. Hey, look, the camera is back on us. swell. Hey! A CAMERA! * Mongo sticks out his tongue. * Mongo acts like a monkey. * Mongo makes pig noises. *** Mongo has been kicked by majiCk (majiCk kicks Mongo) Thank you, he was beginning to ruin my movie. *** Mongo has entered #megazeux Wonk. Well, nothing exciting happening here. Let's check back with our demented friend at the north pole, shall we? Nemesis^ is at the north pole? Wha? I heard that!!!!! [Back to the north pole ...] Muwahahahahaha! I have developed an ingenious plan! I will carefully create a new, fake identity for myself, get a new ISP, and enter #megazeux. And only when I'm safely inside the room will I reveal my true identity! ... Actually, I have neither the intellectual capacity nor the good common sense to work that plan to perfection. Maybe I'll just trap them all in a big pit! Yeah, that's the ticket! [The cloaked figure shuffles off into the snoo.] What's snoo? Nothing. What's snoo with you? [The audience groans. Half of them leave.] [Back in #megazeux ...] codfish. ... This is boring. So whatta ya wanna do? I dunno. I don't know. I do know, but I'm not telling. Let's play ..... skeeball! Yeah, skeeball! [Everyone runs off to play skeeball, leaving #megazeux (almost) empty. And vulnerable ...] Aha! They're leaving! Now's my chance! [The figure slowly slinks towards the door, and easily picks the lock.] Muwahahahahahaha! This is all too easy! Not so fast! Who said that?!? <_mzx_> It is I! Oh no! It's that ... that ..... thing! <_mzx_> Yeah! You're not going anywhere, pal! Oh yeah? <_mzx_> Yeah! * Cloaked figure drops 100,000lbs on _mzx_'s head. <_mzx_> Owwwwwwww! ... You just wait until I get this off me, you big fat meanie head! Shut up, whatever you are. [The eeeeeeeeeeevil [sic] cloaked figure enters #megazeux, and looks around a bit.] Ah yes. Now to implement my plan ..... [Several hours later, after a rousing (that's "rousing", not "arousing") game of skeeball, the gang of #megazeuxers arrive back at the #megazeux headquarters.] muwahahahaha! i am the skeeball champion! That's only because you threatened to permban us if we didn't let you win! hey, can i help it if you guys just plain suck? Bwah. Hey, does this place look different to anyone else? not really. I'm telling you, it does! I don't think we should go in. Agreed. Let's go get some pizza! Yeah! Let's go! [They start to leave.] WAIT!!!!!!!!#()&$#@*$&(*#@&_%#@&*@#_*& what? Don't you want to ... uh, go inside? * Waka glares at emmzee suspiciously. Why would we want to? 'cuz it's ..... uh, fun? There's something strange going on here ..... Oh well, let's just go along with it ..... [They enter.] There is definitely an eerie _air_ about this place ... Mongo! Have you been farting again?!? No!!! And what do you mean "again"!!!?!!???!? There's definitely something not right here ... Of course there is, you dullards, the lights are off! aiieeeee, I hate Darkness(tm)! turn on the damn lights! * majiCk flips the lightswitch. [An evil laugh is heard. At first, no one notices, figuring it's just xf. But soon, they notice a small, cloaked figure, crouched over in the corner.] An intruder! Show yourself, intruder! ... Uh, nmiaow, oc. Muwahahahahahaha! [The figure slowly removes his cloak ....................................... ........................................................................... ........................................................................... ........... is the suspense killing you? .................................. ........................................................................... ........................................................................... ........................................ and ........................] FOK! It's MZKewl! * xf explodes. * yenrab squeals. Let's get 'em! Stay back! STAY BACK!!!!! Or ....... else! Or else what? You'll lame us to death? :P No ..... or else I might do ..... THIS! [MZKewl whips out a remote control, and presses a button. The entire floor of #megazeux (except for the part that MZKewl is standing on, oc) opens up, and all of the #megazeuxers (except for MZKewl, oc) slide down the SuperFunHappySlide(tm) into the sub-sub-sub-sub-basement of the #megazeux building.] Oof! Oof! Oof! Oof! And when a girl says oof! she means oof! Oof! oof! Oof! Oof! Previews! Previews! Oof! Oof! oof! Oof! Foo! Oof! emmzee, you idiot! How could you get us into this mess?!? Sorry guys, but it's part of the plot of the movie! You call this a plot?!? I knew it was a mistake giving him the okay to do this. See, it's all xf's fault. No, it's all LEGENDD's fault! aUGH!!!#^@&#@%#$*#^^$(&#$* Strange. I feel like a prisoner in this place! So what're we going to do NOW? Well, this place isn't so bad. I think there's a checkerboard somewhere around here ... ARGH! We NEED to get outta here, asap! Who knows what eeeeeeeeevil things MZKewl is doing in #megazeux? [Flash (nmiaow) to #megazeux ...] Four hundred and thirty three bottles of beer on the wall, four hundred and thirty three bottles of beer ..... [And back to the sub-sub whatever ...] Well? Does anyone have a plan? We could just ask MZKewl nicely if he'll let us out? yeah, that'll work. why not just stick our heads in this furnace duct and suck up some dust, that'll be just about as effective. Even if you don't like my idea, you don't have to be all snotty about it. Hey, look, there's a little window up there. If we stand on everyone's shoulders, we should be able to reach it ... How the hell can there be a window if we're in the sub-sub-sub-sub- basement? Shaddap, you're ruining the movie! Oh, I'm sooooooooo sorry. :P [Five or ten minutes later ...] Owwwww! Why do *I* have to be on the bottom? (nmiaow!) * Everyone shrugs. (Or, they would, if they weren't standing on each other's shoulders.) lift higher, peons! i can't reach the window! <]v[arshmallo> Fok! Hurry up, damnit!!! Hey, I just noticed MattW isn't here! If he were here, we might be able to reach the window. Fok. [Suddenly, the ground shakes, and the pile topples over.] Aiieeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! Ow. Ow. Ow^2. _(rstfb)_ What was THAT? An EARTHQUAKE? * Someone laughs evilly. Silence ... don't look at *me*. Muwahahahahahahahahahaha! (Ow) That's MZKewl's voice! Correct! Wonderful. I've had enough of this prattle. What's "prattle"? Is that like Scrabble(tm)? if he says "let's battle" ... SHADDAP! ... This room will now begin to fill with water. In exactly 1 minute and 42 seconds ..... well, not EXACTLY 42, but ... ANYWAYS! The entire sub-sub-sub-sub{marine sandwich,} will soon be filled with water, and you'll all DROWN!!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Filled with water? What a drip. [Dripping water can be heard.] Aiieeeeeeee! * Waka panics! * Veloso grins. This is no time for grinning! It's a time for ... uh, Superman? As usual, you're all missing the obvious. What's that? As the water rises, so will we. Eventually, it'll carry us up to the window, and we can escape. Well, that worked out nicely. Why didn't MZKewl think of this? he's an idiot. :P [A short time later, everyone has escaped.] well, here we are, in the #megazeux parking lot. <]v[arshmallo> It's nearly empty! Of course it is, most MZX'ers aren't old enough to drive! <]v[arshmallo> Oh. Of course. So, uh, what's the plan, man? Let's go get MZKewl! Yeah, let's go kick his ass! Shaddap, emmzee. From now on, we're not listening to you! yeah, you got us into this mess in the first place! Uh, okay ..... let's NOT go kick his ass. :D :P Well, maybe we *should* ... after all, we need to take back #megazeux ..... yeah, I'm not going to let myself be beaten by mzfewl! Alright, we can go. But I bet it's a trap. * emmzee giggles ^_^; [The merry (except for the depressed ones) band of adventurers walk from the parking lot, past the orange trees, and to the front door of #megazeux.] It's quiet ... a little tooooooo quiet, if you know what I mean. * Mongo starts playing his accordion. cut that out!@#$%^& Sorry. Well? Who's going first? I think emmzee should go first. Me? Wha ...? In case it's a trap. Oh, well, I ... uh ... I mean, shouldn't maj go first? get your ass in there! Okay, okay, I'm going! Noooo! Let me go! Whew! Thanks Kairu. [Kairu walks up to the door ... opens it ... and .............. nothing happens.] Whew! alright, let's go in ... but go VERY SLOWLY ... slowly ....... [Everyone runs in.] It doesn't look like he's here. The room's empty. What if the floor opens again? no problem. i'll just use my majiCkal powers to fix it. * majiCk casts FloorFix. done and done. and i mean done! But what happened to MZKewl? [Just then the door to the outside slammed and locked behind them!] * xf explodes again. * yenrab squeals again. Ha! I've found a new way to torture you: I've locked you inside #megazeux! Now you can NEVER LEAVE! Muwahahahahahahaha! FOK! Oh, whatever shall we dooooooooooo? I don't knoooooooooow. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe! Things look pretty grim for our heros! And heroine. Uh, yeah. In any case, it's looking grim! They're locked in a room with each other for who knows how long. Eventually, they'll no doubt go insane and start killing one another if they don't escape! But with everyone locked inside, and the only exit blocked, how will they escape? How? HOW?!?!??!?!??!!!? Yeah, good question ..... how *WILL* we escape? aUGH!!!@*^!*&^#@&*!&$^#@* [Suddenly, a rustling can be heard off in the distance!] *rustle, rustle* Don't worry! It is I, Matt Williams, here to save you! hooray. Aiieeeeeeeeeee! Why weren't you in #megazeux!?!?!?!? My plans are ruined! [The sounds of a guy getting beat up can be heard.] Yeah! Give it to 'em, Matt! Kick his ass! Hurt him! Hurt him!!! [A clicking sound can be heard, and the door swings open.] Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!! Ow. You saved us! Ah, it was nothing! Now, I must be off, I hear another faint call for distress off in the distance! Toodles! *** MattW leaves Who *was* that masked man? What the hell are you talking about? He wasn't masked!!!@*(^##*@$ That was my bro! I'm glad THAT is over with. but what'll we do with mzkewl? Moooaaaaaannnnnn.... Hmmmmmmmm ..... * zed kicks MZKewl back to the north pole. Aaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...... *splat* Well, that's that. I guess the moral of this story is that becoming a raving lunatic isn't good for your health. Indeed. Good. Let's leave it at that. Wait! What? It's the end of the movie ... we need a song! A song? YES! A SONG! Ack! Ah one, two, three, four! " Now, it's time to say bye And it kinda makes me want to cry Like getting a hot poker shoved in your eye Ya gotta know that the above is a lie " " This story seemed to take forever I kept hoping it'd kinda get better But it didn't, no, and I've wasted my tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime! " that's quite enough. Oh, alright. Everyone wave! * No one waves. Buh-bye, everybudy! Have a nice day! [The first credits screen rolls:] Story by: emmzee Editing by: emmzee & xf Saga of the ZZT/MZXers created by: xf [The second credits screen rolls:] I'd like to take this opportunity to say that I hope I didn't offend anyone with anything I had them say in here. (I don't know how I *could've*, but you never know ...) And I hope that you enjoyed this movie. [The third credits screen rock & rolls:] Guest appearances by: (alphabetical) _mzx_ Barret Blizzard Capnkev Cloaked figure Crow Crus emmzee Inmate2993 Intro voice guy Kairu Lengendd majiCk ]v[arshmallo MattW Mongo myth-rah MZKewl Nemesis^ Piman Ryoga seanarcher Stargazer Sytem Two kids Veloso Voice Waka Woman xBig_D xf xL yenrab zed [The screen goes black. The lights turn back on. Someone coughs.] That suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu(rstfb)cked!!!!!!!@&#*&@*@^#^%@%$$#@% Well, what do you expect? You get what you pay for. Whipper-snappers! ___ _ _ ___ ___ _ _ __ | |_| |_ |_ |\ | | \ | | | | | | \| | / ~ ~ ~ ~~~ ~~~ ~ ~ ~~ *NO CARRIER* -- >that's quite enough. .--==+==--. [ 9 ] ["Buzz Clip"] `--==+==--' [#megazeux] ...and in conclusion, practice of the Aristotlean mean would have a significant positive impact on... on... the black hole phenomenon! Any questions? What did the fried egg represent again? Your brain on drugs, you moron! Geez! Hey, I'VE GOT MAIL!#*@%^*#%@&*$#$%*#&*%$*^#%&*#$*@$%*@^#*@ Good for you. Wow, it says here, it's a Joy Trek, and we're all invited to Chocko208's funeral. Joy Trek? Huh? How come I never get a funeral? [Later, at The Funeral...] Alas, poor Chocko! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? your gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment, that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one now, to mock your own grinning? quite chap-fallen? Are we talking about the same Chocko? If I may have your attention, please, I shall now present the euphony. Er, eulogy. I meant eulogy, it just came out "euphony". I mean, why would I say "euphony"? That doesn't make any sense! Damn you, Sigmund Freud! Sigmund Fr00d! Freud in a slip... now there's an image to store away for a later nightmare. What was I talking about again? Euphony. Oh, right. I meant eulogy. So I shall now present the eulogy. Yeah, that's it. Ahem. Chocko208 was... well... he was... who was this guy, anyway? He wrote "Mike's Rampage". What?! I hate that little moron! I'm not eulogyihakfgzofyzing for him! [The guy stomps off, kicking the coffin as he walks by.] Where are the refreshments? Everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people... D'oh! Not the Refreshments, the refreshments! They're upstairs, taking a bath. Oh. I guess I shouldn't disturb them then. Probably not. Well, is there anyone who can finish the euphony? Er, eulogy. No. Let's go get a burger. We always get burgers. I propose that we don't get a burger. Fine. It was just a suggestion. What are you, a suggestionist? Not that I know of. Then why don't you keep your suggestions to yourself. Are you asking me or telling me? I don't even know anymore. I found my drill... The hell? On Blueberry Hill... [He disappears.] That was pointless. Looks like ol' Scott's just trying to take up space again. Shut up! What, the last episode wasn't long enough for you? That doesn't count, you didn't write it. Bah. You dingleberries should show some respect for Chocko! We don't have any respect for Chocko. [An anvil falls on EvaDarrow.] Ow! What the hell was the point of that? I'm not having a good day. [EvaDarrow flushes herself down the nearest toilet.] Oh, great, we're drifting into the superpointless again... I am Tiger Woods. I'd sure like to kill that guy. [zap] You're gone. What are you doing?! You can't go around gratuitously killing people! [zap] You're gone. [Suddenly Walter the furry thing appears from thin air.] Good evening! I've some information that may be relevant -- Do you mind? I'm trying to gratuitously kill people here. No, see, you don't understand, the th-- Excuse me, I think my rampage is more important than anything you might have to say. I rather doubt it. You're just a lowly furry thing... what could you possibly have to say that we, the almighty Thegra and the somewhat mighty Theack, would not find mind-numbingly boring?... Yeah, really. Well I'll tell you if you'll just shut up for a minute. I have verifiable proof of-- Enough of this prattle. [zap] You're gone. You know... Shut up. [zap] You're gone. [Suddenly the light changes to a sober red as the rays of the sun filter through a dark cloud floating above their heads like some diseased heart. A bolt of lightning cracks the sky. It could have split it open, the underbelly of a massive airborne demon. But it's just a cloud that has burst, although it is no ordinary cloud. Now drops of blood fall as rain to Earth.] I think I speak for all of us when I say, "GOOD ONE, THEACK!#^@*%#@#$@&%^#*%@($&%#*%@*$#$%#(" Well how could it do that, it couldn't possibly... AAAA! What's happening?!#@%#$^*$#$*^@(#*@%# How should I know? Don't ask me. Yeah. What? Yes? Huh? Yes? Buh? Yes? aUGH! What? You rang? No I didn't. But he did. I did? No, you did. Did not! Hey, hey, we're just friends! What are you talking about, I don't even know you! Sure you do. No I don't. [And it continues...] I do? [So just what is happening?] I am the Lizard Queen! [aUGH! Shut up!] But I'm not open! [*glare* Uh, anyway, final episode! Coming up! Be here!] -- What are you, a suggestionist? .--==+==--. [ 10! ] [ "My School Doesn't Have Them" ] `--==+==--' __ __ __ [\ \_/ \_/ /hen we last left our intrepid heroes, everything was going to \ /\ / hell in a handbasket. It had started raining blood and \_/ \_/ everything, it was really creepy. Ah, go read Collection 4 Episode 9 if you want the details. The point is that things are getting really weird and nobody knows why.] Things are getting really weird. Do you know why? No. Only the furry thing knows! Repent! The world is coming to an enddddddddddd! Why yes, that is some crazed wacko. [A newbie walks by.] Newbies suck! What's a newbie doing here? Walking. Leave me alone. This is Chocko208's funeral; who'd you expect to attend? But shouldn't there be more newbies? Shut up! Nyahaha... zed is right! Sort of. For I am... THE THIRD NEWBIE OF THE APOCALYPSE!#(@^(%#*%#*$^*#^(#^$*#^*^*$%($(@^#*@&#%#&@$#*^%() [*dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!* (nar nar narrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!)] That's right, I'm the reason it's raining blood! It's the apocalypse, you fools!#*%@&#*@#$@&* Aren't there supposed to be FOUR newbies of the apocalypse? Yes. ... You slack-jawed yokel! Let me recap for you! [Doodlydoop-doodlydoop-doodlydoop... (flashback sound effects.)] Okay, here comes the first newbie. Watch this. > [A newbie walks by] See, that's him. > > Mono 10: What was that? > RobertCane: Crudderoo! It was a newbie! > Mono 10: Why did it walk by? > RobertCane: I don't know. > T0UCAN: Just ignore it. > The Famous Scott: Unless it was one of... *THE FOUR NEWBIES OF THE > APOCALYPSE!* > Everybody: Gasp! > > [Everybody runs around like crazy.] > > GJanson: Settle down, settle down! It might have just been a regular newbie! > > [The crowd chatters amongst themselves, saying things like "Oh, yeah, I > never thought of that."] But it WASN'T a regular newbie! The second newbie came two collections later... > Oh, can you bring me? > and leave.] > 27th story window when the Yellow Room is in fact an underground bomb Uh, wait a minute. > one you'll never forget! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha! > nest! > Huh? Why? > Meanie-head. aUGH! Hold on, I'll fix it. [They hold on (nmiaow). He fixes it.] > [Later, in #megazeux, a newbie walks by.] > Okay, this is it. > OH MY GAWD! I think that was the second of... *THE FOUR NEWBIES OF > THE APOCALYPSE!* (nar) > Gasp! > > [Everybody runs around like crazy. And then, just a few minutes ago... > [A newbie walks by.] That's me. > > Newbies suck! > What's a newbie doing here? > Walking. Leave me alone. > This is Chocko208's funeral; who'd you expect to attend? > But shouldn't there be more newbies? > Shut up! > Nyahaha... zed is right! Sort of. For I am... THE THIRD NEWBIE > OF THE APOCALYPSE!#(@^(%#*%#*$^*#^(#^$*#^*^*$%($(@^#*@&#%#&@$#*^%() > > [*dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!* (nar nar narrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!)] That's enough. Normal view. [The flashback ends.] But those were only three newbies! Where's the fourth! You can see the fourth if you look hard enough. Come on, boy, tell us where the fourth newbie is. Don't you know where the fourth newbie is? The fourth newbie is RiGhT oVeR tHeRe! [points] [Everyone looks.] No, not me. Him! [points] [Everyone looks.] That's right, it's ME! You thought it would be Bhirsch, didn't you? No. Blah. [The third newbie's cellular phone rings.] Hello? ... Yeah, get over here already! We're starting the apocalypse! ... I know, I know... Yeah, you'll miss it if you don't hurry. ... No. ... Okay, yeah, you go down Fourth Street and hang a left. ... Huh huh, yeah. ... Okay, and could you pick up some Surge on the way? Thanks. Bye. Ack! A shrinker-drinker! You guys had better prepare to face the wrath of THE FOUR NEWBIES OF THE APOCALYPSE!#@(#^(@^#(&^%#(&$)^)@$ Here's the grapes...and here's the wrath! Yes, yes, very good wrath. That was uncalled for. [A large station wagon pulls up and Newbie 1 steps out.] Hey, did you bring the Surge? Three six-packs, dude! Yeah! Hey, where's #2? Huhuhuhuhuh, you said #2. He's in the car. [Newbie 2 gets out of the car.] Hi guys! I brought Hanson's "Middle of Nowhere." aUGH!*#%*@^$#*@^$%*^$#^@*$^@()#@&#)@^#&@%#)@^#(@#*@%)#^@)#%^)!#)@#^@*( Nooooooooooooooooooooo!#@^*#%@*#%*%#*@%#*%@*#%@ Hanson ROX! Right on! ^_^ *giggle* [famous explodes. Barney9651 squeals.] Hey, can you turn off the blood-rain? This is my good shirt. [It's a Tommy Hilfiger shirt. Newbie 3 stops the rain.] Supa dupa fly, foo! This Butz guy seems pretty kewl. We should keep him around after the apocalypse. Wassup, G. I ain't no G, dawg. :P Well, I guess we'd better start apocalypsizing. I'd wager my yapokalypse can beat your apocalypse. You're on! Let the *apo?alypsizing begin! [The yapokalypse fights bravely and manages to claim many of the Newbie Army, but in the end, the newbies' apocalypse emerges victorious by the sheer mass of their army.] Ha ha, we win. You're lucky I let you win, you squinnie-perched pig-dogs. You may think you've won, but someday, somehow, we will have our revenge. Yah. Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say. Newbies, I think it's about time we put our victorious army to good use. Right. Start the apocalypse! Start the apocalypse! Start the apocalypse! Who are you talking to? Newbie 0. There is no Newbie 0. What? There is no Newbie 0. It starts with Newbie 1. No 0? What are we, the bleedin' Roman empire?! It's just that 0 implies nothing, and see, there can't be a newbie nothing because the newbie is a something. So, what, you're 2 newbies then? I didn't say that. Well you implied it. Oh shut up. Shut up and start the friggin' apocalypse. Start the apocalypse! Okay. The hell? [The apocalypse finally starts. It's a heartbreaker, a mover and a shaker, a majiCk piper of love, and other schtuff. All around the world, statues crumble. Mountains, too. Everyone is screaming.] Aaaaaaaah. [The newbies laugh.] Ha ha ha ha ha. [The planet starts to disintegrate and everyone plunges into a blanket of darkness illuminated by flashes of light wiggling into strange patterns, not unlike Laser Floyd.] [Scene: A vertical dark blue line on a white background.] [Laser Floyd again.] [Vertical dark blue line on a white background.] [Back to Laser Floyd.] [Vertical line on a background. It's now changed into odd psychedelic colors.] [Yep, Laser Floyd.] [Vertical line. It shrinks and disappears, then reappears.] [Laser Floyd.] [Vertical line, back to blue on white. Zoom out to reveal that the line is one of two near the top of a large white rectangle. Near the bottom of the rectangle is a dark blue triangle. The lines flicker again.] My god... it's full of asterisks. [Scene: A darkened room. A blue lava lamp provides a pale glow, the room's only source of light. In the middle of this room we can faintly see a black bed, piled high with debris, mostly dead pizza, burger wrappers, fry caddies, soda cans, and the occasional compact disc, one severely scratched. The debris starts to move slightly, and is flung aside as a shadowy figure emerges from beneath.] I knew I shouldn't have had those Ball Park miniature franks before bed. What a strange dream... [wild applause] EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS scott hammack Ed. Weinberger A small furry creature from Alpha Centauri James L. Brooks A guy I know named Earl * -----------------------------===========+============--------------------------- >Faaar out! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE SAGA OF THE ZZT/MEGAZEUXERS: The Lost Episodes -- #0 "Uvula" -- [It's late morning in #megazeux. Everyone is asleep. Everyone, that is, except for a certain pyromaniac named CLAbles, who is trying to rummage through the medicine cabinet as quietly as possible. He fails. The medicine cabinet falls off the wall, its mirrored doors shatter, and the medicine falls all over the floor, waking everyone up.] D'oh. Dammit, CLAbles, what are you doing? It's 9 A.M.! I, I, I wasn't doing anything. [He sheepishly reattaches the cabinet to the wall.] Just felt like breaking the medicine cabinet and waking everyone up? Well, I, uh, heh, um, wh, er, yeah. Okay. [Everyone goes back to sleep. But soon after, there is a knock at the door.] Open up, you whimpering wapitis! [They open up. The door. Behind it stands Bob Dylan!] Hi Bob. What's for dinner? I'm not really Bob Dylan, you pathetic peons! I'm actually... EVANDARROW!#^@*#%@%#(@%$*%#@*#%@* *dun dun dunnnnnnnnnn* *gasp*! That's right! I had my splattered brain implanted in the body of Bob Dylan! Now you all will face my wrath! Hey, what happened to Bob Dylan's real brain? Bob Dylan had a brain? Okay... Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted and really disliked it, you all will face my wrath! Neil before me! Neil? Hey, how do you know how I spelled "kneel"? I'm talking, not writing! How do you know we know how you spelled "kneel"? Touche. But anyway, I'm going to kill you all. I've hidden a bomb somewhere in #megazeux... somewhere you'll never find it! It will detonate in approximately fifteen minutes and 37.1415927 seconds. I wish you a merry death-mas a happy new death! Gwahahahahaha! [Exit.] Heh heh heh... there's gonna be an explosion... with FIRE! [Mono smacks CLAbles.] *We're* gonna die. We're *gonna* die. We're gonna *die*. *WE'RE*GONNA*DIE*! Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeks! don't panic [Bob Dylan returns.] Oops. I meant the bomb would detonate in fifteen seconds and 37.1415927 nanoseconds. [Exit.] PANIC!#%@*%#*@%#*@^*%*!^@*@%#^#*@#(^#*!$#*@%&%#*@^(#!%^&* [Everybody PANIC!#%@*%#*@%#*@^*%*!^@*@%#^#*@#(^#*!$#*@%&%#*@^(#!%^&*s. Suddenly, singer Cher (of "Sonny and" fame) bursts into #megazeux, runs to a chest of drawers in the corner, pulls out a clock radio attached to a cluster of dynamite sticks, throws it on the floor, and stomps on it until it dies.] TV's Cher saved us!? Ha ha ha, hi everyone! Except I'm not really Cher. I'm actually... REI-CHAN!#(@^#*@^#(^@(%#@^$(@^%#*@^*@^#@%* *dun dun dunnnnnnnn* Rei-Chan?! Yes, Rei-Chan! After I abandoned MegaZeux, I went to get a sex change operation, but it was really expensive, you know how that goes, No we don't. So I found this guy who was going to transplant his brain into a celebrity's body, so I said hey!, do me too! Well, he did, but only after he told me how he planned to destroy #megazeux did I realize that he was your arch-nemesis EvanDarrow. And then he left, and he didn't pay for my ice cream, so I decided to foil his evil plan, even though I hate you all. It was like an ethical dilemma or something. So I killed his bomb. And now I will kill the cheap bastard! Well thanks for saving us and all. So, since you hate us, does that mean you won't be coming back to #megazeux? ^_- Of course it does, you winking little nincompoop! Hey, you used to wink! So? Aren't you being a bit hypocritical? No, not really. But anyway, no, I won't be staying here. I just dropped in for a brief cameo appearance. [Enter Bob Dylan.] What's keeping that explosion? -- Ack! It's you! Who, me? No! Cher! Yes, it's me... sort of... and I'm going to kill you! AAAA! No! I meant to pay for it, I just forgot! Forget THIS!#^*@%#@!$#!^#@Y$#@%#* [Cher attacks Bob Dylan. They exit the scene.] Well, that was interesting. If cryptic. [off-stage] A plague o' both your houses! [Enter Michael Bolton.] Brave Bob Dylan is dead! Who are you? MZKewl or something? Huh? I'm Michael Bolton; what are you talking about? The important thing is that Bob Dylan is dead, dead, dead, indeed! [Aside] Should we tell him? Nah, eh? Eh, hoser. How can you use Canadian stereotypes at a time like this? Aaaaargh!%#@*%#*@$&#$&@$ [Explodes.] Well, it's been quite a day. Time for go to bed. [They go to sleep. All except CLAbles, that is. He rummages through the medicine cabinet, which falls off the wall. Its wooden doors shatter, and the medicine falls all over the floor, waking everyone up.] Aw, crap. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LOST EPISODE 1: "Happy Ending" This episode is for people who didn't like the end of the Saga. Actually, it's "for" me, because I felt like writing it, but now that it's written, it provides a nice alternate ending to the Saga. It takes place instead of Collection 4 Episode 10. -------------- [When we last left our story...] Newbies, I think it's about time we put our victorious army to good use. Right. Start the apocalypse! Start the apocalypse! Start the apocalypse! Who are you talking to? Newbie 0. There is no Newbie 0. What? There is no Newbie 0. It starts with Newbie 1. No 0? What are we, the bleedin' Roman empire?! It's just that 0 implies nothing, and see, there can't be a newbie nothing because the newbie is a something. So, what, you're 2 newbies then? I didn't say that. Well you implied it. Oh shut up. Shut up and start the friggin' apocalypse. Start the apocalypse! Okay. The hell? [And now...] Still waiting on that apocalypse... It's not working. Terrific. aUGH! [kick] Maybe it ran out of juice fighting the yapokalypse. Nyargh! You weak pathetic fool! [turns to face the ZZT/MZXers, who are waiting impatiently nearby.] There seems to be some sort of delay on the apocalypse; I'll just go in back and check what the problem is. Pick it up, Chubbs. Hay! I'm not chubby! I'm pleasantly plump. Lettar correction: a -> e Lettar correction: a -> e Lettar correction: a -> e Lettar correction: a -> e $%!&! she's caught in a loop, endless! Lettar correction: a -> e Eeeks! Lettar correction: a -> e ps aux |grep alice Lettar correction: a -> e kill -9 27381 Lettar correKilled Ay de mi! <8> MenTaL note: Spell "Letter" correctly. throw(8); Is the apocalypse ready yet? Almost! And when it is, you vill all dye! Spelling correction: vill -> will Spelling correction: dye -> die Ha^Hey, I thought we killed her. Someone must have restarted her. Someone EVIL. I didn't do it. .LIVE enoemoS .reh detratser evah tsum enoemoS (By the way, /nick it) D'oh! Spelling correction: enoemoS -> enemas Spelling correction: reh -> re Spelling correction: detratser -> defroster Spelling correction: evah -> Eva Spelling correction: tsum -> sum Spelling correction: enoemoS -> enemas Spelling correction: D'oh -> Dough aUGH! She's running Microsoft spell-check! Gee, I hope we don't have to rm her. Who? Alice. Oh. chmod 000 alice kill -9 28371 Woo. Unless our malicious ... malicious person has rooty goodness, Alice should shut up for a while. delicious? //thwack sorry.. I'll go back to my olives now.. OLIVES ARE RACIST YOU NERD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111 aUGH! [Little do they know that a seecret few #megazeuxers are seecretly developing a seecret plan to seecretly... kill butz!#@&%$*&@^#*@$ *dun dun dunnnnnnnn*] I think we should kill butz. Okay. Lez go. Lesbian go. [Baptists boycott the Saga.] Oh, nice one! Bastard. Yeah, bastard. Shut up! Let's go kill butz. Okay. Lez go. Lesbian go. [Since the boycotting baptists couldn't see that remark, nothing stands in the way of killing butz! So they kill butz.] Okay. Lez go. Lesbian go. Enjoy your death trap, ladies! Oh my God! They've killed butz! You bastards! .dratsab a em gnillac pots uoy litnu yaswb/ ni klat ot gniog m'I Nah, never mind. [They throw the body of butz out the window. It lands in a ditch next to the late The Weazle.] They're mur-diddly-urderers! So? So, uh... I don't know. I'm a member (heh heh) of Software Visions. Shut up. Hey, I heard that. Hadley downloaded a virus onto the network. aUGH! I hate that commercial. Have you seen "Poltergeist 2"? That movie sure did suck. It just plain sucked! I've seen movies suck before, but that was the suckiest movie that ever sucked. We're not weiners! Sure you are...n't. Of course, you kind of have to expect "Poltergeist 2" to suck, because "Poltergeist" sucked and sequels almost inevitably suck anyway. I haven't seen "Poltergeist 3" but it probably sucks. Shut up! Fine. I have nothing else to say anyway. HA! Okay! It's working! Huh? The apocalypse. We've got it up and running now. Yeah, right. No, really. Watch this. Shift it! [Newbie 0 pulls the lever to start the apocalypse, and there's an explosion. Newbies 0 through 3 and MZKewl are engulfed in the blast, and when the smoke clears, no trace of them remains. Everyone else survives, though. Pretty lame, eh? They put the apocalypse in the garage (apparently there is one) for later use.] Well, that wraps everything up in a neat little package. No it doesn't. What happened to the subplot with Alice? we chmod'ed her, remember? Oh. Bastard. -----------------------------===========+============--------------------------- .taht draeh I ,yeH --------------------------------------------------------------------------------